May 19, 2025 Monday--5am

Good morning!

Last week I mostly made food for three days and did laundry twice (which I haven't put all of it away yet).  Keanna came on Tuesday to clean.  It was still very, very hot (90s).  Heat-loving Allie didn't like being in the living room where I had the AC on and a fan blowing.  She took to afternoon naptime in her carrier in the corner of the studio.  Much warmer in there.

After Keanna left I switched the shower curtain.  Wild one this time!  What fun!

Allie back in the living room when the rain came in, it cooled off, and I could open the patio door.  

It was fiercely windy, though, so I couldn't have the patio door open or only cracked slightly.  

Baby bunny!  Sure sign of spring.

Already a litter big enough to be out on their own.

The dentist's office called me this week to tell me they cancelled my cleaning check-up in June because their dental hygienist left.  They'll let me know when they have a new one.  So now I have no appointments until July for my cancer check-up appointments.  

I think it was Friday night we had a frost warning.  Yup--from 90s to frost...a 60 degree swing last week.  Been in the 40s and too chilly to have the door open even a crack most days because of the wind.  But we did get some rain--tada!  Badly needed up here with the drought we've been having.  It's very lush and green right now.

I did get some playtime in, too!  Did another page in the new colorbook.

The two partridges come by...but I won't have seed for very much longer.  I do put a lot less out, though, and I usually do try to stop sometime in May anyways.  They have plenty to eat once everything greens up and I don't want to attract those voles that dig up the yard.  So, it's perfect timing really.

That last page I colored kept bugging me because you couldn't read the words very well in the colored pencil.  So I got out a black marker and filled the saying in.  Yes!  Much better! 

Since the marker didn't bleed through the paper...I traded a smaller set of markers (Koi) into the jar by my chair...

...and colored a couple more pages.

I have to say...markers are always more vibrant and bold.

Glad this paper turned out okay for my water based markers.  Copic markers (alcohol based) bleed through almost every kind of paper so I don't think I would want to use those.  Probably why I have so seldom used my Copic markers.  So seldom they might be dried up by now...but they're packed away somewhere.  I'll find out when I move.  I wonder if I packed away my acrylic markers...??

When I do unpack it is going to feel like Christmas.  So much I haven't seen for sooooo long.  I started downsizing and packing and also we started ordering IKEA furniture (which Leah's sister in Minneapolis stored in their garage) in August of 2022.  Difficult to remember what was kept and what was donated.  I pushed myself so hard with the downsizing and packing because we thought I could be moved the following summer...of 2023.  Yes...2023.  Before the snow flies, we thought.  I've had the floor plan, the furniture, and packed everything I could...seems like forever.  

I remember I never thought I'd finish downsizing before I moved.  Then I gave myself a deadline of New Year's Eve 2023...because we were then thinking a spring move and I needed a good while to recover from 16 months of packing before I moved.  Well, that's now another 16 months ago--lol!  It is all so bizarre...(and stressful whether I have acknowledged it to myself or not)...that it effects my body (fibro) and I think may be adding to my not recovering so well from the Keytruda.  Our government/country political news has been an additional stress, too.  

I know there are worse things to deal with and I am okay where I am and all of that...so that I am kind of ashamed of how I feel.  It takes a lot to break down my natural optimism...but I am feeling broken down.  Just so sad...worn out...defeated.  Doesn't matter if it is not logical.  My optimism is worn out.  I am not feeling upset or angry or impatient, even.  It is like I can't feel anything anymore.  I can't get excited thinking about the move anymore.  I don't want to think about our democracy being destroyed.  I don't want to look around my apartment and actually see it anymore.  Time even shows there...with the boxes.

This is what I look at every day.  My laptop table...

...has slowly been wearing a hole in part of my "end table".  These were the first boxes I packed--my end table boxes--so I could sell my end tables.  So it has been going on three years ago.  No wonder it has worn a hole in the box.

The wall of boxes in my bedroom...

...all the tapes are drying out and they have been popping open for over a year.

