Good morning.
Well, I don't know what to say about this week.
Some sad stuff...and shocking stuff.
But the world keeps spinning...
...and cats keep snoozing.
The yellow-headed blackbirds returned.
The skies kept promising rain but we saw little of it.
The partridge family returned 2-3 times a day.
They survived the Monday mowing at the apartment across the way and the Wednesday mowing at my building.
Annie has been thrilled to watch her CatTV...
...which is mostly grackles, yellow-headed blackbirds, orange-wing blackbirds, and a bunch of small birds I just call the sparrows because even if I can tell some apart I don't know the names.
Wednesday I had my CT scan and it went easier and quicker than I had thought it would.
Through the course of Thursday and Friday I found out I have a cancerous tumor in my bladder, a lesion of some kind on my liver, and a nodule in a lung. Dr. Kessler thinks the lung thing might be scarring from years ago when I smoked or when I got psittacosis in the 90s. She is guessing the liver lesion is not related to the cancer, but they need to know more. So I have an MRI scheduled for Friday the 16th of July and then an appointment with a specialist (urologist) on Monday the 19th. Then we'll know more and decisions will be made on what to do.
When you were expecting to hear about stones it was a bit shocking to hear cancer. And they know the tumor isn't benign because there were cancer cells in my urine sample. Kessler had asked them to check just to be sure. It's obviously the slow growing kind or I would be in awful shape by now since the first time I had blood in my urine was a year ago when the walk-in clinic doctors told me it was a UTI and sent me home with antibiotics...twice. So--very likely slow growing--and that's a good thing.
Meanwhile Leah came over Thursday night (our Craft Nite)--watered my plants for me and cooked me up some food I could nuke since I was kind of numb absorbing the new knowledge. We ordered up some better quality bird seed from Fleet Farm. I've been buying the cheapest kind I could get and they leave a lot of the milo seed right in the grass and won't eat it. They will eat it in the winter when they are desperate, but in the summer they can be pickier. I was loving seeing the family with the 7 or 8 babies several times a day. (Hard to count them because the babies sink into the grass and disappear--lol!)
Dagan came by on Friday. We talked about the cancer thing, too. I had adjusted a lot by then. He took out my trash for me. Phone calls were coming for making appointments and from Dr. Kessler's nurse and then Dr. Kessler.
The lone unattached partridge was brave enough to come up on the patio--behind the new scary planters--and look right in my patio door--lol! Caught her calmly leaving.
I took pictures of the planters now after a couple of weeks.
They've all taken hold.
I'm loving all the color!
The purple flowers that I've not had before and can't remember the name of...
...are really blooming like crazy!
Then...the sad thing on Thursday.
Only two babies left!
Here they had survived the huge riding mowers only to have something kill off half a dozen of them.
Then on Friday night I didn't see the babies following them when the parents were eating so I thought maybe there weren't any left at all. The parents looked scruffed up and stressed.
But on Saturday--one baby!
There was one baby left!
I was thrilled to see it.
But by Sunday...none.
The parents look like they had tried valiantly to save their last baby.
Disheveled and starving. Not their normal sleek selves...
...and they weren't chasing all the other birds away as they ate to protect any babies anymore.
Then, just to top off a disconcerting week...in our weekly newsletter from the office they said no candles allowed in our apartments. Maybe somebody started a fire? I've been burning candles--especially in the winter--ever since I moved here. I only use candles in jars or votive candles in holders. I suppose that is a first world annoyance and a small thing, comparatively--lol! But it is still annoying.
So, it was quite a week.
A lot to think about.
I always go through the worst case scenario right off the bat...which I did, of course. I am not afraid of dying and have always lived reminding myself that this day could be your last. So I have always tried to be the best human I could manage to be and to take all decisons, large and small, seriously so I wouldn't have regrets later. I have tried to truly own and learn from my many mistakes, even if it has sometimes taken me years and I still have much to learn. Honestly, I am always ready to go.
Leah knows where almost everything is in my home and she and the boys and Dagan would be able to choose what they want to keep, get rid of, donate, or sell...and have tons of art and craft supplies to pick from. They know I won't care if they get rid of things that are only treasures to me and not them--LOL! [Like it went through my mind and made me laugh..."Oh, no! When I've just stockpiled on writng paper, stationery, envelopes, pens and inks enough to last me years!" LOL! I do have a dark and quite ironic sense of humor, folks.]
I would greatly miss McFamily and not seeing the boys grow into men...but I also know they they are a strong family I am so proud of and they would be fine. I never even thought I would have grandkids...and even shy Liam runs to hug me now so might retain some vague positive memories.
That was it--worse case scenario. Faced. Closely examined. And I am okay with it. Do not plan to leave and do not look forward to additonal pain (inevitable to some degree or another)...but, deep down, I'm always ready to go. Life is random and chaotic...precious and holy. I will just treasure all the good things--as I've always tried to do. So then I can just basically file that away and deal with it when the time comes--whenever it comes. (Hopefully when I'm in my 90s.)
That is how I have always dealt with life and with crises when they come up. Like when Dagan was a baby and they told me he would likely die--soon...I did the same thing. I went through worst case scenario with open eyes--and then I moved that to the back burner and focused on today. Plenty of time to deal with bad stuff when it gets here, right? Appreciate today...live well today...and think positive. I think of myself as a realistic optimist.
And Dagan is a 47 year old daddy with a good computer job and a wife I adore. One never knows how their own random chaotic life will go. But what a gift.
Don't worry. I am doing okay. More nervous about making the actual appointments due to my other health issues. I'm glad an MRI is also non-invasive--that's a big plus in my book. I have a follow-up CTScan on my lung in September to see if the lung thingie has grown at all. Unless bladder cancer has spread elsewhere in the body the chances are really good you will survive it. We'll know more later in July.
Meanwhile, I'm feeding the birds the new seed Leah dropped off and they are loving it! Even got some dried up mealworms for them--LOL! Been able to have the patio door open for the better part of the day recently so Annie and I are glad to watch and hear the birds scrapping over the new seed. (I realy do miss the babies, though.) Been binge-watching Wire In The Blood. Quite dark, but fascinating. My right thumb has been bad. Hands are generally painful, but the thumb can get shooting pains. So far, hasn't been too bad today for typing this--whoohoo! I thought I'd be working on this all day long with many breaks and it's only been three hours. Nice!
Funny how when some body part/parts get better others get worse. Back has been better and hands are worse. Kind of shifts about.
Warning--lol! Don't be surprised if I wax philosophically about life here and there for a bit. Welcome any conversation or comments on how you deal with big, unexpected shifts. So many of us have lost jobs, homes, marriages, loved ones...suffered that random chaos on our pathes. Do you feel you are basically ready to go right now? Or does the thought terrify you? Have you ever had a near death experience? How about an out of body experience? Do you have big things you feel you need to deal with or fix yet? Everyone is so different. Death is harder on the people left behind, I think. Especially when it is sudden. It is harder for many of us to see people we love suffering than ourselves, don't you think?
So many big things can happen to us. Do you look at worse case scenarios with your heart and eyes wide open...do you pick the quickest alternative for a solution...or are you one who wants to close your eyes and hope it goes away? I think we all have felt a great affinity to the ostrich at times--LOL! (Not sure where that saying came from because they run like hell.) We are as unique as snowflakes, aren't we.
Anyways, life is good. I am free of appointments until the eyedoctor on Friday...when we check the progress of my wonky eye--LOL! I shall have a good week. Make yours a really good week, too. Till next time...
[Ran across the quote for today this week.
Could use this as a mantra right now--LOL!]
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"When the root is deep, there is no reason to fear the wind."
African proverb
