Sunday-3am--Consciousness Cleanse Class

Okay--finally! :)

It was one of those right-time-right-place events with this class. As you know, in mid-December I got from GA that I was supposed to try to learn how to do the full-blown soul comfort energy stuff by myself, alone here. I filled you in on the basics about me, GA, and the SC energy work (6 parts and managed to finish by New Year's Eve--tada!). While I was working on writing those parts I saw an opportunity to take this online class for free if I bought the book before January 2nd. Even had to ask Dagan and Leah to get it for me (broke)--felt so compelled to take this class. (Leah said I didn't have to pay them back--thanks, guys!!) Everything happens for a reason, right?

First of all, I had to choose an intent and focus for the class. So I picked learning how to do the full-blown soul comfort alone--not that I figured something as vague as that might fit in with the class lessons, but that's my personal goal for 2011, right? Well, right off the bat I got from GA that I had to "heal the straw"..."the energy is for you, too". I would be able to handle more energy, to be of better service, to help others more if the straw is in better shape. Well, he had me hooked with that aspect, of course.

[Dang! All I do is talk about this and I tear up. Don't worry. I have a box of Puffs sitting on the end table. Okay...here we go.]

Well, I had been doing just fine about the whole challenge before that. I have been perfectly comfortable all my life being the conduit or the straw-- letting the energy pass thru me to critters, people, even fish. I did not feel personally involved. I know that sounds strange, but it's my truth. Good grief! Besides the immediate personal "worthlessness" issue, how I am supposed to be involved in any way? When I learned how to allow this in a more focused, deliberate way as GA had asked me to in the first place back in 1993--well, one of the things I had to learn was to totally get out of the way. I had to learn to meditate, to shut off my mind, and kind of internally step aside in order for that full-blown intense energy to come through--plus I never knew that level of energy was even a possibility until it happened!

Suddenly I was having complete mental blocks about doing any kind of meditation/energy work. It would totally leave my "consciousness" (do you see the humor in the book title--ROFL!) for days or I'd remember as I was going to bed and too tired--I'd just fall asleep, anyways. In fact--truth be told--I didn't even do any of the SC meditation sessions again, at all, until a couple of days after I finished the class. I had gone into a deep inner panic, freakout--so deep that it took some digging to get to it. The class helped me dig at it--hehe!

I worked away at the class lessons--not actually doing any soul comfort sessions. But I had written that down as my intent and focus--and if I could figure this out I could be of more value--so I couldn't get away from it, either. What came out in the lessons was a lot of what I need to work on to start to "heal the straw".

I think I mentioned about finding the gifts and blessing in your own personal negative inner dialogue and beliefs. First we had to think about what they were (mine have a lot to do with not being good enough or worthy), and then find the positive side of those dark beliefs. What Dagan said to me when I was telling him and Leah about this task from the class...was that if I hadn't believed that, I might never have been able to do any of those things in the first place. Light bulb moment!! We laughed and laughed!

True!!! If I hadn't felt deeply insignificant and unimportant and worthless it might not have been so easy for me to put all those other people first. And I never would have been able to put myself aside for the soul comfort energy to come surging thru my body for someone else. (Dagan has watched it happen, so he knows.)

That is what my Dagan said to me. He has spiritual smarts and common sense. There are times where I have helped guide him and times where he has helped guide me. What a blessing he is. :):)

Okay--meanwhile--when I was doing the soul comfort meditation sessions (not knowing what I am supposed to be doing in the first place, I don't even know what to call them) the beginning of January before the class started and I freaked out about including myself in the energy...I kept getting that picture of toddler-me when I was trying to meditate. And that picture kept popping into my head during the class meditations, too. (I showed you the picture and told you about starting the "Good Girl" journal.) A lot of the "healing the straw" has to do with healing very old issues from childhood--and possibly even wounds I have carried from lifetime to lifetime, for that matter. Who knows?

We all probably have those dark voices inside our heads that were born from our parent's mouths--or could be classmates, neighbors, siblings, teachers, other relatives, or lovers....doesn't matter where the negativity is coming from. As I dug back with mine I realized that on the deepest level mine were between me and God. You can fill in the blanks endlessly: if my own parents_______, then how could God_______. Ex: If my own parents were so disappointed in me, then how could God not be disappointed in me.

