Saturday, August 06, 2011

Saturday-7:15am: Flowers and Garbage-Prologue Part One

I woke up thinking about Flowers and Garbage so I figured I would just dedicate myself today to trying to put this into words again. Not an easy task, as it is a concept that spreads out in all directions like a drop of water on a still pond. That's why I was curious to see what I had written down almost 30 years ago because, since then, flowers and garbage has never left me and has actually grown over the years to cover light and darkness. (The above sunrise this morning seemed quite appropriate--LOL!) Don't worry. I promise I won't overdo, so this could end up being told in parts for all I know. I won't know until my timer and I really get into this. ;)

Okay, I need to start by telling you the backstory of how my arrogant, self-pitying, demanding, stubborn self was given this whole concept in the first place. ;)
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I had already had my heart broken more than once, been raped, robbed, lied to, cheated on, back-stabbed, homeless, seen miracles, cheated death with Dagan, and always managed to survive and land on my feet without my spirit being broken. I still loved life, had faith in people, and had managed to retain my optimism and my belief in goodness and in love conquering all...kind of by the skin of my teeth through sheer determination, despite evidence to the contrary--ROFL! My tattered flower child soul had managed to survive.

My relationship with Dagan's father was oddly sterile, unhealthy, one-sided, and heart-breaking. We were together and apart, together and apart--before we were married, during the marriage, and after the marriage. He'd want me, tell me everything I wanted to hear, get me back, lose interest, and discard me--and later Dagan, too. (Dagan was expected to die, after all, so he didn't want to get attached to a son he was going to lose.)

It was Dagan who changed my perspective. Freezing me out and insulting me was one thing, but hurting my baby boy was another thing altogether. I left Dagan's dad when Dagan was two and didn't go back to him.

A few years go by and lots of things happen. I am more and more confused by people--and how to remain a good, open, honest person when some people seemed to take that as an open invitation to attack. But most people were nice, life went on, and I assumed I would figure it out one day if I just tried hard enough and didn't give up.

I had been in PWP (Parents Without Partners) for a couple of years when this guy I had seen around for a long time kind of zeroed in on me. He seemed too good to be true. (Red flag, people!) Was divorced and had custody of his two boys--so must have been a great guy to have custody, right? (I had no idea you could frighten an ex-wife into handing over a child.) Long story short--he told me toward the end of our brief one-year marriage that he had been watching me and listening to me for over a year at PWP functions and knew exactly what to tell me--what I wanted to hear. He cut way back on his drinking and even quit to "get me". After we were married he went back to steady drinking, secretly. Confessing all this, he honestly believed that I would forgive him and stay.

Stay with a man who (within six months of our marriage) was like Jekyll and Hyde, who beat his oldest son, who screamed in my face, smashed things when he was angry, who threatened to shoot me, who refused to get help for his confessed perpetual drinking, whose devoted 9-yr old attack dog put his muscular doberman body between us and growled at his master when he threatened me? I don't think so. It's one thing to leave me shaking and trembling while the kids slept, but nobody messes with my Dagan. This was escalating quickly. I saw the blood and bruises on his own son when he slumped back into the house after his dad "taught him a lesson". I knew eventually it would be me...it would be Dagan (he was just seven years old).

Nobody hits me. Nobody messes with my son.

I secretly borrowed the money, found an apartment, had Dagan staying elsewhere, and broke the news that I wanted a divorce and was moving out. He kicked and beat the dog out of the house, spittle sprayed on my face, furniture flew, but I didn't flinch or back down. (GA gave me the "red rubber ball" vision that helped me so much--explain later.) He threatened to shoot me...in tears, to shoot himself. I learned that when it comes to my soul...I'd rather be dead than give it away.

The divorce was volatile, to say the least. He'd go from begging me to come back, to threatening and stalking me. I was moving things in a Pacer (had just learned to drive that year at 30) and needed him to help me move the bigger furniture. He'd bring over one thing at a time to drag it out. Give me things. Ask for them back (including the used Pacer). I'd never argue--bring whatever back the next day while he was at work (including the car) and then he'd call and tell me to take whatever again. (Even yarn plant hangers!?)

Guess who started coming around telling me how much he'd changed in the past five years and wanting to be a shoulder for me to cry on? Yup! And guess who was gullible enough to believe him? Yup! Frying pan into the fire.

Several months later I was over at Dagan's dad's house washing clothes, running a bit later than usual, and the phone rang. When I answered this young girl was really upset and demanded to know who the hell I was. His ex-wife. Click. Suddenly memories of other young girls (waitresses from work) and other odd things kind of fell into place...and I decided to hell with trust and scruples...and went thru his house. I found love letters from this girl...who dotted her "i"s with hearts. Took them with me and left.

That night I left Dagan with my sister and drove to his house to confront him...threw the letters in his face! And you know what he was upset about? He absolutely could not believe that I had gone through his things--was shocked! He knew me that well. Had been so confident I would never break my own moral code that he let me come over and wash clothes by myself at his house for months. He informed me that he was bored with me, anyways. I was no challenge because I believed anything anybody told me. "You have sucker written right across your forehead." He laughed. I cried.

I broke.

My soul cracked.

