November 18, 2024 Monday--5am

Good morning!

I am working on resetting my state of mind.  Been a rough week.

Many of you who have been around for a while know that Dagan & Leah and I have often had serious failures in communication.  Texts and emails are just not the best ways to discuss things.  Since Leah went back to work this year any communication has been sparse.  The most Leah and I have texted and emailed has been about decisions on things for the apartment.  

The failure to communicate...

I was under the impression that basically all that was left was appliances and putting the furniture together.  So I thought the apartment was really close to being done.  When the Goldmark letter came, I just thought we should push it and get me out of here...and I really, really wanted to be moved in before Christmas...and I really, really didn't want to be moving in 2025 because it has been so very long (decided August 2, 2022).  I texted them about Goldmark, giving my notice, wanting to move mid-December, etc.  Since I got no negative feedback...I thought we were all on the same page.

Leah, who has been handling most of all the build, a new job, and all the rest...figured I had just decided that even if the apartment wasn't ready that I wanted to move anyway.  That I had just really had it with waiting to move...so she would try to make that happen as best she could.  (They don't read my blog, BTW.)  She feels badly that the contractors have caused such delays, too.  Out of all six of them she hasn't had one go smoothly...plays phone tag with them.  She's exhausted and has had a rough year, too.  Rougher than mine.

So, I was texting them--asking if they were going to set up a moving company for Dec 14-15th.  And I was wondering about where to even put all my boxes...with all the furniture in place there won't be much room.  I was wondering about leaving the storage area under the stairs empty and maybe we could pile them in there...

Leah said we could probably use the studio because there won't be much furniture together...or something like that.  

Honestly...I was shocked...devastated.  The bottom fell out of my world.  I had really truly totally believed I would be moving this time.  I really did.

Won't be done?  No.  There's too much left to do.  So, I wasn't giving notice at the end of the month.  I wouldn't be moving before Christmas.  I just texted them that I couldn't even talk about this anymore...put the phone away...and cried.  I hadn't cried about it.  But this time...I really believed I was moving.  It's hard to put into words.  And pointless, really.

That was on Wednesday.

Leah had picked me up a bag of cat food and was dropping it by after work a few hours later.  She asked if we could talk.

We did.

I had no idea there was so much contractor stuff left to do...even things like no outlet to plug in the bidet toilet...so she doesn't know if she will need both the electrician and plumber back to solve that issue (might have to move the toilet out to get to the wall--or move the water softener?  There's an assortment of phone tag issues.  They have been working on the apartment every weekend.  And that is before they even start on the Ikea furniture. 

And there's a houseful of Ikea furniture: Two 12-drawer dressers, two 8-drawer dressers, Four 2-drawer dressers, two hutch bookcases with glass doors on top, two hutch bookcases with just the bottom doors, two wardrobes, three small corner bookcases, three regular size bookcases, all three tables will be put together or back together, and another skinny set of drawers like this one to put together.

And that's not counting the non-Ikea stuff...like another wall unit of shelves like this one...

...a folding chair/stepstool, and a teakwood bench for my shower.  Plus all the shelves left to install...

Well, I know Leah is really good at putting Ikea stuff together, but I had no idea how long this will all take.  I thought a month or more would be enough.  I don't think so now.  I don't think Leah knows either.  When you add them all up, there's something like 57 drawers to put together, for one thing.

With being so down about the election, the move was the bright spot in my life.  I just got too excited.  I should know better than to assume that Leah would push back on the timeline if they wouldn't be done.  That she would say something.  But Leah always tries to please and she is not one to talk much in the first place.  When she's overwhelmed, she clams up even more.  Especially if she is feeling like things are her fault--even when they aren't.

I can tell her she needs to speak up as many times as this happens, but it doesn't change anything.  It will be easier when I am actually there to keep communication open because we do much better in person.  There's nothing for me to read in her body language or her voice inflection or her face--in a text or an email, you know?  And I can just ask her things.  And she is more likely to talk more in person.  

She has had a long hard year, too.  We have both cried.  We were both on the verge of tears that night.  But we got it talked out.  I told her I have to go back to how it was, though, then.  I won't bug them and ask them questions.  They can tell me what's going on when they want to or remember.  I have to not care, to be honest.  In order for me to cope--my OCD side--I have to wear blinders to the boxes and empty home and just not think about moving.  That's just the truth.  I have to live in the present moment.  That is how I cope.  I have to change back gears...again. 

