Monday, May 16, 2022

May 16, 2022 Monday--1:30pm

Good afternoon!

I have lots of pictures today!

Thought I would take before pics of the patio.

The grass is green and it has been warm enough to qualify for spring.
Tuesday
Dagan had been more exposed than since the pandemic started.  On Wednesday last week he had a meeting/meal with the big wigs because of his new position...and no one wore masks, of course.  So, to be on the safe side we postponed everything a week (Leah and my Craft Nite on Thursday and doing my patio on Saturday).

Wednesday
I know it is hard to tell and I forgot to take pics in progress but I worked on bookcards.  The covers we had cut previously I folded and paired up with the signatures...
...and I folded more signatures with this watercolor-y paper I ordered...must have been last year.
So, I am finally back to doing a little something with my next batch of bookcards!

Annie wanted to be up next to me but can't jump that high anymore.  She let me pick her up and put her in her spot with her memory foam cat bed.  :)
She's been jumping up regularly on to the footrest on my chair, though, this past week!!  A little less appetite, but otherwise seems like she's doing well and is happy.

I also set up letters ready to go (10) and did laundry.  Lately it is easier for me to do smaller loads more often and I am down with that.

Thursday
Katie came to clean.  Nice to have such good news to share with her.

The stamps came for card making.  A couple of line-drawing type bird stamp sets.
About 5:30pm there were suddenly masses of people running and jogging down the sidewalk--most of them kids.  They were doing some kind of marathon--had numbers and headbands.  Mother's with strollers.  A girl in a wheelchair with a broken leg being pushed.  Dog companions--who loved the running and the crowds.  I've never seen so many people on that walkway!  They ran from right to left and I could hear a crowd clapping and cheering somewhere off in the distance.  But then they all came back going from left to right...very few still running, some determinedly jogging, and many too tired and just walking.  So a lady went by with some kind of big bells around her ankles clanking away.  Sounded like she stopped at the end of the sidewalk and just took them off and clanked them endlessly to motivate the runners--either that or she was running in place for 15 minutes!  (Cow bells?)

Later that night we had our first tornado watch of the year.  Nothing here but some rain.  I'm not sure there were any tornados that touched down anywhere.  Between the runners, bells, and thunder...I didn't see Anne all night--LOL!

Friday
Leah went plant shopping with a girlfriend.  Sent me pics and got all my plants for the patio!!  We changed plans again--decided that if McFamily stayed outside and I stayed inside they could come and fix up the patio for me on Saturday!!!  Wonderful!

My big purchase this month arrived...a hepa air filter.  Figure it can't hurt and might even help with my chronic sinus.  I'll appreciate it more come winter, I'm sure.
That was a project for me.  Moving out one side of Grandpa's desk and back so I could plug it in.  Good place for it--centrally located.
No, I haven't even turned it on yet.  Haven't read the manual and it has been so nice out that I have had the patio door wide open all day every day it hasn't rained.  Been in the 60s and even hit 72 one day I saw.  Been gorgeous out there!

Saturday
So exciting!!  Lots of pictures!!
They moved back to let me decide where the pots would go.  The boys handed me the pots.  I took some quick before pics.
The little marigold plants were just filling in here and there so they waited on one of the little tables.
Dagan made trips to the garage and went around the building so he never came inside.  He brought the bags of dirt, fertilizer, my patio chair, pot with the hose in, and the bird water dish.  He also planted.
Ian and Liam did a lot of finger-stirring in fertilizer and then planting.

That lonely guy from our building showed up and tried to give the boys candy again.  No thank you.  He hung around for quite a while.
Leah did a lot of planting and overseeing the boys.
Then everybody took turns soaking the planters.
Dagan sprayed off the chair and tables.
The boys were getting restless.  Eventually they ran down the sidewalk to the big cottonwood tree and back a couple of times.
Leah started spraying the entire patio plus patio door and screen.
All done!
I wanted pictures of all of them so I went out quick.  I do enjoy the candid shots the best, I think.  ;)
Family shot.
Liam wanted them all to jump--so they did.
Funny how they race over to see themselves jumping.  Kids are growing up in such a different world in so many little ways like that.  Just being able to take a picture and see it instantly on a phone!  What a world.  But to them this is normal, you know?

