Thursday-10:45am

Greetings!

Got the best picture of Ian and Liam in my Christmas card!  It's on the frig--with an Ian drawing above it.  They're about 3 1/2 years and 3 1/2 months.

Was having IBS issues Tuesday and Wednesday.  Mary did show up--without calling ahead, as usual.  I was okay at the time so we did visit.  After she'd been here about an hour she suddenly remembered that she had tried to call me and figured she had the wrong number.  She showed me her paperwork and--yes--she had my old land line number from where I used to live.  ??  I don't know why they gave her that number.  I thought I changed everything when I moved with the county, state, and federal.  ?? 

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Unless she looked my number up herself in an old phone book? lol!

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I gave her my correct number.  Later she suddenly remembered she had to babysit for her daughter and rushed out the door.

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Anyways, after she left and I ate dinner I was really in worse shape (IBS).  Also, couldn't sleep that night--till morning--and then only slept a couple of hours.  I thought--say, didn't this happen last time she was here?  

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Well, I journal every day...so I looked it up.  Yup!  I am having progressively worse stress reactions to Mary's visits.  Fibro and stress are not friends.  By now, things should be getting better and not worse.  I signed up for a senior companion thinking it would be fun.  Honestly didn't expect it to be more and more stressful and something I didn't look forward to. 

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I think we're just a poor match--despite having a few things in common.  Mary is always tired, rubbing her eyes, doesn't give much eye contact, and can't even remember to call ahead.  Even though every visit that was the last thing I said--reminding her to call ahead--and the first thing I said to her when she got here--you didn't call.  Every single time she'd say--oh, afraid you'll forget I'm coming?  Or, did you forget I was coming?  And every single time I'd have to explain to her--no, it was due to health issues and having bad days in my pajamas.  And every single time she'd say--oh, yes (like she'd remembered) and then tell me she's forgetful and might not remember.  And she never did.

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Just has never been any kind of "connection", you know?  Not even casual acquaintance kind of connection.  There have been a couple of times already that I mentioned something I talked about in a previous visit and there was a blankness to her eyes...like she either didn't remember or wasn't even listening at the moment.  (Bigger stuff like Dagan having heart defects, not small talk.)  So, I had decided to give it till the end of the year and if things didn't get better to just opt out of the program.

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Dagan came by last Friday to shovel off my patio for me.  We'd had rain and ice buildup so it got too crusty for me to handle.  I told him about the latest with Annie.  :):)

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I woke up on Thursday the 7th and saw Annie sitting in the doorway to the bedroom.  I invited her up on to the bed like I have many times before --but this time she came right up!  She only stayed a couple minutes the first time.  But once a barrier is broken with her inner shy self--things can change rapidly.  

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Well, within 4-5 days...now Annie comes and goes on the bed with me all the time!  She's a bad influence if I am half awake, deciding whether or not to get up, and she pops lightly up for a quick nap.  Too easy to doze off for a while with her.  ;)

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 Here she was deciding whether to head up on the bed for an afternoon nap.  I don't know why she pauses to seemingly think it over because she picks that spot almost every afternoon.  Silly girl.  Cats do like to make choices, though.

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Tuesday Caroline came to clean.  I told her about the Mary dilemma and Caroline agreed that Mary and I certainly didn't connect.  She thought I should quit Mary, too, but suggested maybe I wait till spring and try somebody else.  We'll see.  I thought I would give it another try with Mary but I was already not feeling well on Tuesday...again.  

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Late Tuesday night Leah came over to make a Christmas gift card holder card.  She was here from 11pm till about 2:30am!!  I should have taken a picture of the card--duh!!  Loved it!!  We plan to make a spin-off of smaller Christmas cards.  This one was a larger size because it will be hand delivered and didn't need an envelope.

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While Leah was here I made the decision that I was done with Mary and would call her boss and opt out of the program--could just say health issues because that's true (unless she asks for more of an explanation).  Hate to say anything bad about her.  She didn't really do anything; can't help if she's ditsy and forgetful, like she says; or that we just didn't seem to connect for whatever reason.  Mary never seemed comfortable, either.  Or interested, for that matter--LOL!  

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But I still had to cancel for the next day...and I couldn't sleep again after Leah left.  I texted Mary at 6am to tell her that I had been up all night and was cancelling our visit.  I finally made it to bed at 8am.  Restless--up and down.

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   I heard the phone ring at about 1:15pm.  Mary finally did call to ask if it was okay to come for her visit--when I had hoped she wouldn't call--ROFL!!   I called her back and told her I had texted her that morning about being up all night.  She said she doesn't remember to check for those.  This entire companion thing has been a non-stop comedy of errors.

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  Anyways, since then--my guts stopped rolling around and I just felt relieved.  I never would have guessed that having someone over to visit and have coffee would have been so difficult and stressful.  I don't need to feel like work for somebody to get through--like they would rather be home in bed or doing something else--an obligation, you know?  Great idea, but maybe not for me.  So that's the end of the senior companion adventure. 

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Maybe after eleven years alone over at West Winds and my two years here (where I have attempted to be a little social but it didn't seem to take) I have become more of a recluse?  Can one be a chatty introvert?  

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In these last couple of years I have definitely learned that I have absolutely no desire for company just for company's sake.  Maybe I was a hermit in a past life.  A hermit scribe--LOL!  I am quite content alone and only seeing people that lift my soul just to lay eyes on.  (McFamily, of course, is number one on my in-the-flesh list.)  My social life is more on paper these days--LOL!  I have been a letter writer since I was nine and the last decade or so have added bloggers and email to the mix.  Envelopes in the mail, emails, blog posts--they make me light up, too.

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Maybe it's the priorities, you know?  When you have limited good hours to spend--minimal spoons--you want to spend them the best, most positive way you can, right?  I am very content with the way things are.  Annie and I will watch the birds...    

...my social life will be mostly conducted through my finger tips...and I will continue to feel the occasional joy of seeing loved ones walk through the door.  What was I thinking!?  I, honestly, have no complaints.  :)

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Meanwhile, back at the ranch...

We had a bit of snow last night!  

Enough for the plows to be out and small snow banks to appear.  I'm delighted, of course.  Christmas isn't Christmas without snow up here.  :) 

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 I tossed out some seed on to the snow this morning.  Looks like there were a lot of visitors.

Can you see where the grouse dug in against the cold?  Was 3 below zero when I got up this morning.  (That's minus 19.4 C)

The girls dig a hole in the snow, snuggle down, fluff up, and tuck in a bit to be protected from the wind.  So they are very happy to have snow, too.  ;)

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Speaking of--the five are out on the patio right now pecking and digging away for seed.  The sun is shining.  I have a stack of letters to answer.  And I slept really well last night!  ;)  Life is good.

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If I am not back before then...Merry Christmas to all of you who celebrate it and Happy Holidays to everyone!  From the Fargo recluse?  LOL!

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"There's a difference between solitude and loneliness."

Maggie Smith

"It is only in solitude that I ever find my own core."

Anne Morrow Lindbergh

"Some people can't stand being alone.  I love solitude and  silence.  But when I come out of it, I'm a regular talking machine.  It's all or nothing for me."

Celine Dion