Cogitation--Self-Worth

"A bar of iron costs $5, made into horseshoes its worth is $12, made into needles its worth is $3500, made into balance springs for watches, its worth is $300, 000. Your own value is determined also by what you are able to make of yourself."

Unknown Source

That seemed like an appropriate quote regarding self-worth. I went back to January 2007 on my blog and last New Year's Eve I had picked the "Self-Worth" card, too! Now that is just too weird!! And I could have sworn I picked that same card when Dagan and Leah were here on Christmas Eve? I didn't write it down, tho. So--I guess The Universe is trying to tell me something and I have to start thinking about self-worth on a deeper level.

I aspire to horseshoes...

Often people are fooled by those of us who can chat with a smile, make you laugh, and appear to be able to hold our own meeting new people and in new situations--into thinking we are filled with self-confidence and that we might actually "know our worth" in this world. In my case, at least, that is not true. The consistently good and maybe worthwhile thing I know about myself is that, except for a few brief periods of time scattered throughout my life, I have kept trying and kept pushing myself to be a better person. That is a good thing. But--what motivated me, of course, was the very fact that I don't think I am ever quite good enough, you know?

I do know I have made some inner, spiritual progress--learned some hard lessons--over my 56 years. So, in some ways I think I am probably worth more as a human being now than I used to believe I was. I do really love humanity--human beings--on a spiritual level. So much so that my heart swells up and comes dripping out my eyes sometimes. And animals. And the earth. But I have had a hard time loving some of those people in the flesh--in real daily life--up close and personal. Bosses, neighbors, lovers....

They have had a hard time loving me, too, I guess.

I still have so much to learn--to heal inside of me...

I wonder a lot about why I have all the health issues--why I am overweight (and have struggled with my weight all my life)--why I was so unsuccessful in love. Those aspects make me wonder if I have just plain failed--am a big old failure--in all those areas. Those are the parts of me that feel the most worthless--the parts of me that hang their heads in shame...

Yet I do have parts of me that I am proud of and think I do quite well with. And there are things others fret over and regret that I do not.

I am a dichotomy--contradiction--paradox--enigma. A convergence of opposites--a labyrinth of thoughts and emotions. Get a shovel! Drop breadcrumbs!

Maybe it is because I have always tried to be painfully honest with myself--to see all the black, nasty things hiding inside myself. I try not to shy away from those parts of myself. It is hard work. (As human beings, we are absolutely gifted when it comes to self-denial.) I have been honest with others about those parts of myself, too. Probably moreso than most people--I have learned that is true. But--just because you can see your own dark side and even point it out--confess it--to others, doesn't magically eliminate that darkness within you.

Looking back, I seem to have spent most of my life digging, shoveling, shining bright lights in dark places--unearthing those broken parts of myself. I feel like I have tried to work on healing those parts, too--especially the last 14 years that I have spent alone--but I really question how much actual progress I have made in all those years. ???? Here I am today--unhealthy, overweight, and I never did find my soulmate. (Not for want of looking and believing--until 1993--hehe!)

Self-worth.

Self-worth?

I need to think more on this--cogitate. :)

I have decided that I want to be less guarded and bland on my blog. Be more my true self, I guess. I will occasionally think out loud online. No idea how often--but I will label these entries "cogitation". If you like this new aspect or have a remark--please leave a comment. :)

Till next time--Happy New Year!