Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Wednesday-10:15am: Flowers and Garbage-Part One

I'm not sure how long I waited...every single night...mulling...ruminating...and, honestly, more than a little annoyed with God. How could we be left to flounder like this? How do we recognize and deal with evil? If I was always on guard and needed to be prepared to protect myself, how could I ever again be a loving and open person? How could I live being suspicious of every person I meet? Am I supposed to do battle? Or are we supposed to go forward like lambs to the slaughter and just take it? Are we not supposed to protect ourselves? How can we all be children of God when we are capable of such unspeakable things? And often in God's name? I ask for help, I get silence. Nothing. I'll figure this out on my own then--thank you very much!

Weeks went by and--surprise--I hadn't figured anything out. My anger had waned, my resolve to do this on my own come hell or high water had eroded, my heart withered at the prospect of toe to toe battle...I felt weak and small and defeated before I began. But...the beauty of this world could reduce me to tears! I truly believed I did love my son more than my own life! There were acts of love everywhere...both fierce and tender...that blasted light to the heavens and beyond...that could drop me to my knees! If I was a fool for love...of people, the earth, living things...so be it. I knew that swelling of the heart that words cannot express...that lifts your soul and fills you with unspeakable joy. I pick that! If it is the last thing I do on this earth, I--pick--that!!

I knew I couldn't do it alone for very long. But what choice did I have? I knew my very soul couldn't survive...refused to survive...in that empty darkness of the last year. There was no choice for me. I'd rather be dead than give up on love...goodness...joy! I tried living without it--it sucked!!! But I was soul-exhausted and beaten down. World weary to my bones. Didn't even know where or how to start...too tired to start if I did know.

Gasping...heaving...tears...

Well, I've never known how to actually put into words what happened next. The closest I can come is that it almost felt like I was being hugged...by Jesus? Angel? God? It honestly doesn't matter to me who or what it was. I suddenly felt my entire body physically enveloped, cocooned, by this peaceful, lifting calm of pure, pure, unconditional love...that was intense, strong, powerful! Unassailable truth! Lightly vibrating waves of energy kind of washed right through me.

Then it lifted away and was gone.

Me. I was speechless.

But GA sure wasn't. He (obviously not the hugger and greatly disturbing my state of bliss) couldn't stop giggling!

So--he chortled--little old you were going to take on the very devil himself all by your lonesome small self?

Having just had a personal glimpse of the true power of goodness and love that can conquer all...and knowing my own flawed self as I do...I started to laugh at the audacious silliness of it all. My body, my soul, welcomed it like a long lost friend. It made me realize that I hadn't genuinely laughed in a very long time--always a bad sign. GA can always find a way to get me to laugh at myself--not take myself so seriously. What absolute foolish arrogance!!! Oh, I had missed the joy of laughter so very much.

We laughed and laughed and laughed. I could tell GA was glad to have me back.

And when I was quietly blissed out by giggles...

GA gave me the vision of Flower and Garbage. :):)

9 comments:

  1. GA's touch must have been such a wonderful experience for you. I can read it in your words. How often do we actually feel unconditional love?

    :)

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  2. AliceKay--Sorry. I must not have written this very well. The "hug" was not from GA. I'm not sure who it was from, but it was awesome! I can still remember it. :):)

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  3. I am in awe of the incredible courage you demonstrate by writing this all down. And I know it's only going to get better, since you are telling it from the vantage point of a healed spirit... I look forward to your next installment.

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  4. Sorry...I reread that one sentence "obviously not the hugger and greatly disturbing my state of bliss" and see clearly that GA wasn't the "one".

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  5. Djan--Just posted the last one. I hope it's not too disappointing after the big build-up--ROFL!! ;)

    AliceKay--Oh, okay. Thanks! I was afraid I had been unclear and was just going to confuse everybody. I do that, too. Read quickly. ;) I hope if it was confusing to anyone else that they would let me know.
    Anyways, it was totally awesome!! Like having your soul hugged! :):)
    Have a great weekend!

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  6. That must have been a wonderful feeling... Especially after all those much more unpleasant feelings!

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  7. Tori--Absolutely!! :):)

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  8. *Hugs*

    The pit of dispair can be so bleak and dark - and the climb from it, exhausting...

    ...I'm glad you found your way...

    ...now to avoid falling in again...

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  9. Iggy--Yes, it's bleak and dark. I remember it sooo well that I think when I am hanging on by my fingernails to the earth with my ass hanging in the pit, it helps me to climb out, thumb my nose at it, and do the happy dance just for spite! ;)

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