Monday, June 28, 2021

June 28, 2021 Monday--11:30am

Good morning.

Well, I don't know what to say about this week.

Some sad stuff...and shocking stuff.

But the world keeps spinning... 

...and cats keep snoozing.
The yellow-headed blackbirds returned.
The skies kept promising rain but we saw little of it.
The partridge family returned 2-3 times a day.
They survived the Monday mowing at the apartment across the way and the Wednesday mowing at my building.
Annie has been thrilled to watch her CatTV...
...which is mostly grackles, yellow-headed blackbirds, orange-wing blackbirds, and a bunch of small birds I just call the sparrows because even if I can tell some apart I don't know the names.
Wednesday I had my CT scan and it went easier and quicker than I had thought it would.
Through the course of Thursday and Friday I found out I have a cancerous tumor in my bladder, a lesion of some kind on my liver, and a nodule in a lung.  Dr. Kessler thinks the lung thing might be scarring from years ago when I smoked or when I got psittacosis in the 90s.  She is guessing the liver lesion is not related to the cancer, but they need to know more.  So I have an MRI scheduled for Friday the 16th of July and then an appointment with a specialist (urologist) on Monday the 19th.  Then we'll know more and decisions will be made on what to do.

When you were expecting to hear about stones it was a bit shocking to hear cancer.  And they know the tumor isn't benign because there were cancer cells in my urine sample.  Kessler had asked them to check just to be sure.  It's obviously the slow growing kind or I would be in awful shape by now since the first time I had blood in my urine was a year ago when the walk-in clinic doctors told me it was a UTI and sent me home with antibiotics...twice.  So--very likely slow growing--and that's a good thing.

Meanwhile Leah came over Thursday night (our Craft Nite)--watered my plants for me and cooked me up some food I could nuke since I was kind of numb absorbing the new knowledge.  We ordered up some better quality bird seed from Fleet Farm.  I've been buying the cheapest kind I could get and they leave a lot of the milo seed right in the grass and won't eat it.  They will eat it in the winter when they are desperate, but in the summer they can be pickier.  I was loving seeing the family with the 7 or 8 babies several times a day.  (Hard to count them because the babies sink into the grass and disappear--lol!)
Dagan came by on Friday.  We talked about the cancer thing, too.  I had adjusted a lot by then.  He took out my trash for me.  Phone calls were coming for making appointments and from Dr. Kessler's nurse and then Dr. Kessler. 
The lone unattached partridge was brave enough to come up on the patio--behind the new scary planters--and look right in my patio door--lol!  Caught her calmly leaving.
I took pictures of the planters now after a couple of weeks.
They've all taken hold.
I'm loving all the color!

The purple flowers that I've not had before and can't remember the name of...
...are really blooming like crazy!
Then...the sad thing on Thursday.
Only two babies left!  
Here they had survived the huge riding mowers only to have something kill off half a dozen of them.  

Then on Friday night I didn't see the babies following them when the parents were eating so I thought maybe there weren't any left at all.  The parents looked scruffed up and stressed.

But on Saturday--one baby!  
There was one baby left!  
I was thrilled to see it.
But by Sunday...none.
The parents look like they had tried valiantly to save their last baby.
Disheveled and starving.  Not their normal sleek selves... 
...and they weren't chasing all the other birds away as they ate to protect any babies anymore.
Then, just to top off a disconcerting week...in our weekly newsletter from the office they said no candles allowed in our apartments.  Maybe somebody started a fire?  I've been burning candles--especially in the winter--ever since I moved here.  I only use candles in jars or votive candles in holders.  I suppose that is a first world annoyance and a small thing, comparatively--lol!  But it is still annoying.

So, it was quite a week.

A lot to think about.

I always go through the worst case scenario right off the bat...which I did, of course.  I am not afraid of dying and have always lived reminding myself that this day could be your last.  So I have always tried to be the best human I could manage to be and to take all decisons, large and small, seriously so I wouldn't have regrets later.  I have tried to truly own and learn from my many mistakes, even if it has sometimes taken me years and I still have much to learn.  Honestly, I am always ready to go.  

Leah knows where almost everything is in my home and she and the boys and Dagan would be able to choose what they want to keep, get rid of, donate, or sell...and have tons of art and craft supplies to pick from.  They know I won't care if they get rid of things that are only treasures to me and not them--LOL!  [Like it went through my mind and made me laugh..."Oh, no! When I've just stockpiled on writng paper, stationery, envelopes, pens and inks enough to last me years!"  LOL!  I do have a dark and quite ironic sense of humor, folks.] 