Anyways, the newly cleaned and potted patio!

You might notice on the front planter on the far left there's a coleus that has fallen over.  I tried to put it upright and pack some dirt around the base to hold it up--but it felt broken.  
Maybe too hard of water spraying or something.  But it is the only plant that didn't fare well.

After they left Annie came out to inspect the patio.
I sent Leah a picture of the poor coleus.
Here's the matching one in the opposite planter.  (I have three different pairs of coleus.)  
Leah said she has to go back to Baker Nursery for some things so she could pick up another one for me if this one doesn't make it.

Sunday
  I think it is a goner.
Totally collapsed.  :(
I was so tired again that after McFamily left about 2pm...I was asleep by 3pm and didn't wake up till 7pm!  Another marathon nap.  No wonder my hours are messed up--LOL!  But I am sure getting sleep so I can't complain.

Today
I already got my JetPens order.  The pens are uni-ball one gels.  I'm really liking how smoothly they write.  I got a "new colors" set of three (I have the original colored set) and a couple more of the ones I have been using a lot (blue and blue-black).  Yes, I am a pen junkie!!
This is a Lamy cursive nib!  A brand new type of nib for them.  Can hardly wait to try it out.
But these!
OMG!  The smallest post-it type notepads I have ever seen!!  Look how tiny they are!
They just make me smile when I look at them!

Anyways, that's about it.  I watched the rest of the new season of Billions.  Been renting Netflix DVDs of Inspector Lewis.  Have now started the final season of Ozark and when I need a break from the heaviness I watch some of Death in Paradise.  (I know doesn't sound lighter but it is--LOL!)  I've been writing letters...got half of them sent off.  Beautiful, quiet days--except for the unexpected hundreds of marathon runners--LOL!  

If nobody gets sick, Leah and I plan a Craft Nite on Thursday.  Otherwise I only plan to try to get more letters written, to make cards, and to sit out on my patio!  Have a fabulous week!!  :)  

Tuesday, May 10, 2022

May 10, 2022 Tuesday--noon

 Whoohoo!  

I have good news to share this week!  I'll make it short and sweet.  ;)  

First of all I did the coconut oil and Band-Aid treatment and my finger was all better in two days!

Dagan took a few days off last week (he has accumulated so many he needs to use some, I guess) so he brought me to my appointment again last Thursday.  My port was acting up.  She tried to flush it four times but it wouldn't work.  Had to shoot some heparin in there and leave it for half an hour.  Which meant they sent someone down from the lab to draw my blood for the tests.  We were thinking--oh no!  This isn't a good sign.  

But--tada!  This time my ANC number went from the .7 to 1.3 and I was finally close enough to be able to get my infusion!  And after the heprin treatment the port worked fine.  Whew!

The not so good news was that the only doctor there at all for my next visit in three weeks is Dr. Kobrossy.  Since he's the only full-time oncologist it was bound to happen at some point...but I am not looking forward to it.  And I plan to more or less demand he keep his (blankety-blank) mask on. 

Dagan came in afterwards to do the helper tasks (trash, vacuum, spot bot, water plants, etc).  But this time he swept up the accumulated seed shells since we had snow again a few times.  I have not put out any seed on the patio since then.  I want my patio back for the summer--LOL!  (If I do put any out I will toss it out on the grass.)  Dagan and I had another nice visit--albeit with masks on--LOL!

This whole cancer adventure has been such a total roller coaster ride, as you all know.  I was so thoroughly exhausted that after Dagan left I took a "nap"...for 5 1/2 hours!  Still slept 7 1/2 hours that night, too.  I think it all wears on me more than I ever think it does, you know? 

I had a pajama weekend, believe me!

Yesterday...CTscan.

I suggested to Leah that since it usually doesn't take long and she just has to sit in the waiting room at the hospital that she could just wait in the car.  Less exposure for her, you know?  She agreed...and it was busy.  Always busier at the hospital, it seems.  I was in and out pretty quickly, though.  I know the routine and dress with no metal whatsoever so I can just jump straight on the table.  

