Saturday-1:15pm--cogitation on my soul and GA

Thought I'd put some old pictures in--all the paste paper that Ann sent me that are now mostly cards. This was the first batch she sent for me to sample and see if I could use them.

Karma thought they made a good pillow--hehe!
I told Ann--Yes!! And she sent me the rest!

I went back to look at them because now I see them differently. I can pick out which big sheets I still have, which ones have been turned into sketch journals, and all the ones that are now on the front of cards. Kind of fun!

I worked a long time journaling about the Soul Coaching book yesterday. Finished the first lesson--tada! A lot of thinking and contemplation about who I am, my goals, who I want to become in this life. :)

My main goal has always been to work on becoming a better person--to work on my soul. I remember having my first "spiritual crisis" when I was five years old. I have not always done that well and I have been very slow to learn, but I have always picked myself up, dusted myself off, and gotten back on my path--eventually. I have had long lapses where daily life and survival were at the fore and my soul seemed to get pushed to the background. Times where I felt overwhelmed with negatives and world weariness--where I thought myself the fool for wasting time and effort on my sorry soul. But I am so glad I did not give up on myself--on life--on humanity. :)

From my first serious crisis of soul when I was five, I have been blessed with guidance (if I bothered to listen--hehe!). Didn't realize for many years that the "God-feeling" I had of somebody over my shoulder when I wrote (to ponder & wrestle with the whys of life from the age of nine)--that those words and the rare picture that would pop unbidden into my head--that the intense belief I have always had that if I offered myself up as a conduit that God could always use me to help calm people or animals in crisis--that I actually have a guardian angel (G.A. for short). He's been my conscience--my goading, loving, joking, nagging, compassionate, butt-kicking spiritual guide. GA has never given up on me.

Those of you who know me--you all are very familiar with GA and have heard all or many of my life stories. :) Feel free to skip over anything you've already heard--hehe! I am giving you fair warning--this feels like the year of my soul. I've been "getting" for some time that I should reveal more layers of myself--here--online. That is why I started the "cogitations". I have been happy and contented here these last four years. I was totally drained--exhausted--beaten down--world weary--when I moved here. Spent these last years readjusting to and accepting my new limited life. Searched out some "food for my soul" activities--painting, papermaking, cards, polymer clay--light reading, movies, chatting on paper to my friends. Just basking in the peace and calm--licking my wounds, so to speak. Learning how to cope with and accept the endless pain, a perpetually tired body, and the foggy brain.

But I reluctantly agree--I don't feel I have been doing as much as I could be as far as working on my soul. Not that I have totally neglected it--hehe! And not that I know why GA has been nagging me to be more open online--but it has never been in my best interests to ignore my "guidance". I have learned that the hard way--ROFL!! All of you who have heard my stories--you know I am more a one-on-one or very small intimate group storyteller. I've been trying to figure out who I can imagine myself writing to--in my head, you know--while I write my blog? And which stories do I tell? Maybe none of that matters. Maybe I could start as if anyone reading this already knows me?

Hey--I had to have somebody else read Soft Breaths for me in college at the public reading thingie! No way could I get up in front of the small auditorium!! And, besides, it makes me get all teary to read it out loud. I write close to my heart. And opening myself up online feels like standing in the front of an auditorium to me. So--be patient with me. Fear fuddles my thoughts. I can be empty and clear as a bell in a crisis--but this makes my insides shake. :):)

I have had a sore throat since last night. I wonder if that is some kind of fear manifestation--ROFL!!