Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Wednesday-5:15am

Karma says hi.
I thought I should say--please, don't worry about me. I am perfectly fine, in good spirits, happy, and grateful. People who don't know me well might assume that digging around picking at old wounds might get me down in the dumps, but I want to assure everyone that this is all a positive thing for me. :) I have been here before. And I know it is always a healing process and for the better in the end.

My personal spiritual path has always seemed to be a series of mining missions. I have always been one to eventually seek out places most people would avoid--with a pick, a magnifying glass, and a huge spotlight. And I will share what I find, even if it is painful or embarrassing or shameful to me.

I don't blame anyone anymore. Not my parents, the rapists, or men I have loved. Not circumstances, situations, or bad health. This is not that I didn't in my years past, I can assure you--hehe! I have done so many mining missions in this area that I had thought these deep, old, scabbed-over wounds had been finally pretty much healed. They felt healed on the intellectual level decades ago. I have been working on the head vs. heart healing and thought I had done what I could and had put them to rest, to be perfectly honest.

Never assume. ;)

It was the soul comfort challenge that called for a mining expedition of the deepest level yet. When you are talking the ultimate, core level, meet-your-maker, no B.S., no excuses, put-up-or-shut-up, heart exposed, what-are-you-on-earth-for, now-is-the-time soul challenge.....well, I could back up a bit to get my bearings (want to run like hell!), but eventually I have to put my miner's cap on. GA knows exactly how to get under my soul skin. He knows I will have to respond--albeit reluctantly most of the time. :) It's part of who I am. (He takes his advantages to push me--and I thank him.....eventually.)

I can see that a lot of the residual negative ways I have thought about myself have been out of a kind of spiritual laziness. In that strange way it feels more comfortable and familiar. Better the devil you know, right? Old responses and beliefs can be automatic--subconscious. I can see that this deeply ingrained belief system of mine, from childhood--that I could be the straw or used as a conduit without the energy being for me personally--was what I needed to understand and change to start to "heal the straw". :)

This is all very exciting!! It still makes me a bit nervous. But when you can see something from a different perspective, you can accumulate new information that you couldn't see from the old angle of your mind's eye. :)

I may cry with toddler-me--but they are tears born of love and forgiveness. They are not tears of sadness or regret--but of recognition--and a kind of relief and freedom. It's hard to explain. But it is all good! It is all most special good--ROFL!!

More on all this to come. But right now, I have to go puree some Flemish Carrot Soup..... :):)
****

Life is like an onion: you peel it off one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep.

Carl Sandburg

12 comments:

  1. I'm glad to hear you are doing ok. It is difficult to dig deep like you have been doing.

    Pureed Flemish Carrot Soup? Never heard of it!

    Tell Karma I said hi! and stay warm and enjoy the rest of the week.

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  2. Good for you, Rita....I think the mining missions, even though some may be emotionally painful, are going to be beneficial to you. I like that you are feeling love and forgiveness rather than sadness or regret.

    The Flemish Carrot soup sounds delicious!

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  3. *waves hi to Karma but i bet she can't see me* :)

    I like to hear that you're feeling love and foregiveness instead of sadness and regret, too. Not everyone can do that. I have a friend who "beats up" on herself almost every day in one way or another.

    I've never heard of Flemish Carrot Soup either. (do you have to be Flemish to eat it?) :p

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  4. Deanna--Yes-it's funny how difficult it is to just face things we don't like about ourselves. I think it is a natural human talent--ROFL! Karma says hi back! LOL! Have a really good weekend. :)

    Serena--I've done my share of digging that was much more sad and painful, mostly because of perspective, I think. That's why when people ask if you would want to go back and be young again I quickly decline--been a lot of very hard work to attain what knowledge I do have--ROFL!! And the older you get the more experience you have in getting thru the hard times--the dark nights of the soul, the traumas, the unexpected crises, injustices, pain--and be able to find the positives, lessons, gifts, and your calm inner balance more quickly. :):) But--ask me if I'd want to come back again--and without hesitation I'd say yes. I am a paradox, I guess. But it's like if you were climbing a mountain and were two thirds of the way to the top and somebody asked you if you wanted to go back down and start over. Nope--I'd want to get to the top first, let me rest a good while, and THEN I'd be willing to start all over again. You betcha! ;)

    AliceKay--I know quite a few people who beat themselves up all the time. I used to do it a lot myself--hehe! That and believing I was a victim and had no control over my life. Kind of funny when you think about it. I have less physical control over my life than I have ever had, but I feel more in control of my life than I ever have. God has a good sense of humor, I think--LOL!! ;)

    I think I am going to have to post the recipe for the carrot soup. :)

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  5. I'm glad to hear you are doing OK with all this soul searching and wound picking!

    Nope... Never assume, because you're never done learning, and it's only when you learn what it is you need to learn to continue that you can continue. If you know what I mean by that.

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  6. I am so glad you are doing well and enjoying your mining. I dont think I could do that, I know I do have to face my maker with my past and that is sad enough in itself but to so call air things out publicly I would probably lose friends, I admire you and the things you have accomplished lately with your classes. Say hi back to Karma hehehe. Hope you have a happy weekend HUGS

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  7. Hugs!!! Sounds like you are really making a lot of personal progress, which can only make you a better "straw", right?? Best wishes to you!

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  8. Tori--Yah! I know! It's like you only get rest periods to absorb what you learned--if you're lucky. LOL! :) This has been worth all the effort so far and I shall keep on digging. :)

    Lynn--Well, we wouldn't want you to lose any friends--hehe! ;) Sometimes I have to push myself to dig deep and share, but I always feel better when I have drug my shadows out into the light, I guess. Happy weekend to you, too! :)

    Jeannie--That's the goal! Better strawdom--ROFL! ;) Happy weekend!

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  9. Rita...I've been gone for so long and after reading this post went back and rad so many that I've missed while being gone. Major reason for my own absence? Licking my own wounds.

    But after reading YOUR post, I feel better. Vicariously through you! It IS about perspective. And surprisingly enough I've done some of my own mining to come to conclusions that weren't the same ol'automatic of past.

    {{{{{hugs}}}}} to YOU darlin'. I'm excited FOR you!! You're a gem.

    :-)

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  10. Oh, Nancy, that's awesome!! So very happy for you!!!! Hugs back to you, Lady!!! That's just the best news! Come back again soon!! You made my day! :):):)

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  11. :)

    You are doing well - that is the best part of this...

    *Hugs*

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  12. Iggy--Thanks so much!! You are so sweet! Hugs back!! :)

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Have a really great day! :) :)