My other "end table"...the back box is sagging because the tape came loose a long time ago. I even took an art board to put under the lazy susan months ago because it wasn't able to turn and rubbed on the box.  It is still leaning...

...so much that my phone holder where I charge my phone is tipping more and more to the side to where it has slowly slide over and the phone fell into the lazy susan once.

But in order to get fresh boxes that would be hopefully flatter on top for a while I need to switch the boxes from underneath and move them to the top.  These four boxes that compose this end table on this side are larger ones and heavier.  I already had to do that on the other side, but that end table is six smaller boxes.  I've been putting this off for quite a while, obviously.  Maybe this week.  

Anyways, I am still able to see the bright side.  It is just much dimmer at the moment.  I've always let you know how I feel and what's going on.  The latest setback or delay...just deflated me.  Honestly drained the life out of me.  I have been through a lot in my life.  This is nothing by comparison to so many other things I've dealt with...seems silly to be feeling so devastated.  I know I will obviously survive this, too.  I know that.  But, for right now...on autopilot...am much less joyful...am in endless limbo...sadness creeps over me...emotionally, I don't believe that I am actually moving anymore...can't invest my hopes and excitement one more time.  I am done.  I can't care anymore.  Just let me know when it is time to actually pack and we have a truck rented...maybe then I might believe it...maybe then I can get excited.  But until I am actually physically moved--I will still expect delays.  It still won't be real.  

It has been an emotional roller coaster for me for almost three years now.  Cancer.  This move.  My OCD side has withdrawn screaming long ago from living in boxes, bins, folding tables, and empty spaces.  My creative side has been dying since I was so sick for so long and then over half my studio disappeared into boxes.  It doesn't feel good to be in that room, either.  Nothing is the same.  I don't know where things are.

And then to top it off...over everything else...my country...democracy...is being mortally wounded...by Americans.  

Well, that is why I am not sure if I won't take a break for a while from blogging.  I was raised that if you don't have anything good to say, don't say anything.  I have so little good to say lately.  Just blah, sad, and kind of lifeless.  It was nice to play in the coloring book, anyways (barely creative).  And Allie is always a comfort and good company.  I am not upset or angry even...just kind of nothing. Just sliding through the days trying to find as much peace and calm as I can...watching Stargate SG-1--lol!  Coloring.  Procrastinating on my usual duties.  Playing solitaire or mahjong or doing jigsaw puzzles on my phone.  My nose is totally plugged up--sinuses--maybe from the changes back and forth in the weather?  Or spring allergies?  I'm still having all the usual health issues, but they're not quite as bad as they were (knock on wood).  I may get behind on things, but I am managing to keep up overall.  Just waiting here in Limboland.  I may be back next Monday or I may not.  But don't worry about me if I don't blog.  When and if I have something to share...I will.  Who knows--maybe I'll at least have some coloring pages to share next week.  I don't know.  That might be nice.  Do some more coloring.  I've never taken a blog break before.

Anyways, bye for now.  I always read all your blogs...those of you who blog, of course.  I can't imagine not staying in touch...so I'll be back.  *love and hugs from Fargo*

May 12, 2025 Monday--5am

Good morning!

I felt better and got a lot done last week!  Besides the usual cooking and laundry, I really scrubbed down the kitchen counters.  Meaning I needed a stool to reach the backs & walls, pulled everything out, and wiped everything down.  After that I decided to clean all four of my lazy susans.  Meaning I emptied them, wiped everything down, scrubbed the lazy susans, cleaned underneath them, and reorganized everything as I put everything back.  You'd never notice as it all looks the same...but I know...and it makes me smile. :)

Another thing that makes me smile are the two partridges that come to visit every day.

All the rest of them must be off sitting on nests someplace.

With it being so warm and the patio door wide open I have to be more careful I don't move too much inside and scare them away.  They are always on alert.

Meanwhile...all week long I worked on switching the winter and summer clothes.  Bins and piles of cloths everywhere all week long.  

