Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Wednesday-11:45pm

Leah and I went to Dr. Mike for adjustments today. He takes more time and does things a little differently than Dr. John. This was Leah's first adjustment with Dr. Mike. For headaches he had us lie on our back and held our head while he put pressure on spots at the base of the skull. Leah gets headaches quite a bit and I have had them regularly since getting fibro.

Oddly, later after I got home tonight I noticed that the left side of my neck had swollen up and hurt all the way up into my jaw. I remember years ago, before I was diagnosed with fibro, having this same side of my neck swell up like this, going into the doctor, and he couldn't find anything wrong. Eventually it went away. A couple months later it happened again, I tried the dentist, and he couldn't find anything wrong. Eventually it went away. And we are talking really obviously swollen and readily visible. So, tonight I just massaged it off and on and tried to think about sending some Healing Touch energy into it. It is already going down a bit.

I had the feeling that it was connected to the pressure he put on the base of my skull, for some reason? I've been bending my head forward, too, and massaging the base of my skull and all around on the back of my neck. How strange! There has never been an explanation for the odd sensations and occasional swelling on that side of my neck. Apparently it is getting better. Hope it is gone by the time I get up tomorrow.

After seeing Dr. Mike, Leah took me over to Sam's Club so I could buy some cheap pure vanilla and we looked at the cat supplies they have there. I got 40 lbs. of Fresh Step cat litter and a box of Fancy Feast canned cat foods (fish flavors for finicky Karma). Then we went to PetSmart. Spent the rest of my money--big surprise! hehe! These last few months I have been cutting back on food for me, Karma, and Gracie--and the time had come this month to stock up again. I spent extra on me for food, too, this month. Gracie kind of got the shaft, tho. Cheaper bird seed for her and only one package of treat sticks. Next month I will concentrate on the fish and Gracie Girl, but this month--Miss Karma made out like a bandit! She has good dry foods, catnip, two boxes of canned foods (fish flavored), lots of treats (fish flavored), and a couple of cheap toys I can tie on the end of her favorite cat pole toys.

Oh--and we found seeds I can plant for cat grass for Karma, too. Last summer I bought some cheap colorful small tin planters that have been over at Leah's ever since. We were going to plant catnip, cat grass, etc. Never have remembered to do it. So, Leah is going to mix up some dirt and vermiculite for me and I am planting them for Karma.

The 40 lb container of kitty litter was so tall it didn't fit on the floor under the shelves in the pantry. I had kept the old container I had just emptied. So, I used a plastic 4-cup measuring cup and moved the litter into the smaller container and filled it way up to the top--then slid it into the pantry and poured the rest into the cat box. I may not be able to lift much--but I am good at problem solving! hehe!

That exhausted me. Rested and watched a DVD--The Iceman Interviews:

Forensic psychologist Dr. Park Dietz gets into the mind of the notorious killer known simply as the Iceman. This disc features Dietz's previous and recent conversations with the Mafia hit man himself (aka Richard "The Iceman" Kuklinski), who confessed on camera to numerous killings. His horrific deeds landed him a sentence of 60 years; another 30 years were added concurrently for the murder of police officer Peter Calabro.

It was a series of three different HBO specials on this man, Richard Kuklinski. I suppose with watching The Sopranos lately (I have the beginning of season 4 coming tomorrow), I was curious about a real life hit man. I thought it was very sad--especially the third part where Richard was talking with a psychiatrist. His father was a cruel, cold-blooded man who beat them regularly for no reason and his mother was cold and beat him with broom handles, too. (His brother raped and killed a 12 year old girl and was in the same prison--also for life--but they rarely spoke even in passing.) They probably inherited the psycopathic personality disorders--and the constant beatings made Richard also paranoid, extremely defensive, and cruel. The only positive emotion he felt was for his wife and kids (who never knew anything about what he did), and he'd lost them when he was arrested. He had nothing. Hate was the only thing that kept him moving one foot in front of the other, he said--or life wouldn't be worth living. He said something like, "I am the lonliest man--I have nothing." And the psychiatrist said that is all he had when he started out as a kid--hate. Richard said, "well then, I've come full circle. Time to die." It was so very sad.

I watch things like that--and I think--there but for the grace of God... Which parents, which genes, what kind of life, how do you react to survive, what choices do you make.... until you have walked in another's shoes... my heart breaks for that little boy whose father and mother beat him and the only way he felt power was to throw cats into the apartment furnace and kick dogs off the roof of the building. The pain of it... so, he shut himself away from the pain and refused to feel anything but the hate of his life. What a horrible choice. But, I could understand how it could happen. And he grew up and used his violence and hatred to make money and earn position and power--killer for hire. In an odd way he eventually channeled his tendencies into an "acceptable" occupation in those circles. Before that, he was just randomly killing people for pissing him off--not that he didn't do that after it became his job, but much less often. What an angry life to live--drowning, choking in hate. I thank God, GA, and all my guides and angels that I have made it thru many circumstances in my life where I could have chosen anger and hate, but I made the choice to fight against that taking over my life and to keep aiming for love and forgiveness. Good grief! I am crying...

Anyways...well, I haven't made it back to my online classes yet today. But as of last night there were 145 introductions in the memoir class and 187 in the fiction class--in one day!! I have loved the stories we've been assigned to read so far. I wrote down the next reading assignments and will go online when I have finished them--probably tomorrow. For the memoir class I also had to ask several people I know what they thought the most interesting aspect or part of my life is to them--so I sent out an email. It has been very interesting to read what people have had to say about that. I thank everybody who has taken the time to answer. It really means a lot to me and will help me to decide where to start--has given me an overview, insights, and several stories I need to write about! :):) **Big hugs**

Timer went off--hopefully more tomorrow! :)

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Have a really great day! Karma says hi! :) :)