Leah came in afterwards when I got home.  We went through my vitamins and supplements.  (She knows more than I do on that score and maybe they have been helping, right?).  I had a list of questions and things to chat about.  Hadn't seen her for so long!  :) :)

Oh, and BTW--was me that didn't want Leah cooking for me after I had started to feel better.  Like I have said, I usually think I am doing better than I am or can handle more than I actually can.  I have truly learned this about myself going through all of this--LOL!  But--on the other hand--the optimism keeps me going.  Even when it is probably ridiculous sometimes.  Like I just ordered a couple of stamps to use making cards...for when I am better.  Even if I haven't been feeling well enough to work on anything much for all this time since I was diagnosed last June...and I probably wouldn't have finished the first set of bookcards even yet if Leah hadn't helped me with them...watching the Wanderlust videos every week and ordering a little something here and there for when I am better...makes life feel more normal, you know?  I will be working on bookcards again...and other cards.  I will get out my art stuff to play again.  I just know I will.  :) :)

AND--

drumroll!!!

--the results of the CTscan online:  

The 1.2cm tumor has shrunk to .8cm.

The 8mm tumor has shrunk to 4mm.

No other signs of cancer anywhere.

TaDa!!

I was so happy I couldn't sleep last night till almost 4am--ROFL!  Just so grateful for everything and everybody...and so very glad to have so much good news this week.  Finger better, got my infusion, and tumors are still shrinking!  (I am happy dancing in my mind right now--LOL!)

Oh! Oh!  And how could I forget Miss Annie!  She's been doing a little better!  She's even started jumping up on my chair via the footrest now fairly regularly.  Nothing beats finding a purring cat sleeping with you in the middle of the night.

Oh, and I also forgot to show you my Mother's Day card.  This year Ian and Liam made them.  Mine was made by Liam...and has he ever improved on writing his name and drawing since last year!


McFamily all signed it.


Leah wrote who made the card on the back.


I do miss those little guys!

Well, Katie asked to switch to Thursday afternoon to come to clean and I am just as glad to have a quiet day of rest today anyways.  So that change worked out just fine.  Nice!

It has suddenly gotten so warm that I need to finish going through winter clothes for donations (many of them are too big now since I've lost 40 pounds) and get the summer clothes bins in from the garage.  It is 68F (20C) right now!  Crazy for early May.  I need to get my chair back out on the patio for the summer--soon!  Won't be long and we'll be planting flowers.  Leah and I discussed the plan for the planters when she was here.  Fun!  :)

That's it.  About as short and sweet as I get--LOL! 
Happy-dancing, grateful thoughts from Fargo.
Till next week...

Monday, May 02, 2022

May 2, 2022 Monday--11:45am

Good Morning!

Monday

I did that load of laundry and baked some fish.  Dagan came over after work and we managed to get what I needed for Federal Housing all printed off but the printer is not fixed.  Kept going offline for some reason...even right in the middle of a job.  Made no sense and Dagan could not figure out why it was doing that.  So as a last resort Dagan updated me to Windows 11, I believe it was.  They've been pestering me to do that for months.  Who knows if that will help or not, but I managed to print something since...once...so we will find out.   

Tuesday

Leah dropped off a few groceries from Cashwise pickup.

Wednesday

On the way to the mailbox I ran into the maintenance man in the hallway and told him I hadn't even called yet but the washer was still leaking.  Wasn't making the terrible loud noise it had been when spinning, though.  So he stopped by late in the afternoon and it was a loose hose.

Thursday

Total pajama day.  Started to watch Ozark.

Friday

Dagan took me to the clinic again.  Was a day of mistakes.  

First had the port set up and blood drawn.  No doctor visit because just a yes or no for the infusion--so we went back out to the waiting room.  David (nurse) came to get us to take us back.  We found an infusion cubby and David said the bloodwork was fine.  What a relief!  But then a lady from the pharmacy came down to tell him--no--the numbers are too low.  Turns out David had been looking at the wrong absolute result!

There are five absolutes they test for: Neutrophils, Lymphocyts, Monocytes, Eosinophils, and Basophils.  My one that is below normal is the Neutrophils or ANC (absolute neutrophils count).  Supposed to be minimum of 1.5 (not sure what they measure).  When I almost wasn't able to get my infusion it was 1.2--but they let me get it anyways.  Three weeks later it was .8 and now a week after that it was .7.  David had been looking at the Lymphocyts--which is my only absolute that is in normal range.  The last three are right on the minimum line.  Nothing I wanted to know about in my lifetime--LOL!

