August 21, 2023 Monday--3am

Good morning!

Dagan's dresser sold on Monday.  This piece of furniture has a story.  Dagan was eight years old (1982) and we had just moved into a one-bedroom basement apartment in Anoka (due to a divorce) which was crammed full of plants--most of which I had inherited from my mom when they retired and moved to Florida.  I gave Dagan the bedroom and I slept on the Livingroom floor.  My sister was having cabinets made for her kitchen at the time.  I can't even remember how it all came about but I was hoping to find a small dresser that would fit in the bathroom...and Renee's carpenter said he could make one for me.  All he needed was the measurements--which he came by to get them himself so he could make the largest dresser that would fit (and I think to chat with Dagan, to be honest).  He even delivered it later, too.

He was the sweetest man!  He made it out of Formica scraps so that the little man wouldn't get in trouble if he splashed a bit on the dresser when he was taking a bath.  The drawers were shallow, so he put these hunks of wood inside you could turn down as bumpers so the drawers wouldn't fall out and hurt little man.  He seemed to adore Dagan and loved talking to him--he was a grandpa himself.  And Dagan, who was normally shy with strangers, chatted away with him.  He knew I didn't have much money--made it for "little man" for $50.  I still don't believe he had that many scraps.  He even asked me what color I liked. ;)  Dagan and I were so excited about it.  It was just perfect!!  He was one of those people whose kindness, loving nature, and joy in life just flows from them so brightly you are deeply warmed by it.  When you meet one in your life--even briefly--you never forget them. 

Anyways, I have always felt this dresser was made with so much love and care.  Over 40 years old now.  That's just dust on the bottom drawer.  It still looks brand new because of the Formica--lol!  And it is heavy-heavy!!  A bit of nostalgia.  Neither McFamily nor I had any place for it.  I hope whoever bought it will feel the love.  I believe it is embedded with positive energy! :)

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I didn't have the best week health-wise the week before--or this past week, either.  To the point it felt like I was going backwards.  I have to confess that has gotten me down.  It takes a lot to get me down.  But my improvements seemed to plateau several months ago...and then having the terrible diarrhea rear its head the past couple weeks and my hours are completely flipped again...felt like I was going backwards and getting worse...well, that really got me down.

I think what the issue is...well, I know what it is...expectations.  Having the expectation of feeling better and better...of thinking I will get back to my normal pre-cancer chronic pain, diarrhea, and exhaustion--LOL!  But then I feel guilty for being impatient or maybe expecting too much.  It's been since mid-December of last year that I had my last treatment--after which I went through 6 weeks of the really terrible diarrhea.  I saw gradual improvement for around 3 months.  But since then...I've been about the same.  

I kept pushing through to get things done (do--collapse--do--collapse--lol!) thinking I'd gradually find it easier because I'd be getting better and better, right?  Nope.  In fact, pushing through was getting harder and harder.  Doing extra stuff--well, I was getting back to where just doing the essentials was feeling overwhelming again.  Was probably wearing myself out, I suppose.

Trying the fasting 3 days a week (which I did for three weeks) was wanting to try something else--anything else--to try to help with the inflammation from head to toe I still have.  But the fasting may possibly have even contributed to the terrible diarrhea again...no clue, really?  *sigh*  Regardless, I was going backwards.  

Expectations.  

I had honestly expected to feel better than I do by now.  I had at least expected to gradually continue to see very slow improvement.  The going backwards...that was the straw.  

The straw.

Kind of broke my heart.

So, I decided I have to change my perspective.  Being an optimist is one thing, but I have always said I'm a realistic optimist.  This might just be about it for me.  This might be my new body...my new level of health and functioning.  Of course, it's possible I may continue to very slowly improve still over time, but it might take a long, long time...if I ever do get much better than this.  I can't count on that, though.  I can't even get rid of shingles pain or a bump on the head.  And my sleep has gone haywire for months now.  This may be the new way of my life.  

It's the expectations of it being different that got me down.  

You hear you are cancer free--you don't have treatments anymore--well, you expect you will gradually get back to feeling more your old self--your pre-cancer self, you know?  

Expectations. 

Complaining about still having mucositis, headaches, diarrhea, aching all over worse than before cancer, being unable to sleep or crashing for way long...that is so ungrateful of me.  I feel guilty, you know?

Because I am grateful I have no cancer.  I am grateful to be alive.  I am grateful Dagan and Leah and the boys want me to come and live with them.  I am excited about the new apartment.  I am grateful that when I am dealing with all of these health issues that I am here by myself and am old--so I don't have to worry about a job or a family to take care of.  I am grateful Leah and Dagan help me out when I need it.  I am grateful for Allie to keep me company.  I do know how truly lucky and blessed I am.