I would greatly miss McFamily and not seeing the boys grow into men...but I also know they they are a strong family I am so proud of and they would be fine.  I never even thought I would have grandkids...and even shy Liam runs to hug me now so might retain some vague positive memories.

That was it--worse case scenario.  Faced.  Closely examined.  And I am okay with it.  Do not plan to leave and do not look forward to additonal pain (inevitable to some degree or another)...but, deep down, I'm always ready to go.  Life is random and chaotic...precious and holy.  I will just treasure all the good things--as I've always tried to do.  So then I can just basically file that away and deal with it when the time comes--whenever it comes.  (Hopefully when I'm in my 90s.)

That is how I have always dealt with life and with crises when they come up.  Like when Dagan was a baby and they told me he would likely die--soon...I did the same thing.  I went through worst case scenario with open eyes--and then I moved that to the back burner and focused on today.  Plenty of time to deal with bad stuff when it gets here, right?  Appreciate today...live well today...and think positive.  I think of myself as a realistic optimist. 

And Dagan is a 47 year old daddy with a good computer job and a wife I adore.  One never knows how their own random chaotic life will go.  But what a gift.

Don't worry. I am doing okay.  More nervous about making the actual appointments due to my other health issues.  I'm glad an MRI is also non-invasive--that's a big plus in my book.  I have a follow-up CTScan on my lung in September to see if the lung thingie has grown at all.  Unless bladder cancer has spread elsewhere in the body the chances are really good you will survive it.  We'll know more later in July.

Meanwhile, I'm feeding the birds the new seed Leah dropped off and they are loving it!  Even got some dried up mealworms for them--LOL!  Been able to have the patio door open for the better part of the day recently so Annie and I are glad to watch and hear the birds scrapping over the new seed.  (I realy do miss the babies, though.)  Been binge-watching Wire In The Blood.  Quite dark, but fascinating.  My right thumb has been bad.  Hands are generally painful, but the thumb can get shooting pains.  So far, hasn't been too bad today for typing this--whoohoo!  I thought I'd be working on this all day long with many breaks and it's only been three hours.  Nice!  

Funny how when some body part/parts get better others get worse.  Back has been better and hands are worse.  Kind of shifts about. 

Warning--lol!  Don't be surprised if I wax philosophically about life here and there for a bit.  Welcome any conversation or comments on how you deal with big, unexpected shifts.  So many of us have lost jobs, homes, marriages, loved ones...suffered that random chaos on our pathes.  Do you feel you are basically ready to go right now?  Or does the thought terrify you?  Have you ever had a near death experience?  How about an out of body experience?  Do you have big things you feel you need to deal with or fix yet?  Everyone is so different.  Death is harder on the people left behind, I think.  Especially when it is sudden.  It is harder for many of us to see people we love suffering than ourselves, don't you think?

So many big things can happen to us.  Do you look at worse case scenarios with your heart and eyes wide open...do you pick the quickest alternative for a solution...or are you one who wants to close your eyes and hope it goes away?  I think we all have felt a great affinity to the ostrich at times--LOL!  (Not sure where that saying came from because they run like hell.)  We are as unique as snowflakes, aren't we.

Anyways, life is good.  I am free of appointments until the eyedoctor on Friday...when we check the progress of my wonky eye--LOL!  I shall have a good week.  Make yours a really good week, too.  Till next time...  

[Ran across the quote for today this week.  
Could use this as a mantra right now--LOL!]  

****
"When the root is deep, there is no reason to fear the wind."
African proverb

33 comments:

Rita said...

Blogger will not keep all my font the same. I tried and tried. No longer have spell check, either, so there are mistakes--oh well. At least I got everything centered. :)

Janie Junebug said...

The font problem with Blogger is annoying. Do you know what you're going to do about posts not being emailed anymore? I can always send you a link to my blog. I once had a gallbladder infection and was in horrible pain. It occurred to me that I might die. This was when David was about 18 months old. I heard a voice say that I wasn't going to die because I had to raise him. I've always thought of it as the voice of God. I've thought for a long time that I'm ready to go, but during the attack I wasn't ready--didn't want to die that way. Sad about the babies. You are always very realistic. Letter on the way. You know you have my love.

Love,
Janie

Deb said...

Hi Rita. Somber news for sure. You will be in my prayers for sure. Please keep me updated. I have been reading your blog for a long time and feel like you are a friend. Sending you love.
Your friend, Deb

Serena Lewis said...

Not good news to get, that's for sure. My advice is to keep a positive mindset and focus on the fact that bladder cancer can be survivable if caught early enough. I will write more by letter. Hang in there, my friend.

Sad news about the partridge babies. Hawks? I know that even crows and butcher birds will steal the babies from other birds. You sound like how I get when the Plovers have their babies. I can get quite stressed worrying about them.