Anyways, the neutrophils have something to do with the white blood cells ability to fight off infection/bacteria.  (I searched online to find out what the heck it was.)  If it gets low enough it's called Neutropenia.  Below .5 is what I saw as dangerous--where you can lose your ability to fight off the natural bacteria in your body--such as in your mouth and digestive system.  So you can get mouth sores or diarrhea and worse.

One of my sweet pen pals (Joyce B) emailed me earlier in the week to tell me she'd looked up what could help raise the ANC numbers--vitamin C, E, B12, and omega-3s for example.  I also went online to research that and also how to improve immunity in general.  So, since last Wednesday I think it was, I am taking some extra vitamins and supplements.  Can't hurt!

Anyways, made an appointment for yet another Friday, cancelled the follow-up one in 3 weeks, and headed to my place.  Dagan helped with trash and a really awful job that is a pain in the patoot--cleaning blood out of the bottom of the frig that leaked, dripped, and dried.  A mess!  (So much for being vacuum-packed.)  

We did have time to chat during all of the tasks for the day.  Annie is doing about the same--BUT she even jumped up onto my chair from the footrest!!  [Has done so three times now!  The last time I saw her wanting to try so I lowered the footrest a bit to make it easier for her.  :)] 

Saturday

Made soup.  Had some frozen pulled pork I wanted to use up, mixed beans, lentils, peas, carrots, and some crushed tomatoes.  Been a long time since I made soup!


With my immunity being low...Leah and I were discussing supplements and...well, I reluctantly had to admit to Leah that, once again, I could use some help with meals I can nuke.  This past month or so I have been so tired and feeling weak all the time so that most of the time I am just doing whatever takes the very, very least effort to make to eat...like canned soups, cheese, toast, etc.  (The low count is what pushed me to bake the fish earlier in the week and to soak the beans to make soup on Saturday--lol!)  Anyways, Leah will help me out again for a while.  I hate to bother her, of course.  But--goodness!--she was here right away on Saturday with some meals I can reheat!  Liam even helped to make food for Gramma, she said.

So, Leah dropped off food and a few supplements she had that I didn't.  It was sprinkling and the boys were excited to have their clear umbrellas full of raindrops.  She came to the patio door for the drop off so I got to see the boys from a distance.  :)  

That night when I went to add the upcoming appointment to our shared google calendars...I realized that the lady had made the appointment for two weeks later (13th) and not for this Friday (6th).  ??  So, I knew I had to call Monday to find out what is going on.  Another error from last Friday? (Yes, it was.)

Sunday

My skin gets very dry in the winter...especially my hands.  The skin peels around my nails and I do pick and pull to get rid of it.  This has been going on for years...decades!  I guess this is proof that I am having trouble fighting off bacteria...

All of a sudden yesterday my finger started swelling up and is red on the side where it had bled where I pulled the loose skin away.  Something my body normally has dealt with all my life.  I did have this happen once over 40 years ago.

Took those pics last night.  Can you see how swollen that ring fingertip is?  Good grief!  Oh, and I noticed I still have some blue ink under my little nail--LOL!  Fountain pen ink can be messy.  I really dislike inky hands--that's why I usually use a syringe to fill when I can. But yesterday one pen was empty that can only be filled by dunking it into an ink bottle--and I always seem to make a mess of myself in that process--LOL!

Anyways, this morning I had to call the clinic about both the appointment and my finger.  Took me over 20 minutes (on hold twice because I needed to speak to an actual person in oncology) but I finally got through...and then they put me on hold to ask McCune about the appointment issue.  Yes, I needed to come back in this week...and this time he wants to see me, too...the usual appointment sandwiched between lab and potential infusion.

They were full so I have to go in on Thursday morning.  Leah will take me this time.  I convinced the lady to leave the appointment for the 13th as it is--just in case--so I will already have a Friday afternoon appointment if I can't get the infusion this week.  Can always cancel that one if I do get the infusion this time.