I also know I have already had over 20 years of living with chronic pain and all the rest.  I can adjust to living with worse health than I had before.  I am living with it right now.  I am grateful to be here feeling like crap--LOL!  I really truly am.  I just have to stop thinking about and waiting to feel better.  Focus on right now.  Forget about my expectations for improvement.  Forget about my pre-cancer days.  Be kinder to myself right now.  Take it slower.  (Kind of have to--my body is the boss of me.)  What was my word for the year?  Relaxation.  

Relaxation.

Okay.  Enough said. :) 

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You can see the winner in the voting was left align the paragraphs.  (Well, actually the most votes went to not caring one way or the other--LOL!)  I will do the left align, but my photos will continue to be centered, though.  I do know how to manually shift every photo over to the left, but they automatically show up centered and I am going to leave it at that.  Don't feel like manually dealing with each photo and blogger won't let me try to add them all to the left and write in-between them, even.  I tried that.  So centered photos it is. :)

I did do the Inchies Challenge until I got to #11.  Let's just say #11 was a bit TOO challenging--lol!

6. Knot

7. Touching

8. Box

9. Fern

10. River

Then #11 comes along and I am like--what?!

  "art - poem" ??  

That was so off track from the rest of them...I passed.  I might still do #12--Moon.  Who knows?  I kept getting behind a day on the ten--lol!  Oh well.  It was fun!  [Yes, I did have fun the past two weeks and chuckle at Allie and laughed and had very pleasant days.  Optimists do not give up easily. ;)]

Friday Leah picked me up (boys were with daddy) and I got my stitches out.  Really nice lady who was quite funny, too.  We were cracking each other up. :)  I had asked her if she could try to clean me up because I couldn't see up there.  I thought I could see bloody scabs, but I had washed my hair twice before I came and still couldn't get them out.  Well, turns out they weren't even attached to my scalp anymore.  They were embedded in the stitches and my hair.  

As she was cutting the stitches out, she was saying she'd try hard not to pull any hairs out because I didn't have a lot to spare--ROFL!  True--true!, I said, while she was carefully running chunks of scab down my thin hairs to release them.  I asked her, why do they have all these tall, thin, sexy Swedish women in the movies with long thick blonde hair?  In my family the Swedish women are round and short with thin straight hair and glasses!  Well, they're not even Swedes, she says.  They're actors with dyed blonde hair--LOL!

She cleaned my head up well--and I don't think she even pulled out any hairs--lol!  Was a fun time getting stitches out. :) :)

Leah came in afterwards briefly.  I asked her if she could water the patio planters for me.  (That's how bad a week I was having.)  I did admit to her how down I have been feeling the past couple weeks with my body going backwards.  Not going to do the fasting anymore.  (Well, except for my usual 24 hours or more before appointments.)  At least for now.  Just trying to focus on a different mindset and being content with what is.  So thankful she could water for me.  Just feeling worn out.  

We had extra hugs at the door. :) 

Sunday--McFamily drove down to Minneapolis for their week's vacation!  (And Dagan's heart and pacemaker checkups.)  The boys are going to have so much fun--they all are.  Leah said the boys haven't been for about four years--since before covid.  Liam doesn't remember since he was only 2.  Ian was 5 but doesn't remember a lot.  They're going to have a blast going to a bunch of places.  Then next time they have to go down for just an overnight they'll be able to ask the boys which was their favorite place to go and they can go to that one place for a treat.  Good plan!  I hope she has lots of pictures to share next week. :)

Well, that's about it.  I didn't even take many pictures.  This is how Allie and I spent a lot of the week--hanging out on my big comfy chair. 

Was a somber, contemplative week, I guess.  If I am ever down I have to dig down and figure out why.  Just me.  Sorry to dump it on you, but that's life.  Sometimes it just weighs you down.  Pain by itself can weigh you down.  It's been a long...well, last few years.  

At least I have previously lived through a lot in my lifetime and know this will pass.  I will be okay.  I'll figure it out--how to live the best way I can with whatever life hands me.  You know me.  It's not what happens to you in your life, it is how you live through it.  Truly.

I do feel guilty for even bringing it up...to you...to Leah...to anyone.  I know I sound ungrateful, but I'm not.  People can feel opposite things at the same time.  Truth is just truth.  That's how I've been feeling recently.  Grateful and yet kind of beaten down.  

I always bounce back.  Life is too short...and there are too many wondrous things about being here to dwell on the negative stuff, right?

So, till next week, my friends.  Thanks for listening.  Keep smiling!  Be grateful.  Things could always be worse, as my Swedish relatives used to say.  ROFL!  ;)