August 5, 2024 Monday--5am

Good morning!

Well, it's a better morning than it was a few days ago.  I'll explain at the end of the blog, but let's just say...even born optimists can have really, really bad days. 

But first...here is what I kept myself busy with this week.  Not ICADs.  The idea of struggling to draw (which is outside of my comfort or talent zone, even if I want to get better at it) just felt overwhelming to me.  I decided to go back to the safety of my creative comfort zone.  Since it is already August, if I wanted to finish a set of Christmas cards and a set of birthday cards before I move (and hopefully more than one set so I can get ahead of the game again)...well, I had best get moving.  So, I picked out a set of clear stamps I thought were pretty cheerful (needed some happy cards).  Yup!  This would do.

Set myself up at the kitchen table and stamped away with my Misti.

Got all 55 cards stamped outside...

...and inside.

I know.  I'm doing very simple cards I can just stamp and then sit and color.  Works for me right now.  I always have made pretty plain cards.

Joyce F. asked what clear stamps or cling stamps were.  Said she only knew of the rubber stamps on wooden blocks...like these.

Well, I think they first came out with "cling" stamps.  They are rubber stamps--just not on wooden blocks.  They have this kind of sticky but not sticky backing...

...that will make the rubber stamp "cling" to an acrylic block.  Which, as you can see, come in all sizes.

The cling stamps peel right off and you can use them over and over again.  These new flat cling stamps that were not affixed to wooden blocks took up so much less room that they became popular very quickly.

Then they came out with "clear" stamps.  (These are also "cling" stamps to me because they are also used with acrylic blocks.)  The clear stamps are of a wider variety of actual clear plastics...some are better than others.  I've had some very cheap ones that turned kind of gummy.  But most of them work really well.

Many of them will stain depending on the plastic (or whatever rubbery clear stuff they are made of) and/or the ink pad brand you use.  You can see which ones of the set above I used for the set of birthday cards I made for this year.  The staining doesn't affect the performance of the stamps, though.

The most useful invention for me was the Misti.  (On the table in the first photo.)  You can put a clear stamp or a cling stamp right on the Misti so that you can mass produce your stamping.  Lifesaver for me.  I'm wearing out the hinges on my Misti!  If anyone is interested I can show you how a Misti works.  Let me know.

Anyways, it was a hot week until Sunday.  In the 90s and upper 80s and sticky humid.  We are supposed to get a good break in the 70s for a while now--whew! 

 I was watering the petunias outside and Allie kept an eye on the procedures.

Does anyone know what kind of cover plant is growing in my planter boxes?

They were tiny and so cute I thought I'd just leave them there.  The one in front has taken over most of the planter now and spread to the side one--lol!  I didn't plant anything in them this year so I think these are pretty cool!  Kind of like low bushes.  :)  The hot weather hasn't seemed to bother them one bit.  I haven't watered them or anything.  But the poor petunias seem spindly from the heat and the wind...but they're hanging in there. :)

Anyways, back to Christmas cards.  I got out my Prisma colored pencils...

...set myself up in the kitchen watching YouTube videos...

...experimented with colors...

...and made a final decision.

I would switch from the table to my chair to color...as my body dictated--lol!  I even colored in my chair on my really bad day.  Allie looks like she was a little worried about me.  (I rarely ever, ever cry.)

I color assembly-line fashion.  Pick a color and then do that color on 55 cards...and repeat.

I just finished them on Sunday!

Well, I may still add a little something or other yet.  Not sure.  But basically the coloring is done!

Now...

What was this really bad day about?  Not my health.  Nothing happened.  Nothing has changed.  That was a big part of the problem.  August 2nd was an anniversary day.  Two years ago I brought Allie home (with reassurances that Dagan and Leah would take her if I died).  And that night Dagan, Leah, and I had a video call and made the final decision that they were going to build me an apartment and I was going to move over there.  Two years ago.  Two years.  Two long years.

Friday I just had a meltdown. 

This panicky feeling comes over me whenever nothing happens on the build for a long period of time--be it weeks or months.  I've had to fight it over and over.  

You guys must be sick of hearing about this eventual move, too...for two whole years.  

August 2, 2022.  Took them five months to clear out the basement so they could start the build.  (Was very full to the brim of stuff from when her mom died and she had stuff of siblings down there, etc...long process.)  They started January 2023...said it would be about 6 months--so summer.  I start doing the P&P (not easy--baby steps--felt like crap) but never expected to ever finish before I moved.

Then it was fall.  Then it was before the snow flies.  Then it was maybe spring.  Nothing was happening!  I finally pretty much had a meltdown last winter...was going to just stay here and use the IKEA furniture here.  That's when I found out about all the issues with permits and Trent not coming over, etc.  Decision was made to go with contractors.  Okay!  They started January 2024.  A couple of weeks to do the cement floor staining turned into 3 months...spring or summer move turned into fall...will I even get in this year before the snow flies?  Before Christmas?  Who knows?  Too many variables.

There's always something with the contractors, of course--and we have so many separate ones to deal with.  And I already do know Dagan and Leah are slow and usually wait till the last minute to get things done...and they are not good at remembering to keep me in the loop.  I am moving into a house full of dyslexics, after all.  Their lives have been turned upside-down this year.  Leah starting the new job.  The boys are starting public school on the 21st.  Liam has a speech therapist once a week and their dentist thinks his teeth may have something to do with it, too, now.  Ian has severe dyslexia and goes to a local place to see a coach twice a week.  They are trying to keep a normal life going so that all these changes aren't so drastic for the boys....they are all overwhelmed.  