The finger.  Well, I had put coconut oil (natural antibiotic) on it and a bandaid last night.  It was not quite as swollen, red, or painful this morning.  I am supposed to keep a close eye on it.  If it does not continue to get better or even just stays the same I am to go in to have it looked at.  She reminded me how I could have a hard time fighting any infection. Yes, I know...I know. 

So I will rewrap it with fresh coconut oil early in the evening to get a good look at it...but it feels better than it did and doesn't seem as swollen.  Yes, I am judging with a bandaid around it, though--LOL!  Who knows what the week will bring as far as this goes now.  Hopefully all will go well and it will heal.  (Antibiotics can really do a number on me with my touchy gut issues so I'd rather not have to take any.)

Then...Blogger has been a royal pain.   Many of you have also mentioned having issues with making comments.  Well, I also get notifications of blog posts by email and I am getting one email with anywhere from three to ten post links!  Especially with people who post more often.  So I read them but maybe only comment (or try to) on one or two of them.  I am not sure I am getting all my notifications, either.  Maybe they will straighten that out one day, too.

FYI:

I will likely not post until Tuesday next week.  I have a CT scan scheduled for Monday the 9th.  Unless it gets cancelled because I haven't had my next infusion--but I will make a stink if they suggest that.  You can bet on it.  I want to know where I stand.  Anyways, I do want be able to let you know what they found out and I can read online usually within a day or so.  So, could possibly even not be posting till Wednesday--if I don't get the results (might as well wait till I can tell you the results of the scan) and I do have Katie coming to clean on Tuesday.  So don't worry if you don't hear from me till Wednesday.  If you haven't heard from me by Wednesday--okay, then you can worry--ROFL!  Just kidding--I don't want you to worry about me.  :)

I guess that's it for this week.  I'll see you later next week...hopefully with some good news!  Fingers crossed and say a prayer.  :) :)

*love and hugs*

PS I have no idea why there's a highlight over all my words??  Can't figure out how to get rid of it.  Sorry.  Blogger--Blogger--Blogger!!  Yup!  A pain in the patoot!!

Monday, April 25, 2022

April 25, 2022 Monday--12:15pm

Good afternoon!

I managed to get laundry done and keep up with the "have-to"s.  In fact I am back to doing some laundry this afternoon because I really don't want to get that far behind again where I have more than two loads.  Becomes overwhelming when you live in low gear.  So I am aiming for one load at a time for a while.  ;)

Surprise--Dagan had the day off and wanted to take me to my infusion appointment on Friday!  That was a treat.  He finally got to see how the whole thing goes with his old mom.  :)

People were teasing him--"You're not Leah", etc.  I introduced him around.  We went in to get my port set up and blood drawn.  Had David for that and he was saying to Dagan how strange this must all be for him or something like that...Dagan said how he was very used to hospitals...and that opened that keg of worms--LOL!  Dagan and I were talking about his heart and how he wasn't supposed to live and how many pacemakers he's had and how he was one of the first people to have "angel wings" used to close the hole between his top two chambers (not called that anymore--doctor sold the patent)...and we left the room arguing about how old he was when he collapsed at the golf course driving range and ended up in a wheelchair for a few months before the angel wings were put in at University of Minnesota hospital...

We do have some strange-to-other-people mother-son conversations--with a lot of laughing.

Then we went back to the waiting room to be called to see Dr. McCune.  My bloodwork looked good and he said I could make an appointment for a CTscan to be done in the three weeks before my next infusion.  We discussed the possibility of IF (a big if) the tumors did disappear whether I could stop the Keytruda treatments.  McCune said he would check into that with people who were more in my category.  Admitted he didn't know enough about stopping treatments if there were no tumors.  I like that he is open to suggestions and listens.

Then we waited there in the doctor's exam room for the next step--to be taken to the infusion center.

BUT--one set of tests hadn't come back yet on my bloodwork and another nurse came to tell me that I couldn't get my infusion.  The count that was low last time to where I almost couldn't get it, if you recall.  Well, this time it was even lower.  This has something to do with the ability to fight off infection.  Not the actual white blood cell count but something else.

Anyways, it is a good thing I had that feeling I should be in quarantine the last month or so and have been extra careful.  They don't want me catching anything--bad cold or whatever.  I'd have a hard time fighting it off.  

