Definitely afternoon!
But that's okay. :)
With the holidays, I almost forgot it was Monday--LOL! Well, here I am. By the time I post again it will be 2021. I don't make resolutions but I do make goals. In 2021 I plan to be spending a lot more creative time...with art journaling, card making, and calligraphy. I plan to find a way to add gentle exercise into my life. Those are the two main goals. But--over and above that--I need to change my inner landscape.
Leah even wrote me a letter (to try to get through to me) basically telling me how I shouldn't push myself till I get sick (when I got the bad sinus attack). That she wants to help with cards--would even have finished them by herself--happy just with my company while she works. (I am tearing up just writing that--no one wants to be a burden or not pull their weight, you know?)
So, I have been doing a lot of thinking about how I have been fighting all my health issues...especially since becoming officially disabled in 2004. Remembering how easily I did things in my before time...how I used to feel energetic and could accomplish so much...how I loved jobs where I was juggling ten things at once and had an excellent memory. Well, I need to accept that I can't get any more done than I do. But instead of clumping too much in a cluster on a good day and then getting nothing done for days I should learn how to spread it out more. Be more patient with myself.
It's been this constant internal battle...a juggling of the few spoons...endless priority lists that shift from day to day or even hour to hour...a nagging grey guilt on my bad days and guilt that I can't get more done on my good days. I am causing my own stress. Thinking things might get better...the optimist in me...hasn't wanted to let go of some parts of me I cling to in those nooks and crannies. Like the mountain bike hanging in my garage I haven't be able to ride for almost 20 years.
I think it's because I used to be a regular energizer bunny that would go-go-go till I collapsed for a time...so that's what I was used to. I was probably a type A, I suppose, with OCD tendencies. Looking back, my entire life I pushed till I dropped. I have always seemed to have two speeds--full and dead stop. And many periods of time I had to keep pushing even after I wanted and truly needed to drop (hence mono in 1999). You do what you have to do. Work, jobs, family...sick boy...sometimes sick me...you just kept going, you know? Keeping a roof over your head and food on the table and paying the bills...hand to mouth, as they say.
I did it...and truly loved almost all of it. When my body gave out on me...my mind was still the same. If I couldn't do, I could plan to do, right?
I have been collecting art and craft supplies since I was in high school. I am the dabbler who never had much time, took classes here and there, and always said that one day I hoped I would have the time to really play and use the supplies I was collecting.
Be careful what you ask for, eh?
I have had the time since 2004...but not the physical ability or stamina. And that has been frustrating this old, broken energizer bunny for 16 years.
Inside I am still the person who could assembly-line 100 cards over a weekend...even if I was up till 3 or 4 in the morning for a couple of nights--LOL! Who when I moved could have my entire apartment completely scrubbed down, everything unpacked, hung, and put in a new proper place within a week--sometimes a matter of 2-3 days. I had moved over 30 times before I came up here to Fargo/Moorhead in 1999--only twice since then and each move wiped me out for months and months! I needed help to unpack! Me! Energizer bunny me. :(
Yes, I have adjusted...learned by trial and pushy, determined error what I can and can't do pretty much. Fibro is a fickle and unpredictable ruler...who also moves in with a lot of unpleasant baggage. Plus there's a whole choir of other health issues always singing along in the background--and occasionally stepping forward for some solo time. Yes, I have been in pretty good spirits all these years, am grateful for so much in my life, and do think I have handled it pretty well in general. But down in the nooks and crannies of my being--I have been fighting myself. Doing battle with my bossy body.
I. Need. To. Stop.
I need to end the internal battle. Not because I can't win...but because acceptance is how I will truly win.
For example...I am using up leftover birthday cards for 2021. Not scrambling to finish a new set right now--plus worrying about the Wanderlust bonus classes...and driving myself crazy--ROFL! And now I have an entire year to make a set of birthday cards. (In fact, I have enough leftovers that I could go another year--LOL!)
I truly have been relaxing over the years about a lot of things that used to drive me bonkers...but I never made it a priority...with joy. It felt like I was forced against my will into slowing down, you know?
Well, I was.