I know all of that.  I know they love me and want me to be there.  I know Leah is exhausted.  Most of the build is on her shoulders.  She does things for me and for her grandparents and her brother who doesn't have a car.  I know the boys are nervous about changing schools and possibly riding the bus and everything being different than at Montessori.  We knew this was going to be a crazy year until I am moved and settled in--for all of us--for different reasons.  I know I will move...eventually.

I am usually pretty darn patient.  But on Friday I felt so defeated, unsettled, exhausted, frustrated...just overwhelmed with all kinds of emotions.  Honestly--all I could feel was my soul weeping...and I wanted to scream.

Why?  Why?

I am the type of person who wants to know why I feel the way I do.  What was really at the core of this meltdown?  Why did I feel defeated--like I was giving up?  By what?  On what?  

Well, I've done this kind of thing since I was a young girl--digging into what is really behind my negative feelings.  Often it is not what I might first think.  It wasn't.  Logic had nothing to do with it.  It wasn't because this is taking so long--because I am fine where I am and we have no time limit and I understand all the reasons this has gone the way it has.  Frustrating at times, yes.  Absolutely.  But my sorrow was deeper--core level.  I knew it had to be something else, too.

It came down to two main reasons.

One.  When we made the decision for me to move there and for me to get Allie--I did not know if I would actually live till the move at that point in time...or possibly not long after the move.  I was purging more for the Swedish Death Cleaning reason.  If I did die, I didn't want them to have to deal with as much stuff.  I never, ever expected to finish going through my entire apartment before I moved.  I was expecting to move in the summer...then fall...last year. 

So--in my head somewhere--the move represented that fresh start--new beginning--and beating cancer!  Life!!  The move and beating cancer became intertwined.  I am still waiting for my fresh start.

Two.  All my life I have had this OCD side I often mention.  My home has always been organized.  I have always known where things are and everything has a home--a spot where it belongs.  I may have a lot of stuff around me, but it all had its place.  I have moved so many times!  From when I left home until I moved up here to Fargo/Moorhead I lost count at 30 moves.  (I've only moved twice since I got here, though--a silver lining to becoming housebound--lol!)  But no matter where I went I carried my home with me...like a turtle.  I could organize a new home in a matter of days...and my familiar home would settle around me like a warm blanket.  My home is my safe place.  My cozy safe place filled with things I love.

This is not a home.

I had no idea what living out of tubs, off of folding tables stacked with some of my stuff, mostly empty kitchen cupboards, most of my furniture gone, and boxes piled everywhere would do to me.  Living in limbo...in constant transition...not knowing where half my stuff is or if I packed something or donated it...it is just total chaos for me.  It is hell for my OCD self.  Feels like I have had no home for such a very long time.  Like I haven't had my safe place for so long.  Like somehow the cancer isn't quite behind me...even though I know it is.

I told you, it's not logical.  It's core level emotional stuff.  It is my soul weeping.  It is my OCD self screaming.  I need my fresh start!  My new home!  Being close to the people I love!

And there is nothing I can do about it.  

Just wait.  And wait some more.

It might be easier now that I have dug down to find the real underlying reason I have been so upset sometimes--that sadness seems to come out of nowhere or the feeling so impatient I want to scream.  Maybe I am more attached to my things--my home stuff being organized around me--than I ever thought.  Honestly, I don't even think it is the actual possessions--but that I need the organization and having everything in its place.  I face the cans in my pantry, for goodness sake.  Not knowing where things are...I feel unmoored, adrift, ungrounded...lost.  

I need my home settled around me like that warm blanket.  I need to feel I have my safe place back again.  I haven't felt grounded since I began to tear this place apart and get rid of things.  I thought it was going to be just a few months.  Been a year and a half...so far.  I don't think I have ever gone even a month before when transitioning my home.  This turtle has lost her shell.  And from as far back as I can remember--my only safe place was that shell...even if it was just my room.

But at least knowing the root cause of the scary feelings, panic, and sorrow...it shouldn't be quite as bad in the coming months.  Logically...I am fine.  We don't have a deadline.  I don't blame Dagan and Leah.  I know eventually I will be moved.  

Meanwhile, I will make some cards.  They are in my comfort zone.  I will watch stuff to keep my mind off the move.  Will just wait.

Eventually I will be able to organize my home around me and settle in--ahhh!  Right now--just thinking about that makes me want to cry...because emotionally I don't have my home around me now.  But one day I will again.

See!  I am not some sort of Pollyanna.  Even though I can always find the silver linings and can usually find something to laugh about even in times of crisis and I am usually happy and optimistic...well, I have some very bad days, too.  We all have those old tapes we carry with us and core tender spots.  But I know once I am moved and am finally settling my home around me, I will feel so much better.  I will have my safe place again...and that makes life easier on so many levels.  

This too shall pass.

Sorry to be a downer, but I am always honest with you all.  That's just life and how things go sometimes.  I'm feeling better than I was on Friday, for sure.  Deep dives always help me.

*love and hugs from Fargo*  

Till next week...