Somehow I put my neck and shoulders into a right state when I worked on the counters and the lazy susans Monday, so I had to take it a bit slower on the bedroom task.  Baby steps works for me quite well.  Allie was all over examining the chaos, of course.

I finally finished on Friday.  TaDa!  Added a few more clothes to the donation bag, too.  :)

Just found out last Monday that most likely nothing will be done on the apartment until June because they are busy every weekend in May.  So much for thinking I might be giving notice end of May, eh?  Be June or possibly even July now.  Every time I think it might become real...something happens.  Enough said.  Can't even really talk about it...or think about it right now.  It will happen when it will happen.

I should have bought more bird seed. ;)  

I am glad I splurged on this set of adult coloring books...that look like they're for kids--lol!  Super cheap!  Only $7.99 for the pair of them.  

Supposed to be calming and stress-reducing.

I found a jar that this set of colored pencils fit into...so I could color in my chair.  Not in the mood for markers.

Got a couple of them done when my neck and shoulders weren't protesting too much--lol!  They're so simple that even when you have to do them little by little they don't take very long to finish.

Definitely mindless and calming.  You don't need to think much at all.  Didn't worry about what colors I chose...just wanted to quietly color away.

And the great part about these are they are spiral books so you can easily color on a nice flat single page!

Been so hot out!  Crazy weather!  We've been in the low 90s since Saturday!  Allie and I love having the patio door wide open.  Allie must really imagine herself chomping into those birds now with just the screen between them...the great huntress!  

But it finally got so hot I had to close up and put the AC on this last weekend for the first time this year.  Beginning of May!  90s!  So weird.

Today--May 12th--is the 24th Fibromyalgia Awareness Day.  Fibro and I became intimately acquainted right about the time of the first awareness day.  Kind of funny to me.  But then I have a weird sense of humor, as you must know by now. ;)  

Anyways, I paid all weekend for being busier all week...but it was worth it.  Supposed to be 95, 95, 92--on Mon, Tues, Weds--and then cool down to more normal temps.  I am so glad.  I want the patio door wide open again.  So does Allie. :) 

What's the weather been like your way?  Did you have a busy week?  No matter what, I hope it was a good one.  It was a good productive week here in my little corner of the world.  Till next week, my friends! :)

May 5, 2025 Monday--5am

Good morning!

Keanna came to clean on Tuesday.  Got a letter in the mail telling me SNAP (EBT card for food) had been overpaying me for several months, that it was their error, and I'd be getting a notice as to how much.  A couple days later I get another letter telling me I owed them $12.00 and a form to fill out as to how I wanted to pay them back and when.  I chose for them to take it out of June's amount.  Two different envelopes mailed.  Where's the government efficiency?  That's the kind of efficiency I'd like to actually see addressed--lol!  I'm just glad they didn't overpay me more than they did...and I found out they make you pay them back.  Never happened to me before, but I know they've been understaffed for some time.  For the first time I haven't even had an actual worker assigned to me for a couple of years now.  I just get a random employee to deal with me.  (It's because my case is easy and never changes--makes me low priority.)

Then I got a call (that I missed because this smart phone will not even ring if it is an unrecognized phone number and has some AI guy instruct them to leave a message) from the dermatologist's office to tell me that the surgeon has left Sanford.  They will contact me when they have a surgeon to do the procedure.  You may recall that the original guy I saw before they told me was booked up into January and they had a couple of guys helping out.  So--one is done helping and that other young guy--well, I wouldn't feel comfortable with him doing it anyways.  He was young, nervous, and inexperienced even just taking the sample.  Meanwhile...since my face cancer is going to be around indefinitely...it's a good thing I splurged on a huge box of small band aids that weren't Band-Aid brand but do stick really well.

I started to suddenly feel better on Saturday, so I caught up on laundry, did a few things on the to-do list and even cleaned the patio door.  (Keanna isn't allowed to do windows.)  I don't talk about the fibromyalgia much, but it kind of rules your life in a very erratic way.  I can have flares that last days or weeks or months.  No control over it.  I've been in a flare for a few weeks.  It might be gone.  Might be right back today.  Never know.  