Love and hugs,
Serena x

David M. Gascoigne, said...

Hello Rita: I think the purple flowers are Petunias, and they look terrific. It is very sad fo hear of your diagnosis of cancer, but it seems that you have the determination to face it with equanimity and accept the outcome, whatever that might be. May I wish you well and express my hope that everything takes a turn for the better. I have no doubt that every reader of your blog joins me in this. With my very best wishes. David

Far Side of Fifty said...

Hey, That is scary news for sure. I wish you did not have to wait so long for the MRI and results. My Dad is a Bladder Cancer survivor he had his bladder removed in 1986. I am hearing more people with Bladder Cancer now a days I have a blog reader Diane that had her bladder removed about 18 months ag
o and is doing ok. Sure hope you get it all figured out.
You have a good attitude and sometimes Attitude is everything.
I will be praying for you.
I am not afraid either...I figure I have more important stuff to worry about!
Keep your chin up!!

Bonnie said...

Oh Rita, how frightening that news must have been. Cancer is the one word that scares me more than anything after losing both my Mother and one brother to it when they each were in their early 60's. Then a few months ago my other brother was diagnosed with it and I found out I have a high risk for colon cancer. It does shock and numb you but then you realize life goes on and you look at the situation and figure out what is the best way to handle it.

I do know so many cancers are dealt with successfully these days with a full recovery. I have a friend that was diagnosed with bladder cancer last year and she is doing amazingly well now. Your positive attitude and good outlook on life will help you so much! I know you don't like those doctor's appointments, but this is a time when you should get them all in as soon as you can because the sooner you get this taken care of the sooner you will be past it all and healthy!

Your planters are absolutely gorgeous! They have filled in so well and must be quite enjoyable for you. I am keeping you in my prayers and I feel like this is something you will beat and feel even better once you are past it! Many hugs and good thoughts for you!

diane in northern wis said...

Hi Rita, I just want to give you a little moral support, regarding your Bladder Cancer diagnosis. I was diagnosed with Bladder Cancer in May of 2019. After a couple of surgeries and chemo, I am doing well today. May things go very well for you....that's what I will pray for. God Bless You.

Bleubeard and Elizabeth said...

Wax poetic all you want. We are here to listen and support you in any way we can. You are definitely not alone in this fight. We are right there with you, dear.

On a different note, your plants are doing quite well. The planters look beautiful. Have a super week, dear and don't stress too much, please.

DJan said...

I am so, so sorry to hear about the cancer diagnosis. I also think you are handling it very well and am so glad you have McFamily close by during this time. I know you will give it all you have, and you have plenty of people who love you. I'm one.

Anvilcloud said...

Ah. Sorry about the birds and about your health report. Fingers crossed for best acre and results in the near future.

Thanks for posting about Wire in the Blood. We have watched most of it by now. A lot was bizarre, especially in the later episodes, but it was interesting too. It made more a good 10 days watching. We generally watch an episode at noon and one at supper. Sometimes one in the evening too depending on things.

Jo-Anne's Ramblings said...

No one wants to hear the word cancer from their doctor it is a scary word. Try and stay positive, focus on the positive as much as possible.

Lady Fi said...

So sorry to hear about your cancer. I hope you can get some treatment to stop or slow it down.

Lovely shots.

DVArtist said...

It's a scary thing to hear the C word. I am sending healing energy your way. Please keep us updated. Your photos are lovely.

Joyce F said...

Sorry to hear about your diagnosis. Attitude has a lot to do with how well things go for a cancer patient and I know you have the right attitude. Live life to the fullest

Divers and Sundry said...

That diagnosis is a shock, and I'm pleased to hear it's slow-growing. Such a shame about the babies. I wonder what got them. Your flowers are looking great! There are battery-operated candles that have flickery flames, so something like that might be a decent substitute.

I like to think I'm ready, but you never know 'til it happens to you. It sounds like you're centered and ready for what the day brings. I trust a treatment plan will set you right.

Beatrice P. Boyd said...

My friend, Rita, from the ominous opening lines to this post, I rather knew there would be unpleasant news to follow. Admittedly, I was hoping it did not involve you personally and I will confess that such a wave of sadness overtook me as I continued reading. Of course, I know you would not want pity and did not post it for any. What I have is so much admiration for you and your courage. Having been knocked for a loop you have regrouped and ready to face whatever the future holds. I hope it brings you some measure of comfort to know that you have fellow blogger friends who will be in your corner all the way. Another blogger said it best...attitude and outlook are everything. Stay positive as we will too.

jinxxxygirl said...

