Wednesday-5:15am

Karma says hi.

I thought I should say--please, don't worry about me. I am perfectly fine, in good spirits, happy, and grateful. People who don't know me well might assume that digging around picking at old wounds might get me down in the dumps, but I want to assure everyone that this is all a positive thing for me. :) I have been here before. And I know it is always a healing process and for the better in the end.

My personal spiritual path has always seemed to be a series of mining missions. I have always been one to eventually seek out places most people would avoid--with a pick, a magnifying glass, and a huge spotlight. And I will share what I find, even if it is painful or embarrassing or shameful to me.

I don't blame anyone anymore. Not my parents, the rapists, or men I have loved. Not circumstances, situations, or bad health. This is not that I didn't in my years past, I can assure you--hehe! I have done so many mining missions in this area that I had thought these deep, old, scabbed-over wounds had been finally pretty much healed. They felt healed on the intellectual level decades ago. I have been working on the head vs. heart healing and thought I had done what I could and had put them to rest, to be perfectly honest.

Never assume. ;)

It was the soul comfort challenge that called for a mining expedition of the deepest level yet. When you are talking the ultimate, core level, meet-your-maker, no B.S., no excuses, put-up-or-shut-up, heart exposed, what-are-you-on-earth-for, now-is-the-time soul challenge.....well, I could back up a bit to get my bearings (want to run like hell!), but eventually I have to put my miner's cap on. GA knows exactly how to get under my soul skin. He knows I will have to respond--albeit reluctantly most of the time. :) It's part of who I am. (He takes his advantages to push me--and I thank him.....eventually.)

I can see that a lot of the residual negative ways I have thought about myself have been out of a kind of spiritual laziness. In that strange way it feels more comfortable and familiar. Better the devil you know, right? Old responses and beliefs can be automatic--subconscious. I can see that this deeply ingrained belief system of mine, from childhood--that I could be the straw or used as a conduit without the energy being for me personally--was what I needed to understand and change to start to "heal the straw". :)

This is all very exciting!! It still makes me a bit nervous. But when you can see something from a different perspective, you can accumulate new information that you couldn't see from the old angle of your mind's eye. :)

I may cry with toddler-me--but they are tears born of love and forgiveness. They are not tears of sadness or regret--but of recognition--and a kind of relief and freedom. It's hard to explain. But it is all good! It is all most special good--ROFL!!

More on all this to come. But right now, I have to go puree some Flemish Carrot Soup..... :):)

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Life is like an onion: you peel it off one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep.

Carl Sandburg