So, my focus for 2021 is to avoid stress...relax...be as kind to myself as I try to be to others. To accept that I am physically not the person I used to be. To find more ways to avoid stressing my own silly self out--hehe! And that includes being creative and adding exercise.
For another example--I found a solution to the bonus classes stress of maybe losing them in a few days. I spent a couple of days this past week going through the 24 advent prompts and taking detailed notes so now I can do those any time. They are not going to be lost to me. (I really want to do those first of all the bonus stuff!) Then I went through all the bonus class materials and downloaded everything I possibly could. Which ended up being almost all of it--tada! So--all that pressure--that stress--is gone! Sweet!
Sitting stuff is easier for me to do so I also set up the leftover birthday cards for 2021--all addressed and chronologically sorted. [I do this every December--and can add anybody who'd like a handmade card at any time--just let me know. I do love to send cards and write letters--even if I may not be the fastest pen pal--LOL!] Was way faster this year when I didn't have to make new ones in December--LOL! Kind of fun going through the old ones, too, to be honest.
I had some super plain thank you cards that were kind of half done because normally I would have had to add something else to them...well, I just used them as is. Finished all of those yesterday so they'd go out in the mail today--tada! Really boring cards, but it's the words that count, right?
I had Leah over the week before for Craft Nite and then I went to visit McFamily every other day a couple days later--three out of five days. (Tuesday we taught the boys how to play Chutes & Ladders.) So I was totally shot but content over Christmas and, honestly, didn't even get dressed--LOL! Just hung out with Annie and watched It's A Wonderful Life and A Christmas Story like I do every year. I had a video call on Christmas Day with McFamily. The boys were all wound up! Ian had gotten a magic kit and showed me all his tricks. Liam was laughing and tossing these soft rings from a game all over Mama--over and over and over as three year olds will do. Was a sweet, noisy visit--LOL!
Finally connected with my mom yesterday. Over Christmas her cell phone was going directly to voice mail (which she doesn't know how to use). I guess my brother got special permission to enter the building to fix her phone. She had forgotten that fact for ten minutes when I called and didn't remember what was wrong with the phone (dead battery--who knows?)--but did remember she didn't get calls over Christmas, of course. She's getting quite forgetful. She can't do a lot for herself anymore from the sounds of it. I told her over and over why she didn't get calls over Christmas--so hopefully she'll remember. She still sounded in pretty darn good spirits, considering. I think she actually really enjoys having the various people coming and going day and night in her apartment (hospice). That's a good thing for a social butterfly, I guess. (Would drive me crazy!)
Okay--I do have a few pictures--never fear--LOL!
The lentil soup concoction I put together turned out quite good.
17 comments:
I try every once in a while to post my comment to get your comments...just to see if it might work. Optimist. ;)
You have such a good attitude, and with crafting and cooking you get a lot done, or so it seems to me.
Sending you all good wishes for a Happier New Year for all of us, Rita. Your list of goals sounds doable particularly if some of them mean you will slow down and take it easy. I will be making some of my own, actually already have made them in my mind, just not writing any down. I also want to concentrate on started, but unfinished projects, and need to stop wasting efforts on contacting people, including family members, who don't reciprocate. It's a hard thing for me to do, but the realization that other people don't feel the need to communicate is one I need to accept.
Hi Rita! I am glad you are going to slow and work on keeping stress under control. So important. One thing this pandemic has taught me is that we do need to pay attention and take precautions for our health! So glad that Leah is such a help and friend to you. That is such a cute picture of you with your grandsons. Not sure I have ever scene a picture of you on your blog before. It's good you could get in touch with you mom finally. Hope you have a good week. Rest and try to regain your health!
I hope you feel good enough to do all your crafts! We got more snow again today...so I shoveled again. It was cold out today a damp cold. Storm supposed to be coming through again late tomorrow. Got your letter today! :)
I love that picture of you reading to the boys! It sounds like you are getting plans worked out for the new year to better handle your health and not overdo things. That is very smart of you. I have so much trouble managing my time as I will go too hard at things and then overdo it and not do anything for awhile. I was happy with the ending to Supernatural too. Are you going to watch Jared Padalecki's new show? (Walker, Texas Ranger) I'm going to try it and see but it will be strange seeing him in a different role.