For example, when I was in college back around 2001 I had an art class where we had these high stools to sit on with no backs.  For some reason it set off this awful sharp pain in my tailbone.  Not sciatica--only in the tailbone.  I had to stand in class rather than sit in that high hard stool most of the 2 1/2 hour class twice a week.  That pain lasted for TWO YEARS.  (Longest specific pain flare I've ever had--knock on wood.)  Back then they still made Darvocet I could take on really bad days (nothing else worked), had special pillows to sit on at home, and totally believed that was never going away.  But surprise...it did.  

Even my fibro issues have been altered by Keytruda so that they aren't as familiar to me and are worse than they used to be.  But at least I finally feel like I am probably mostly in fibro territory again.  I still have even more issues with inflammation than I ever had before, more pain, and the flares tend to last longer than they used to...but it feels like progress towards returning to my old disabled self, if that makes any sense to you.  At least I hope that is what's happening.  (About time!)  (I'm whispering so as not to jinx myself.)

I had run out of bird seed for over a week.  Had ordered a bag of something special for the Critter Cafe before I move away...but it was delayed and delayed.  Finally arrived this last week.  It's a bag of sunflower chips and peanuts!  Allie was so excited she couldn't wait and was right up next to the screen as soon as I got some out there--lol!

Didn't take the birds too long to realize there was food here again--lol!  It's perfect for this time of year because the grackles fight over the peanuts and gorge themselves on those and leave so then all the small birds can eat the sunflower chips in peace--ROFL!  Just perfect!

Been so warm!  It's like we skipped spring and jumped right into summer.  Went from 50s to 70s in a couple days.  Was 83 degrees on Sunday!  

I do love seeing pretty clouds again.  Not so many in the cold months.

The partridge duo was back also.  I think these are two females without mates because they are less colorful...less orange on their faces.  BFFs.  I'm glad they have each other.

Being in a flare for a while...well, I admit I did some retail therapy this month.  Ordered some more shower curtains!  Yes.  I really did.  Realized I didn't have that many spring/summer ones...saw this one that reminds me of the transparent flowers I want to learn to paint!  How could I resist?

I also found some wildly bright colorful ones, too.  I'll show them to you as they go up every two weeks.  Yes, I still put a new one up every two weeks (after Keanna has been here) and I still get excited every time. ;)

I also had already picked out a thicker tablecloth with a flannel backing after I got the really thin one for art with the boys because the really thin one slides around when I go to move my laptop, etc.  So depending on what we are doing...we'll have a grippier one and a slippery one.  I need the grippier one for now.

I had to laugh, Dorothy, when you mentioned me maybe having tablecloths that I could change all the time like the shower curtains.  I don't think so--but you never know.  LOL!  ;)

First Saturday of the month is Home Depot Day for the boys. 

This month they made little bird feeders.  Cute!

With the weather being so nice they have already been out at the fire pit at night.

And then Sunday was "May the 4th be with you" Day.  Fargo shows Star Wars films.  

I thought they just showed the original movie, but I see this year it is Empire Strikes Back.

No people in costumes outside the downtown Fargo Theater like there was when they went two years ago, but they had cutouts of some famous characters--lol!

Regular old-timey seats.  Not the fancy plush recliners in the new theater.

Leah said they went for Chuck's (her sister's husband's) birthday.  I know they all enjoy it as much as the kids do.  :)

So, that's how the week went.  I hope the noticeably lower level of pain and exhaustion over the weekend sticks around for a good long while.  Didn't even have a headache on Sunday.  Hope I'll be feeling good enough to switch to the summer clothes.  Never bothered to bring the bins to the garage last fall.  Time for baby steps...baby steps...baby steps...until I finish a big project like that.  Top of my to-do list for this week.

What is the weather like where you are?  Any plans or projects for the week?  You all brighten my days.  Till next week...