I had always told myself that if people really knew they were hurting other people they probably wouldn't do or say what they did. They are just self-involved or misguided or damaged, as we all are to some degree. I'd make excuses. I'd forgive. Sometimes with gritted teeth, but I'd forgive, right? But he had known me better than anyone. Knew the hell I had just endured with my second marriage. He had hurt me deliberately. With malice and cruelty--and for sport, apparently.

I had looked evil in the smiling face. Could find no good...no excuses...no forgiveness.

I was destroyed. Stricken to the core. Devastated. I laid in bed and couldn't move for two days. Overwhelmed with the bleakness. Immobilized by fear. How do I live in this world? How do I function? How can I protect myself? How can I protect Dagan? I have just been a human target with a big neon arrow over my head...with "sucker" on my forehead...and big sign on my chest shouting "foolish flower child soul--strike here".

I saw evil everywhere I looked--in some form, on some level or another--including my own dark side I had been battling all my life.

I gave up.

I became bitter. Hard. Sarcastic. I didn't trust anybody. It was a dog eat dog world. I had just been too naive and blind to see it.

People who were close to me were very worried about me. Please! This isn't you! You're not like this!

How the hell do you know?

People had told me over the years--you have your head in the clouds--you're just weird--you think too much--you're not being realistic--normal people aren't like that--you're not like other people...

Well, maybe I wasn't!

But you get your heart ripped out and your teeth kicked in enough times and you finally wise up to how things really are in this world.

It was a dark, dark year.

To be continued......

15 comments:

  1. Wow! I feel like I'm left hanging....can't wait for the resolution of how the broken person you were became the basically optimistic and sensitive person you currently are.

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  2. Some people are just cruel and don't care who they walk over in an effort to get what they want. I'm just sorry to hear that you seem to have been married to two of those types of people.

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  3. Gasp. Double gasp. Whew, Rita, the fact that you survived all this is... simple amazing and inspiring. No matter what you say after this, I know you are a good and caring person today. It's no miracle, but simple determination...

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  4. I know this story has a happy ending...but I'm sorry for the sad beginning!! Hugs!

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  5. Rita this is so heartbreaking and yet I know you have your happy ending, It broke my heart to read this and I sure hope that those boys with that bad crazy man did not suffer too much and I can only imagine how they feel towards their dad now. You have truly lived a rough life, HUGS!!

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  6. Carol--Yup! This is one of the things that happened to help me get to where I am today. One of the big ones! :)

    Tori--Well, I really do believe that we attract what we need on a soul level. I probably wouldn't have learned the things I did if it weren't for the situations and people I attracted. I wouldn't be the me I am right now, right?

    Djan--LOL! How True! It was a lot of work to get to here--a lot of soul searching and hard lessons learned. Been a bumpy path, and this is just a small part of it. No wonder I've been so thrilled to have such peace the last six years. Absolutely heavenly!! (I do not count the physical annoyances.)

    Jeannie--My whole life has been on the tumultuous side--with breaks--LOL! ;)

    Lynn--I've often wondered about them, too. I did see the oldest boy when his father was being sued years later (accused of molesting the next wife's daughter) and he apparently admired his dad. (Just seeing that man made my insides shakey years later.) The prosecution called me as a witness--and yet he and his dad thought I was on their side!!!??? Until I testified.
    Amazing how people can have selective memory. Because I didn't fight back, scream, or yell--the man thought we had an amicable divorce!! But all the years of drinking--how many brain cells were left. I really wouldn't want to run into him alone after testifying about his violent nature. He was livid! Waiting for me outside the courthouse! I had to have several people walk me out of the building. Was living in another state at the time and didn't hang around, I tell you!
    Yup! I've had quite the colorful life--LOL! A sense of humor is essential. ;)

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  7. AliceKay--I've had a colorful life, as they say. ;)

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  8. AH, wow! My ending thought to this post was "so what if you were different? You bleed just like everybody else" and well then I thought you obviously already knew that.

    Sitting on pins and needles, waiting to hear the next segment!

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  9. Nikki--Yup! I'd done enough bleeding to know that--LOLOL!! I've been posting segments every day. Didn't know it would take this long--hehe! I will get to the end, I promise. ;)

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  10. I'm hanging on by my fingers. You brave woman. Terah

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  11. Absolutely!

    And that's why I say that if I had the chance to go back and change things from my past, I wouldn't. Better to be the people we are now from the choices we made then than to go back, change things, and possibly end up making ourselves the kind of people we don't want to be. Right?

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  12. Terah--Not sure if I was brave or just stupid--LOL! I hope to post one part a day till I am done. ;)

    Tori--I'd never want to go back. Took too much work to get here. And if I didn't have all these very things happen, I wouldn't be who I am today. Totally agree! :)

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  13. I'm finally feeling a bit better so I am trying to catch up with my reading and this... is heavy duty reading.

    No matter if you do say, "it made me what I am," I wish you had met someone who could enjoy all those things you have to offer a soulmate. "If only" is a phrase the shrinks say, Ut ut ut! no... you don't want to say that"...

    But I do anyway, "if only."

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  14. Iggy--Oh, Sweetie! I didn't know you weren't feeling well! And then I have heavy duty reading to boot. Sorry.
    If I had actually met my soulmate (I did believe I looked hard--LOL!) my life would have been so different and I would definitely not be the same person now. But I may have been very happy with him to this day, I suppose. I'm not much one for the "if only"s. Not much for regrets. Life is too short. :):)
    Feel better!!! Hope you have a great Wednesday! :)

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