Take care and stay warm!
Even the energizer bunny wears down over time. I'm glad you are learning to slow down and do only what you are capable of doing that day and NO MORE than that. Over time, you will find the pace that fits you best, even if it's slower than you originally imagined. I'm just thrilled you are finally understanding that.
Loved the photo of you and the boys. Nice that you had a somewhat white Christmas. Have a safe, healthy, slower, happy new year, too, dear friend.
BIG big HUGE hugs Rita!! Have a happy New Year! deb
I will encourage you not to think of yourself as a burden or as not pulling your weight. I remember fondly "doing for" my mother, and I think I got more out of it than she did. Your lentil soup looks tempting. I should make some and put some in the freezer. I'm enjoying your snow photos! It may be the only snow I get lol I trust your New Year will be better than the old one :)
That feeling of, "I use to be able to do it" Never goes away. 21 years of my body fighting me and that thought of, "Oh I can do this," is still with me. LOL Nice photo of you and the boys. Have a great day today.
I'm glad you are beginning to learn how to take it easier and not wear yourself out so often. I also teared up a little realizing how much you are loved by McFamily and knowing that they are taking such good care of you. I also love that picture of the three of you, Rita. And thanks for mentioning Annie. I miss her sometimes when you don't mention her. And I am also hoping for a better year ahead for all of us. Sending you lots of love and wish I could send you some spoons! :-)
Yes yes YES!! I totally understand this! Part of this could be my story! I've also had to learn my limits over the past several years because of all my issues (including my own fibro, arthritis, and several other medical things). I've adapted, but I sure miss going going going lol. I still have my mountain bike and was still riding it (I'm 63, almost 64) until last year when the spokes went bad (cheapest Walmart bike back in 2002 that always had problems I fought with!). But yes, it sure is hard to let go of some things we used to do... there is always something else we can replace it with that is just as enjoyable! You WILL find your way, Rita!! Hugs and blessings!
I take life one day at a time and just go with the flow no resoultions here or goals even can't see the point.
You have shared so many awesome photos during the year.
Lovely shots! And very wise to listen to your body and cherish it.
Love that photo of you and the kids! Not a fan of the snow, we did have quite the storm right before Christmas, which made mail delivery horrible. Christmas day it was 60 degrees and rained all day so yeah, not so much now. Fibro can be brutal, I am so sorry you have to deal with the spoons. I too am that type of personality. When I was 40, for my birthday, I gave myself a 6 day hospital stay. I think it was then that I realized I had to slow down, A LOT. Can't say that it happened overnight, and I still get a lot accomplished in a week, but the light fixture I posted about tonight? Took 3 days to get it done. And the fish tank? Still needs to be cleaned. Tomorrow's another day.
It's not unexpected that you compare what you used to be like to now. I've always been a plodder, everything gets done but the jobs I like get done more quickly!
2020 taught us both a lot. We had tried to cram too much into a week sometimes, when we had to stop going out my IBS symptoms quietened, we stopped eating out and I lost weight, hubby's BP went down, we started to use our balcony for what is was intended and sat in the sun and read (although our plans to revamp it went on hold it has become less of a dumping ground). We also started doing more things together - the latest is jigsaw puzzles and hubby started his own style of journaling some of the wildlife pics he had collected.
I have used a lot of cards I had already put into a box - far more relaxing and now if I enter a challenge with a card it is usually with someone in mind!
We had a few snowflakes on Christmas Day but they didn't stick, we then had two days when it snowed but most of it is gone now - just a few patches in the shade!
That photo of young the boys is fabulous, I can see why you need a better copy!
Take it easy, and try to enjoy taking it easy!! Feeling optimistic about 2021 too - it can't be worse, surely?????!!!!!
Hugs, Chris
Sounds like you were doing a lot of reflecting about accepting what your body can and cannot do. It is hard to think back about what one was able to do in younger years and how that changes when the body doesn't want to cooperate thanks to diseases or pain.
The lentil soup looks delicious!
I love the photo of you, Ian, and Liam. Such joy and love in that picture!
Happy to see Annie. Hadn't seen her photo for a while. Glad she's up to her antics still!
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