Anyways, the nurse (I am so bad at names but I have had her many times and she's a real sweetie--Kirsten maybe?) asked Dagan if he'd like a tour of the infusion center since I wouldn't be using it after all?  Sure!  So she brought us back and Dagan got treated like a rock star!  Was so funny!  All the big grins and welcomes!  Turns out someone said something to him about his heart--so David had filled everybody in apparently.  ROFL!  It was really sweet and funny, too.

After all, he truly IS one of those "miracle babies" all grown up and they still don't know why he has done so well.  Studying him now, actually.  When he was three months old and we got the diagnosis any kids with a similar series of defects usually died before they were two--most way before--and there was only one girl alive who was five who lived in France.  (I often wonder what happened to her.)  His heart was already three times the size and pushing into his lungs--and he had the tail ends of pneumonia.  They sent him home to be with me for a while--a day, a week...possibly a month.

Surprise!

The next time he was in the hospital he was 2 1/2!

His patched and re-patched up heart is still going strong and is totally and completely embedded in mine.  :)

Anyways, now I have to go back this Friday for bloodwork...and hopefully will be able to have an infusion.  No doctor visit this week.  Will just be a yes or no from the bloodwork. 

I have a tentative CTscan appointment on Monday the 9th of May.  Supposed to have a scan after my next infusion but I think I should have it regardless, of course.  If all goes well I will be then back on the every three week infusions.  All up in the air right now.

Dagan came in afterwards and did the tasks (trash, vacuuming, getting high up stuff).  We sat and chatted a bit--with our masks on.  Despite the bad news...it was just a wonderful day.  Still makes me smile to remember how the staff greeted Dagan like they did.  Even people I have had no contact with at all--LOL!  

We had rain--and that night we even had thunderstorms.

Been chilly and snowing and raining and melting.

When it snowed I put out more seed because the birds come a-flocking for a meal at the Critter Cafe.


On Saturday I finally tackled the stack of forms for Federal Housing I have been avoiding for a couple of weeks.  Went to make the many copies they want you to send with the paperwork and the printer isn't working.  Out of the blue.  Had just used it the week before.  So, Dagan is coming by after work tonight to see if he can fix the problem.  (Yes, he's back in the office every day now that the numbers are down and he has the new position--wears his mask, though, when he's around other people and not alone in his office--even if others don't.)

It was crazy warm on Saturday!  I saw 67 degrees at one point.  No rain--so I could open the patio door wide...and Annie went nuts!  She raced around the apartment for a little while how cats do and attacked her toys with vigor I haven't seen in a while.  

Honestly--made me cry.

Why?

Well, I haven't talked about this because it is just hard...but we figure Annie has been dealing with diabetes for a couple years now.  She suddenly was thirsty all the time and drinking more water than she ever had--and then hungry all the time, too, and eating more than she ever has...but still was getting thinner and thinner over time.  

Leah and I researched online and it appeared to be diabetes.  The best natural thing we could do was feed her raw meat and grain-free canned foods...which we did.  Probably why she has lasted this long.


Another sign is weakness, lethargy, and then they won't be able to jump up on furniture like they used to.  Finally they go into a coma.  Annie used to jump from the floor onto the arm of the chair to sit by me up until maybe a year and a half ago or so.  Then she started using the footrest to get up (half the height).  I noticed she was having to rock back and forth thinking about it before she jumped for a week or two before I got my booster shot.  She never once jumped up with me onto the chair while I was so sick from the shot...or since.

Now Annie is our strange, autistic, timid, rescue cat, as you know.  She doesn't like to be picked up.  She can only handle so much stimulation from petting or neck scratching--even though she purrs the whole time.  We thought she might live under my bed when Dagan and Leah brought her over about five years ago (after Karma died).  She was so miserable without her companion, Sammy, their other cat who recently died before Karma did.  (Sammy and Annie were sold together because they had bonded at the rescue center--I'm sure they thought shy, antisocial Annie would never get a home otherwise.)  