But whoever said those dark things to you, they are just flawed people, too. I know that--I have forgiven all--intellectually. I was wondering why, buried deep in my chest, there was a part of me that still listened and heard and believed? Then in one of the recorded calls I was listening to from the class the lady talked about how there can be this little child inside us--that little child we once were--who wants their parents to be right--who believes mom and dad know everything. I saw toddler-me...with those trusting eyes...and I knew why that picture kept being given to me since the year began. I think I started to forgive her. I think I started to love her.

[Break. Puffs, please. Be back.]

Back...dry-eyed and full of curry..ahhh! On to some other things about the class...

I am still pondering on how to achieve balance when they say you need to be connected with your body. I have always been dissociated from my body to some degree and when you are in pain 24/7 a person can't help but disconnect from one's physical body as much as possible, you know? But one aspect they brought up that I have definitely never done is treating your body with reverence. They were talking about how tenderly, lovingly you would touch and handle a newborn baby--and what if you treated yourself that way?

That made me think about how much I thought about the intent in my heart and hands when I was learning and using Healing Touch--but when I was, say--rubbing lotion into my feet, for example--how I treated my own body like an inanimate object. Heck--I talk to and touch my car or my microwave with more love. (Yes--I do talk to everything, not just Karma--hehe!) How can I believe there is energy in everything--even this laptop--and treat my body with such nothingness? So, I'm working on that. (When I remember--LOL!)

The one exercise that stopped me cold for two days was we were supposed to write down everything we could think of that we had done well and should be appreciated for--decade by decade. First time I ever wished I was 20 again! Writing good, positive things about yourself--whew! It was really difficult. That led to hearing (on the recorded call) that woman mention the positive journal she had started to keep--and then I made up my "good girl" journal. Which isn't the easiest thing to do, I tell you. Some nights I stare at the page for quite a while--wracking my brain over my day. (Today I can write--wrote about class on the blog today!) I think this is a good thing. :)

When we got to the part about being in the present moment (these comments are not necessarily in the class order, BTW), pain was an interesting issue there, also. Pain tends to keep you in the present and yet wants you to push away from it in a physical way at the same time. Hard to put into words. Like a double-edged present moment helper--hehe! You certainly don't want to look ahead. And it's a good thing I am not a what-ifer, regrets type person concerning the past. I'm more a--consciously and with thought, do the very best you can at the time with what you have to work with and move on--type of person.

Here's another one I have been chewing on: "believing that you are all alone in life is a form of ego arrogance". I know there is truth in that. I have heard variations from GA over the years--hehe!

Toward the end of the course (the entire time I am dealing with my worthiness and value issues--directly concerning the soul comfort, of course) there came a quote--another light bulb moment--when we were discussing the differences between the ego/I and the god/we.

Your human "I" will never feel worthy enough of expressing the greatness of God's gifts.

TRUE!! I will never feel good enough anyways!! How freeing that was for me. I don't have to wait until I have healed the straw enough. I can just show up. As is.

Another little jewel from the class I am still milling on:

I = "I"llness

We = "We"llness

So--lots of things for me to think about. What has happened since then? I finished the class on a Friday and started doing the SC sessions on Monday. Been doing them about five days a week. I wasn't quite sure how to go about them, but after a while it seems to have fallen into a pattern that is working for me. First I say out loud that I accept and allow the energy for me, too. Then I just get out of the way. :)

I am out of practice at shutting off the mind chatter and getting out of the way, but I am getting better at it. The soul comfort also has to do with opening up your heart--no defenses--no walls--no expectations--no fear--total trust. I never realized that when I worked on actual people, because I must have just automatically done that. I'm learning as I go. But, I have to say, the healing of the straw must have begun because I've felt more of the energy (when it comes) as soon as I started up again after the class was over.

One last thing that's been puzzling me--I feel confused like I did back when I used to call it "bunny stuff" starting out and then learned "Healing Touch" at St. Catherine's College and then GA gave me "soul comfort"----what to call it? I have never known if the lower level stuff is more the Healing Touch and that full-blown blast of energy that I have only experienced about a dozen times is the Soul Comfort? Or is it all "soul comfort"--just with different intensities? And now that I have been telling you all about this since December, I'm really wondering again why GA wanted me to use "soulcomfort" as my online handle back in 1998 because I am now feeling as uncomfortable again as I was back then with it.

Maybe I should stopping milling out loud. I will hang onto the fact that GA told me -- you're doing better than you think you are. :):)

Wiping my eyes and blowing my nose again. Enough--enough. It's quarter to 8am. Done!

I hope you are having a great weekend. :):)

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"Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself. Do not lose courage in considering your own imperfections but instantly set about remedying them--every day begin the task anew."

Saint Francis de Sales