Friday, March 21, 2008

Friday-8:30am plus cogitation-rape and love

My order came yesterday from Arnold Grummer's!! I can't even remember right now if I mentioned it in here or not? I figured out that I could get the paper casting moulds that Leah and I wanted and still get the mixer in April.
Here's a picture that includes the three moulds I already owned (on the left side-dragonfly, sunflower, and butterfly). The little bag on the right (above) is some kind of an additive that is supposed to make the paper smoother--for stamping, writing, watercoloring, etc. Wanted to try that out and see if it was worth buying more?
Wow! What fun, eh? I plan to use the snowflake for some Christmas cards. I'd like to try the additive and see about doing a little watercolor painting--maybe even on the moulds--try it out?

I put the matching folding table up in my bedroom by the window to hold all the papermaking supplies. That way I don't have to leave them all over the kitchen counters. I can clean things up and put them in here in the bedroom--and still be able to cook and bake--tada! Should have thought of this before.
Well, that was also a Gracie space before, too, tho. I had her playpen there by the window. So this space was freed up, also, when Gracie left.
I continue to make a couple bookcards out of the new paper, as needed. I should make up a few of them again now that I am feeling better (less nauseous--hehe!).
Too tired now. Have been up all night and going to bed soon. Being sick got my hours all goofy again. No surprise when you sleep 14 hours at a stretch, of course. I am working my way around the clock again-hehe! I am sleeping well, tho. :)
Besides slowly preparing for papermaking, what have I been up to for two days? Well, teasing Karma with the computer arrow for one--hehe!
She is so fascinated by it and can't figure out where it goes when I scoot it down below eye level.
She tries to reach it underneath the computer--to no avail. But she always tries to catch it with her paw like this. Cracks me up. I am easily entertained.
I also stuck an almond in her new Pepsi bottle toy so that it rattles as she pushes it about on the floor. Yup! We are both easily entertained--hehe!
I watched I Am Legend and The Brave One. Both good in different ways. I Am Legend is a remake of the old Charlston Heston movie Omega Man, I think. I think they went a little overboard on the formerly human creatures--abilities and appearance--but that is how they do things these days--make them wildly unrealistic. I'd love to see the old movie with Mr. Heston again, for comparison--but I didn't see it on Netflix. :(
The Brave One--interesting to see a woman turn vigilante. I could totally relate to her fear after she was attacked and her fiance was killed. I remember the paralyzing fear after I was grabbed off the street, beaten, and raped when I was 17 years old. (July 11, 1968--I am not good at dates, but I will never forget that one.) I remember the feeling of panic afterwards--of not being safe anywhere--but I couldn't relate to her hate and anger, to be honest. Not even back then. It was fear--and pity--overwhelming pity for their souls. An overwhelming mix of sorrow and fear--but there was a great joy mixed in there, too. But then, I am weird. I don't always react in "normal" ways to events--as people who know me will attest. You'd have to know the whole story.
I totally understand the anger--someone reacting as she did in the movie. As a human being, you can understand why, of course. The movie made me sad. It did show that reacting to violence with violence just left her feeling empty and unhappy with who she had become. Just added more violence to this unpredictable world. She became like them.
I didn't lose someone I love to violence, tho. I had no one to avenge. It was just me--my body--that was hurt. I discovered that no matter what someone does to your body, they can't touch your soul--not unless you allow it. Whatever they do--is on their souls. What I do--is on my own soul.
I have often wondered if I would ever resort to violence to save my own life? I would hope not. Having been in that kind of situation, I don't think so. I think I would be much more likely to become violent to protect the people I love and care about. But I would hope and pray that any situation could be resolved without violence--on my part, anyways. I have a tremendous faith in the power of God/goodness/positives/love--since I was young. It has faltered at times, but has always returned to me. :) I guess I have to tell you the story--short version.
There were three men in that car. The leader snatched me off the street as I was walking home--drug me into the back seat of the car--two other men were in the front seat. He beat me till I passed out. Drove around in the country where there were no street lights. Played cat and mouse with me. As I was getting dressed--he took the driver's seat and sent the man who'd been at the wheel into the back seat with me--threatening to run me down and kill me if I tried to get out of the car. I couldn't see anything but black night and trees. Then the second man was instructed to take his turn--and the boss turned on the dome light to watch and drive and laugh. And he kept telling me all along that they were going to kill me when they were done with me. I had nothing to lose.
I had never been that close to such empty, lost souls--to such a level of anger and hate. I really had absolutely nothing to lose. I was going to die soon. Was overwhelmed with such sadness for their souls. There was no point in telling them I was afraid or I wanted to live--they could see me shaking and I believed what he told me. I was going to die. I had this overpowering feeling that I was supposed to say something before I left this world--so I started talking. It almost hurt to "feel" them--don't know how to explain it. I wanted to help before I left--(the "soul comforter" in me runs deep). I talked about how I felt alone, too--about how you can't take love from someone (I was too naive to know that rape has not much to do with love and a lot to do with power and hate)...I don't remember eveything I said, but I know I talked about God and love...mostly about love and how precious it is when given freely...I remember feeling lifted up just talking about it--like I do.
They had all been silent and listening to me as we drove in the darkness. The boss suddenly screamed at me to shut up and turned the radio up really loud. I had done my best. I had opened my heart to them. I sat quietly in the back seat--shaking and trembling--waiting. The second man was huddled up against the door looking pointedly out the window. I had a good idea what was next.
The music pounded and I watched. The boss leaned over and shouted into the third man's ear. He shook his head no. The dark-haired boss struck him hard on the side of his head. I knew what that ring felt like. The sandy-haired man kept his head straight forward and wouldn't look at the dark-haired man--and kept shaking his head no as the dark-haired man struck him several times.
I am crying as I am writing this. Every time I think of the sandy-haired man I am overcome with joy--with love. I wish I could meet him one day to thank him--and to tell him how proud I am of him for saying no. For standing up to that angry, frightened dark-haired bully. For being a man he should be proud of--for taking a stand--for saying no.
If you believe in God or the positive power of love in the Universe--I felt it there in that car with me that night. The boss man's shoulders dropped a little. He didn't turn around again except to turn the dome light off. He couldn't look at me, either.
He let me go. They didn't kill me. He even drove me to within a few blocks of where they had kidnapped me--dumped me off with threats--to kill my family or anyone I told--don't turn around--keep walking.....
I am glad I have been reminded of the girl I was and the unwavering faith I had. I can still connect with that pure part of myself, but it is a little more protected over time and hidden by layers, I guess. But I am still here.
Now you see why I also have "joy" when I remember being raped 40 years ago. Over time the fear grows less and the joy grows more.
I still believe! :)

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