Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Monday-1:30am

Since I have still been feeling a little queezy, I passed on making food tonight over at Dagan and Leah's. Dagan just brought me to Dr. John's and home. Dagan came up afterwards and got Leah's supplements to bring home, so I suppose she might start tomorrow? Dr. John says my back is looking so much better than it did. I think it is staying in alignment a bit better than it was at first, too. I told him about not getting much sleep and being sick to my stomach from the supplements--but that I do believe it will all balance out in a short while and my system will get used to them. I seem to be better the last couple nights now. Still a little queezy, but nothing like I was over the weekend. My body isn't used to all these good things at once--hehe! (Plus--I think all the years doctors kept giving me Ibuprofen for my arm really effected my stomach--have had problems ever since.)

Dagan and Leah rescheduled their insurance appointment for Wednesday, so I am not making up an appointment with Dr. John that night (from missing last Thursday) and we decided not to meet for painting again because we'd end up starting too late. Which is okay with me--I need to just get used to these pills and get some sleep. Dagan stayed up too late while Leah was gone (wonder where he got the night owl tendencies from--hehe!) and Leah is tired from the trip, of course. So we are all a bit draggy this week, anyways.

I had played around this weekend trying to switch myself from the night shift as long as I was having trouble sleeping--and that just made matters worse. I guess I should just live my natural nocturnal life and leave well enough alone. I've been a night person for as long as I can remember. Fighting it usually backfires on me, so I don't know why I keep trying to change it? I have to alter my hours for appointments and such, anyways, here and there. But not drastically. I try to keep all appointments in the afternoon or evening. :)

Tonight I finally watched Transamerica:

Bree (Felicity Huffman) gets the shock of her life when a week before her final sex change surgery she discovers a son she didn't know she had. After bailing him out of jail the two set out on a cross-country journey riddled with road bumps. Huffman won numerous awards (and an Oscar nomination) for her role as a man longing to be a woman. Elizabeth Pena, Burt Young, Kevin Zegers and Graham Greene co-star.

I really liked the movie. It is more about people trying to connect with each other and being true to who you are and/or discovering who you are--parenting, acceptance, feeling loved, denial, lies, respect, dreams--and all with a humorous undertone. I don't think Felicity Huffman won, but she was very good! Everybody was good!

Another beautiful day--windows still open wide. :) Soon my very favorite season will be upon us--fall! Dagan told me that the Vikings were going to start playing already! Summer is nearly over already.

Lately I've been thinking again about my health and the getting healthy/being cured thing. Dr. John is very positive about getting back my health--having a less painful life, anyways. Then the first part of my reading from the shaman came and he saw me totally healthy and healed--said that I had just decided to be healed, transcended all beliefs about illness, asked for help from the trees and my guides, and I just did it! That I have the power to heal myself.

He asked me if I had fears about being 100% healthy.

I do believe that I can make changes and see improvements. Do I believe that I can be 100% cured of all my ills? Can permanent muscle damage just go away? Osteoarthritis? Plantar fasciitis and heel spurs? Fibromyalgia? Honestly, I think if I will see progress with anything it will be the fibromyalgia--at least with the level of the pain and exhaustion. I have already learned how to lessen the severity with a calmer life, less stress, and not pushing myself--but also needing to move and stretch, too--finding a balance in the activity of my quiet life. When I've been feeling better for a while I get overconfident and believe I can do more--I have paid for that assumption--over and over again. Yet, I still find myself optimistic?!

If it is in my mind, then my mind should be able to control it. It has not worked that way for me. I tried very, very hard to believe that I could make it all go away--for several years while I was desperately trying to stay in college. It didn't work. If I have the ability to just cure myself--then I am a failure. If I just need to believe--then I guess I don't have enough faith.

Maybe I contracted to have this happen to me before I ever came to earth this time? Many things aren't always fixed easily down here. How do we know why we have what we have or why people suffer what they suffer? People suffer and die every day down here. Does that mean they all had the ability to just cure themselves if they really wanted to, if they had enough faith? If we bring illnesses upon ourselves, I accept that. Then I brought this upon myself. And there are reasons--spiritual reasons--for me to be experiencing all of this. I accept that. I am trying to learn all the positive things I can from this experience--from living with daily pain and depleting exhaustion.

What about people like my son--born with severe congenital heart defects? If he had enough faith is he supposed to be able to poof his heart into a normal heart? Where does one draw the line between the possible and the impossible? Or is there one? Maybe not to people like Jesus or God Himself. But to people like me--there are lines as to what I personally can and can't do. Does that mean I have not enough faith or belief? Is my mind and heart too small? Maybe so...

And I thought I have been a believer in miracles--an optimist--all my life? My son is a walking medical miracle. But that doesn't mean he was suddenly made whole with a perfect heart. I guess there's a part of me that resents being told I don't believe enough--just because I am grateful for what I am given in life, don't question why bad things happen, and accept the best that is possible within God's grace or the generosity of a positive Universe. That I do not believe that we are just our bodies--that they are only temporary--and our souls are much more important...

Fears? I spent years looking for a basically one-handed job with no schooling. And that was before all the other physical problems that have arrived since then. I could still stand, walk, climb stairs, sit at a computer all day, and all the rest. If I was suddenly healed--would I be healed of everything? Including that original bad arm? Would I go back to how I felt when I was 40, 30, 20? Would I be cured of only one or two things and not the rest? Anybody in their right mind would want to be healed and whole again! But would I want to go back to struggling to find a job and keep a job again--half healed? No. I'd be crazy to want to go back to that again after a long painful 13 year decline--bankruptcy, losing my car, not being able to support myself, having to quit school, fighting for SSDI...

This is why I don't talk about the health issues much. Focusing on them just makes it worse. It is like when you let yourself think about the pain or the exhaustion--focus on it--it gets magnified. I try to keep my focus off of it and push on, I guess. concentrate on the positives in my life--and there are many!

Why do people think I can heal myself? This very thing came between me and an old friend a few years ago. Who do they think I am?








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