But that's okay. :)
With the holidays, I almost forgot it was Monday--LOL! Well, here I am. By the time I post again it will be 2021. I don't make resolutions but I do make goals. In 2021 I plan to be spending a lot more creative time...with art journaling, card making, and calligraphy. I plan to find a way to add gentle exercise into my life. Those are the two main goals. But--over and above that--I need to change my inner landscape.
Leah even wrote me a letter (to try to get through to me) basically telling me how I shouldn't push myself till I get sick (when I got the bad sinus attack). That she wants to help with cards--would even have finished them by herself--happy just with my company while she works. (I am tearing up just writing that--no one wants to be a burden or not pull their weight, you know?)
So, I have been doing a lot of thinking about how I have been fighting all my health issues...especially since becoming officially disabled in 2004. Remembering how easily I did things in my before time...how I used to feel energetic and could accomplish so much...how I loved jobs where I was juggling ten things at once and had an excellent memory. Well, I need to accept that I can't get any more done than I do. But instead of clumping too much in a cluster on a good day and then getting nothing done for days I should learn how to spread it out more. Be more patient with myself.
It's been this constant internal battle...a juggling of the few spoons...endless priority lists that shift from day to day or even hour to hour...a nagging grey guilt on my bad days and guilt that I can't get more done on my good days. I am causing my own stress. Thinking things might get better...the optimist in me...hasn't wanted to let go of some parts of me I cling to in those nooks and crannies. Like the mountain bike hanging in my garage I haven't be able to ride for almost 20 years.
I think it's because I used to be a regular energizer bunny that would go-go-go till I collapsed for a time...so that's what I was used to. I was probably a type A, I suppose, with OCD tendencies. Looking back, my entire life I pushed till I dropped. I have always seemed to have two speeds--full and dead stop. And many periods of time I had to keep pushing even after I wanted and truly needed to drop (hence mono in 1999). You do what you have to do. Work, jobs, family...sick boy...sometimes sick me...you just kept going, you know? Keeping a roof over your head and food on the table and paying the bills...hand to mouth, as they say.
I did it...and truly loved almost all of it. When my body gave out on me...my mind was still the same. If I couldn't do, I could plan to do, right?
I have been collecting art and craft supplies since I was in high school. I am the dabbler who never had much time, took classes here and there, and always said that one day I hoped I would have the time to really play and use the supplies I was collecting.
Be careful what you ask for, eh?
I have had the time since 2004...but not the physical ability or stamina. And that has been frustrating this old, broken energizer bunny for 16 years.
Inside I am still the person who could assembly-line 100 cards over a weekend...even if I was up till 3 or 4 in the morning for a couple of nights--LOL! Who when I moved could have my entire apartment completely scrubbed down, everything unpacked, hung, and put in a new proper place within a week--sometimes a matter of 2-3 days. I had moved over 30 times before I came up here to Fargo/Moorhead in 1999--only twice since then and each move wiped me out for months and months! I needed help to unpack! Me! Energizer bunny me. :(
Yes, I have adjusted...learned by trial and pushy, determined error what I can and can't do pretty much. Fibro is a fickle and unpredictable ruler...who also moves in with a lot of unpleasant baggage. Plus there's a whole choir of other health issues always singing along in the background--and occasionally stepping forward for some solo time. Yes, I have been in pretty good spirits all these years, am grateful for so much in my life, and do think I have handled it pretty well in general. But down in the nooks and crannies of my being--I have been fighting myself. Doing battle with my bossy body.
I. Need. To. Stop.
I need to end the internal battle. Not because I can't win...but because acceptance is how I will truly win.
For example...I am using up leftover birthday cards for 2021. Not scrambling to finish a new set right now--plus worrying about the Wanderlust bonus classes...and driving myself crazy--ROFL! And now I have an entire year to make a set of birthday cards. (In fact, I have enough leftovers that I could go another year--LOL!)
I truly have been relaxing over the years about a lot of things that used to drive me bonkers...but I never made it a priority...with joy. It felt like I was forced against my will into slowing down, you know?
Well, I was.
So, my focus for 2021 is to avoid stress...relax...be as kind to myself as I try to be to others. To accept that I am physically not the person I used to be. To find more ways to avoid stressing my own silly self out--hehe! And that includes being creative and adding exercise.
For another example--I found a solution to the bonus classes stress of maybe losing them in a few days. I spent a couple of days this past week going through the 24 advent prompts and taking detailed notes so now I can do those any time. They are not going to be lost to me. (I really want to do those first of all the bonus stuff!) Then I went through all the bonus class materials and downloaded everything I possibly could. Which ended up being almost all of it--tada! So--all that pressure--that stress--is gone! Sweet!
Sitting stuff is easier for me to do so I also set up the leftover birthday cards for 2021--all addressed and chronologically sorted. [I do this every December--and can add anybody who'd like a handmade card at any time--just let me know. I do love to send cards and write letters--even if I may not be the fastest pen pal--LOL!] Was way faster this year when I didn't have to make new ones in December--LOL! Kind of fun going through the old ones, too, to be honest.
I had some super plain thank you cards that were kind of half done because normally I would have had to add something else to them...well, I just used them as is. Finished all of those yesterday so they'd go out in the mail today--tada! Really boring cards, but it's the words that count, right?
I had Leah over the week before for Craft Nite and then I went to visit McFamily every other day a couple days later--three out of five days. (Tuesday we taught the boys how to play Chutes & Ladders.) So I was totally shot but content over Christmas and, honestly, didn't even get dressed--LOL! Just hung out with Annie and watched It's A Wonderful Life and A Christmas Story like I do every year. I had a video call on Christmas Day with McFamily. The boys were all wound up! Ian had gotten a magic kit and showed me all his tricks. Liam was laughing and tossing these soft rings from a game all over Mama--over and over and over as three year olds will do. Was a sweet, noisy visit--LOL!
Finally connected with my mom yesterday. Over Christmas her cell phone was going directly to voice mail (which she doesn't know how to use). I guess my brother got special permission to enter the building to fix her phone. She had forgotten that fact for ten minutes when I called and didn't remember what was wrong with the phone (dead battery--who knows?)--but did remember she didn't get calls over Christmas, of course. She's getting quite forgetful. She can't do a lot for herself anymore from the sounds of it. I told her over and over why she didn't get calls over Christmas--so hopefully she'll remember. She still sounded in pretty darn good spirits, considering. I think she actually really enjoys having the various people coming and going day and night in her apartment (hospice). That's a good thing for a social butterfly, I guess. (Would drive me crazy!)
Okay--I do have a few pictures--never fear--LOL!
The lentil soup concoction I put together turned out quite good.