Friday-7:45am

The heat from that little white box was becoming just too interesting to Miss Karma.

I could care less if she wanted to roll and lay on the box...

...but she had also been getting way too interested in the skinny side of the cord...

...which looks too similar to string for me to trust her keeping her teeth off of it. I saw that mouth open and the cord got switched to run alongside the chair and get plugged in behind the chair. No more running across the floor like an open invitation--hehe! Added bonus--I probably won't trip anyone accidentally...mainly me--ROFL! I should have thought of this before, right? Duh!

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Okay--warning--don't read any farther if you don't want to hear me bemoan my fate. I am not feeling my usual self today. I will vent and move on--but I am venting today.

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Well, I called about the debt collection threat. Doesn't matter that I have been making payments for a year because they don't consider anything under $130 a month adequate payment--so I am still considered "delinquent" even tho I have been making payments because I haven't been paying a high enough percentage of my bill.

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In order for me to have them agree to a smaller payment per month and not send this to debt collection, they are sending me paper work to fill out. The paperwork--I have to not only give them my monthly income, they want me to tell them every bill I have and how my money is spent on necessities each month. Then a committee of some kind will decide how much I can pay. ???

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I noticed the lady said, "if I agree" several times and sounded a tinge surprised that I said she could mail it to me. But now I am not so sure I should fill this out. Filling it out might constitute a written agreement to an unknown amount, you know?

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I cannot agree to give away the majority of my cushion money! For example, I have no eye coverage with Medicare. Leah just found out it will cost me $88.00 to get my eyes checked. I know I need new glasses and even if I keep my old frames, the lenses will be expensive--mine always are....*sigh* My cushion money goes for everything and anything above and beyond the regular monthly bills. :(

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I am going to have to mill on this. Wait and see what they ask on those forms when they arrive. Maybe look in the phone book for a free consultation with a lawyer? If I had known they didn't even consider all my monthly checks as payments and would sent the collection agency after me regardless...why would I have even bothered to pay them at all?! How insulting!

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But what can they do to me? Can they get an injunction and take the $130.00 a month if I don't fill out that paperwork? I need to find out what they can do to someone on social security disability. :(

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I already lost almost everything because of health issues: jobs...car...bankruptcy...schooling...mobility...and ended up here where they pee in the elevator (not that I don't love my apartment and being able to remain "independent"). I already have the federal government paperwork to fill out twice a year for the school loans I can't pay. And if the federal government decides they want their money...there's nothing I can do about them taking it out of my disability check since they changed the law several years ago. I looked it up online. They can decide to take 15% of my check whenever they want, I guess.

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Is it any wonder I have had a now-or-never mentality with my "disposable income" as they call anything beyond your regular bills. But if anything comes up (like eyedoctor, broken TV or computer, etc) that's my adaptable cushion money--even if sometimes it takes months to save up for whatever it is. The idea of that little cushion being gone and being that broke once again in my life is pretty depressing.

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[Note--not allowed to have much in savings to begin with. When I got my workman's comp settlement after all those years--I had something like 6 weeks to spend the "one-time income" and had to show them receipts for everything I purchased. Same when I got the back payment for the SSDI. Which is why I bought the laptop right away with the prize money. The only larger amount of money you're allowed to have is in a burial fund.]

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Granted--the last five years I have more left over than the 10-12 dollars Dagan and I had almost 30 years ago. I can cut back on food because it is just me and no small mouth to feed. Well, one small toothy mouth to feed. :) And I survived before, right?

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But I was younger and healthy. I could always find work, learned quickly, was strong, and knew I could change my future. There were multiple doors/pathways for an optimist, right? My options are much more limited now. I suppose I have to admit to myself--drastically limited. Fact. No amount of optimism can change some facts of your life.

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Okay--done venting. For now--hehe! I know there are a lot of people who have it much worse--and have no cushion whatsoever. (Been there--done that.) I have felt absolutely rich these past five years--safer. I realize a lot of that is because I don't own a car and never leave the house--hehe! I know I am just feeling sorry for myself. Hate the thought of worrying constantly about money again for essentials, you know? It will all work out. It always does.

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I apologize for being a downer. There are so many people suffering and losing the roofs over their heads these days. I am not responsible for a child anymore. Karma doesn't cost much. I am probably more upset because of the feeling of helplessness. Not being able to work to support yourself makes you feel vulnerable--and there's always that fear of becoming a burden to loved ones, you know?

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I am not looking for sympathy. It's my path. It's just how things work here. I've been very fortunate. Things could be worse. I know it is just the old "poverty" panic...the "fear of losing the roof over my head" panic grabbing me by the throat. I'll adjust and feel less stressed about it. Just need to hand it over, right? :)

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It will all be okay. It will all be okay.

The End.