Oh, and I could have moved in mid-December--but why in the world would I want to live in even more chaos, in half the space, lots more boxes, less of my things available, unable to put things away for an unknown amount of time?!  That would drive my OCD side over the edge completely!  lol!  No thanks.  It's hard enough to move when you can unpack and reorganize your things. 

Since I still want this to be as stress-free a move as possible.  I will just go back to not thinking about moving or giving my notice until the place is completely finished.  They have their hands full all the time.  Three of them have dyslexia.  The boys each have appointments every week outside of school.  And now Leah or Dagan is bringing me to my new eye doctor on Friday afternoon for a checkup.  It's always something. 

They have the worst of it.  

It's a good thing I hadn't started my Christmas cards yet.  I had gathered everything up but hadn't started yet.  Thank goodness!  I was going to say I had moved and given the new address.  I think I jinxed myself by buying up new return address labels about a year or so ago--lol!  

Anyways, that night I had such a stuffed-up head and runny nose that I couldn't breathe.  I thought it was from crying.  (Something my body isn't used to.)  Couldn't sleep but in short naps. Turns out I have been sick ever since.  Miserable head cold and cough.  Not covid.  Took a home test.  That's the bright spot--still haven't had covid.

Oh, I had asked Leah to also look if they had the YEOWW little fish toys when she picked up the cat food last week.  They did!

Allie has been delighted.  Two of them were licked wet and are lost under some furniture already.  She goes wild jumping and batting them and tossing them with her teeth.  She's a catnip girl, for sure!  

If it weren't for the trees across the way you'd never know this was mid-November with all the green grass.  And we're supposed to get up to an inch of rain today!

So--there you have it.  Not moving yet...still.  I told Leah that since we are already going into 2025 and winter that it makes no difference to me if it ends up being spring.  Whatever.  My Federal Housing review isn't until July, so my share of the rent shouldn't go up until then, I hope.  But even if it does, it will be temporary for however long.  I don't want them all stressed out...especially Leah.  She gets the brunt of it.  She's the organizer in that household.  Now that I am pretty much past the shocking disappointment...it doesn't matter how long it takes.  Stress and I do not do well.  Leah does not do well under stress, either.  Dagan is the more laid back of us--lol!  (Don't they say men marry women like their mothers--ROFL!)

Yes, all that stress probably added to me catching this awful cold/cough.  That is just a part of fibro.  Your body turns into a stress-barometer.  It will let you know, even if you are in total denial--lol!  

So, that's it from here.  I will still be here for Christmas...maybe till spring.  I plan to play more in the studio...as soon as I quit coughing and blowing my nose and feeling miserable--lol!  At least my head and heart aren't as miserable as my body anymore. ;)  Well, technically my actual head is still miserable--headache that won't go away from the sinus pressure--lol!  But you know what I mean. ;)

I'm still feeling a bit deflated...readjusting my blinders.  Speaking of...maybe will need new glasses.  I know I need new lenses because one got pretty scratched somehow.  (I just got new lenses last time and kept the same frames.)  A new look?  Glad I found a place that takes Medicaid.  Sterling Optical.  I need to baby myself and get better before Friday's appointment. ;) 

McFamily.  I am so glad we love each other despite our faults.  I can be enthusiastic, have a forcefield of energy, and am normally very talkative, shall we say.  (Even more so since being housebound with no one to talk with but a cat for 20 years.)  I'm sure getting "never assume" lessons lately.

I just plan to take it easy, get to playing with paints, drawing, and making some fun cards.  Watch more British TV and lots less news--lol! I shall bring in some more bird seed from the garage and feed the birds until I move.  They bring me great joy.  I will have a peaceful winter.  Dagan and Leah will have all the pressure and be swamped with projects.  So, who am I to complain, eh?  I'll be fine.  Allie will be fine.  Time will pass.

May your life be uncomplicated.  May you communicate well (or better than we do--lol!).  May you be grateful for your loved ones and for every special day.  Till next week, my friends. :)