Annie was terrified of Ian from the time he was born and they had another scary little person on the way, too.  Annie hid all day and only came out after Ian was asleep.  She was never friendly, easily scared, didn't trust people, and was already somewhere around 11 or 12 years old.  So I agreed to take her...and they got Blink who is as opposite from Annie as you can imagine.  (So glad the boys have been able to grow up with a lovey cat who wasn't afraid of kids!)

Truth--even if I was rich and could afford to treat Annie for diabetes--honestly--I wouldn't do that to her.  Plus, she wouldn't let me, anyways.  One shot.  One pill down the throat.  I'd never get near her again and we would destroy all the trust and bonding we have slowly built up over the years.  She has learned to trust me as much as Annie is capable of trusting a human and she has been so happy here with this old lady in our quiet apartment.  She's probably 16, going on 17 years old.  I want her to live feeling happy and as safe as Annie can feel (which she does with me) for as long as she's got.  

But now it is a matter of waiting to have Annie tell me when it is time to go.  Makes me sad to think of bringing her to the vet (where she will be scared, trembling, and trying to disappear by making herself as small as possible...and I don't know how much comfort even I will be but I will be right there and I am the trusted human as much as she can trust).

All the barfing is also a symptom and that has increased over the past six months or so.  I am watching everything.  Waiting.  So that is why I cried when she raced through the apartment with the joy of a truly warm spring day (which disappeared by the next day--it's 28F right now BTW).

The good news is I have always let Annie come to me since she has always been one to run away and doesn't like to be picked up or held.  But now that she knows she can't trust herself to jump up on my chair anymore...but she misses me because she follows me every time I go to the bathroom just to get some neck scratches (her favorite) and a little petting...I offered to pick her up and put her on the chair before I raise the footrest.  She didn't understand at first--always mistrustful, she thought it was a ploy to capture her.  But she was curious enough to come closer each time.  Finally she was close enough for me to pick her up--stressful for Annie--but I released my hold right away after the footrest was up.  She didn't stay long but got in some neck scratches.

This has been going on for over a week--and now she knows the routine and she is staying a little longer.  If she wants to come up she knows she has to come close enough to the chair that I can reach her easily.  If she doesn't want to she stays out of reach.  But I offer to bring her up on the chair with me and she knows the routine now.  I don't even have to really keep hold of her once she's up while I am doing the footrest anymore the past few days.  So Annie and I do have a little snuggle time once again.  She doesn't stay as long as she used to.  New things make her nervous...but she also isn't feeling her old self, either, I don't think.  All her autistic tendencies with stimulation seem amped up.  She has to leave in a fairly short time but she is purring the whole time she is up here with me.

She's looking a little scruffier.  Her coat isn't as shiny.  She's losing a lot of fur this spring.  Not sure if it is more than normal, though--been harder to brush her.  So funny she has white whiskers on one side in her old age.  Notice her right ear--lost the tip of it from either frostbite or an aggressive male when she was a street cat in her youth.


So...part of my lack of motivation lately is not due to the Keytruda keeping me tired and listless...which it does.  This--Annie--has been on my mind and keeping my attention.  I'm spending as much cuddle time with her as she can handle and wants.  I filled Dagan in on Friday.  Leah is looking for a vet (we didn't like the place we were going to when Sammy and Karma died) who will be caring and gentle with a timid, timid cat.  We need to have a plan.  Any of you who know how this goes with pets--Annie could remain about the same for a while or go downhill rapidly...but I know she has gone past that point where she is going to get better, you know.  When she stopped being able to jump up on my chair...  

That was three weeks ago.  I don't want her to suffer.  She's a bit uncomfortable right now, but doesn't appear to be in any pain and is still active but slower and sleeping more--eating and drinking, peeing and pooping--all the things.  So we will have as many good days as possible before we have to say goodbye.  

In the meantime...Dagan will come after work to see if he can get my printer talking to my laptop again.  I have clothes to come out of the dryer.  I need to set up the small stack of letters on my desk so they are ready for some paper chats this week.  The snow is melted once again.  We're supposed to head back into the 40s tomorrow for the week.  Birds are eating on the patio.  Spring is trying to arrive still.  ;)

Wish me luck on Friday that I can get an infusion.  I need them till the tumors are gone, for sure.  I don't want the trajectory to change, you know?  Well, who would--LOL!  Thinking positive.  You all are a blessing to me.  Till next week...