Rita,

I popped in here to see how you were doing and what you were up to. Getting ready to write you a snail mail letter. What a shock to read your post. Life is a funny old thing with a terrible sense of humor. I'm here for you my friend. As much as i can be from so far away. I'am definitely an ostrich who doesn't go looking for trouble often to my own detriment. Much love, deb

My name is Erika. said...

Sending good thoughts your way Rita. Hoping that the positive energy helps and gives you some good news.

Bindu said...

When you are okay with the worst case scenario, things will be better. You are such a brave person. My prayers.

acorn hollow said...

Sending good strong energy
cathy

Bijoux said...

Hello, Rita. I’m visiting from Beatrice Boyd’s blog. I’m so sorry to read your news. I’ve been going through CT scans for an obstructing stone, and it’s nerve wrecking when the radiologist report details other organ issues. I just said a prayer for you for strength and healing. I know the waiting around is the hardest part. ❤️

Jeanie said...

I come from Dorothy's Frog/Penguin to add support and healing wishes to you. That's a shock, that diagnosis but you appear to have a wonderful way of looking at things and I applaud that. All the best to you. ~ jeanie from Marmelade Gypsy

Billy Blue Eyes said...

Stay positive and you will come through

CrystalChick said...

Hello Rita, I'm visiting you via The Frog and PenguINN. Sending you a great big blogger hug and good thoughts that how things turn out are much better than your worst case scenarios. I do that too though, so really understand. It's like I want to get ready, prepare for the inevitable (so to not have our children have to clean out a whole house like we had to do with my husband's parents after they went into assisted living... whew, that was a huge project) and just make wills or notes for certain things to go here or there. But then maybe I think if I do all those things then I'll be ready to go. So I don't, and I'm not.
I wonder if your craft stash is as big as mine.... oh, I've got some stuff crammed into a small bedroom! lol
From just a bit of reading here, it certainly seems like you are working thru this situation with braveness and a good attitude. Those are great things!

No candles... oh, that would be hard for me. I do love them.
I'll come back again soon and read a bit more. I'm in and out of blogland but do try to update and visit as I can.
Have a good weekend. ~Mary

pearshapedcrafting said...

First of all I love the quote - very apt considering your positive attitude. Of course you bought that stationery with good intentions and I hope that your optimism helps you get to use it for the time you planned! It's a bummer situation though and you are going to have to go through all sorts to get it sorted. I'm with you on what will be will be - I have to sort out my messy craft room as I would hate that someone had to do that! I have asked two friends though, who hubby or sons will contact to clear it out and make sure that everything goes to someone who will use it!!! Not morbid - just being realistic!
On another note - we have had a candle ban for years - I do light the odd one in a jar but away from the smoke alarm - I think the heat or the smoke when it's blow out can set off the alarm!
Planters are looking great!
Do take care and be as philosophical all you like!! Hugs, Chrisx

Edna B said...

I'm sending hugs and prayers your way. Life can be sucky, but it is also beautiful. I like your positive attitude. Every day is a gift. I'm hoping we both get to see 90. You have a super weekend, hugs, Edna B.

Nil @ The Little House by the Lake said...

Hi Rita, I read about you on Beatrice’s blog.
Sending you lots of positive energy and virtual hugs.

baili said...

when i was eighteen i learnt that i can have stomach ulcer but in age like that i did not care and it developed fairly throughout the years after my marriage when i was thirty plus ,i suffered with terrible pains and each time it felt like i was like i won't survive ,but i did after diagnose and treatment for three years i still take few medicine to avoid further damage and keep pain away .i take lots of care about my what i eat .
my husband also survived from Hepatitis ,cure was long and painful but it ended finally with the grace of lord!
later when i went through studies i learnt main thing how we get sick and how we come out of it my friend.
our brain plays most important roll,the way we think and the way we feel makes our life easy or miserable .
this learning revolutionized my way of thinking ,i am meditating since more than 14 years and light exercise or walk daily .faith that all will be fine and finding joy in present moment is best way of life .
you are beautiful and lovely person and i can see through your words that you will do completely fine and see your grandchildren and play with them just stay Positive and have faith no matter what ,all is test and it will be vanish away with the strength of your faith!
hugs!

Stevenson Q said...

Hello Rita! Sending you positive energy all the way from the Philippines! Visiting from Beatrice's place, stay safe!

Rajani Rehana said...

Mind blowing post

Laurel Wood said...

Thinking of you and praying for you during these trying days. 💞 Mildred

Harvest Moon by Hand said...

I've only seen one yellow-headed blackbird in my life. That's so cool that that you are able to see them more often there. I am shocked and saddened to read the news that you are having to deal with cancer. Your attitude towards life and facing this news is so inspiring! You have such a healthy view about it, and will strongly face anything that comes your way!