April 25, 2022 Monday--12:15pm

Good afternoon!

I managed to get laundry done and keep up with the "have-to"s.  In fact I am back to doing some laundry this afternoon because I really don't want to get that far behind again where I have more than two loads.  Becomes overwhelming when you live in low gear.  So I am aiming for one load at a time for a while.  ;)

Surprise--Dagan had the day off and wanted to take me to my infusion appointment on Friday!  That was a treat.  He finally got to see how the whole thing goes with his old mom.  :)

People were teasing him--"You're not Leah", etc.  I introduced him around.  We went in to get my port set up and blood drawn.  Had David for that and he was saying to Dagan how strange this must all be for him or something like that...Dagan said how he was very used to hospitals...and that opened that keg of worms--LOL!  Dagan and I were talking about his heart and how he wasn't supposed to live and how many pacemakers he's had and how he was one of the first people to have "angel wings" used to close the hole between his top two chambers (not called that anymore--doctor sold the patent)...and we left the room arguing about how old he was when he collapsed at the golf course driving range and ended up in a wheelchair for a few months before the angel wings were put in at University of Minnesota hospital...

We do have some strange-to-other-people mother-son conversations--with a lot of laughing.

Then we went back to the waiting room to be called to see Dr. McCune.  My bloodwork looked good and he said I could make an appointment for a CTscan to be done in the three weeks before my next infusion.  We discussed the possibility of IF (a big if) the tumors did disappear whether I could stop the Keytruda treatments.  McCune said he would check into that with people who were more in my category.  Admitted he didn't know enough about stopping treatments if there were no tumors.  I like that he is open to suggestions and listens.

Then we waited there in the doctor's exam room for the next step--to be taken to the infusion center.

BUT--one set of tests hadn't come back yet on my bloodwork and another nurse came to tell me that I couldn't get my infusion.  The count that was low last time to where I almost couldn't get it, if you recall.  Well, this time it was even lower.  This has something to do with the ability to fight off infection.  Not the actual white blood cell count but something else.

Anyways, it is a good thing I had that feeling I should be in quarantine the last month or so and have been extra careful.  They don't want me catching anything--bad cold or whatever.  I'd have a hard time fighting it off.  

Anyways, the nurse (I am so bad at names but I have had her many times and she's a real sweetie--Kirsten maybe?) asked Dagan if he'd like a tour of the infusion center since I wouldn't be using it after all?  Sure!  So she brought us back and Dagan got treated like a rock star!  Was so funny!  All the big grins and welcomes!  Turns out someone said something to him about his heart--so David had filled everybody in apparently.  ROFL!  It was really sweet and funny, too.

After all, he truly IS one of those "miracle babies" all grown up and they still don't know why he has done so well.  Studying him now, actually.  When he was three months old and we got the diagnosis any kids with a similar series of defects usually died before they were two--most way before--and there was only one girl alive who was five who lived in France.  (I often wonder what happened to her.)  His heart was already three times the size and pushing into his lungs--and he had the tail ends of pneumonia.  They sent him home to be with me for a while--a day, a week...possibly a month.

Surprise!

The next time he was in the hospital he was 2 1/2!

His patched and re-patched up heart is still going strong and is totally and completely embedded in mine.  :)

Anyways, now I have to go back this Friday for bloodwork...and hopefully will be able to have an infusion.  No doctor visit this week.  Will just be a yes or no from the bloodwork. 

I have a tentative CTscan appointment on Monday the 9th of May.  Supposed to have a scan after my next infusion but I think I should have it regardless, of course.  If all goes well I will be then back on the every three week infusions.  All up in the air right now.

Dagan came in afterwards and did the tasks (trash, vacuuming, getting high up stuff).  We sat and chatted a bit--with our masks on.  Despite the bad news...it was just a wonderful day.  Still makes me smile to remember how the staff greeted Dagan like they did.  Even people I have had no contact with at all--LOL!  

We had rain--and that night we even had thunderstorms.

Been chilly and snowing and raining and melting.

When it snowed I put out more seed because the birds come a-flocking for a meal at the Critter Cafe.

On Saturday I finally tackled the stack of forms for Federal Housing I have been avoiding for a couple of weeks.  Went to make the many copies they want you to send with the paperwork and the printer isn't working.  Out of the blue.  Had just used it the week before.  So, Dagan is coming by after work tonight to see if he can fix the problem.  (Yes, he's back in the office every day now that the numbers are down and he has the new position--wears his mask, though, when he's around other people and not alone in his office--even if others don't.)

It was crazy warm on Saturday!  I saw 67 degrees at one point.  No rain--so I could open the patio door wide...and Annie went nuts!  She raced around the apartment for a little while how cats do and attacked her toys with vigor I haven't seen in a while.  

Honestly--made me cry.

Why?

Well, I haven't talked about this because it is just hard...but we figure Annie has been dealing with diabetes for a couple years now.  She suddenly was thirsty all the time and drinking more water than she ever had--and then hungry all the time, too, and eating more than she ever has...but still was getting thinner and thinner over time.  

Leah and I researched online and it appeared to be diabetes.  The best natural thing we could do was feed her raw meat and grain-free canned foods...which we did.  Probably why she has lasted this long.

Another sign is weakness, lethargy, and then they won't be able to jump up on furniture like they used to.  Finally they go into a coma.  Annie used to jump from the floor onto the arm of the chair to sit by me up until maybe a year and a half ago or so.  Then she started using the footrest to get up (half the height).  I noticed she was having to rock back and forth thinking about it before she jumped for a week or two before I got my booster shot.  She never once jumped up with me onto the chair while I was so sick from the shot...or since.

Now Annie is our strange, autistic, timid, rescue cat, as you know.  She doesn't like to be picked up.  She can only handle so much stimulation from petting or neck scratching--even though she purrs the whole time.  We thought she might live under my bed when Dagan and Leah brought her over about five years ago (after Karma died).  She was so miserable without her companion, Sammy, their other cat who recently died before Karma did.  (Sammy and Annie were sold together because they had bonded at the rescue center--I'm sure they thought shy, antisocial Annie would never get a home otherwise.)  

Annie was terrified of Ian from the time he was born and they had another scary little person on the way, too.  Annie hid all day and only came out after Ian was asleep.  She was never friendly, easily scared, didn't trust people, and was already somewhere around 11 or 12 years old.  So I agreed to take her...and they got Blink who is as opposite from Annie as you can imagine.  (So glad the boys have been able to grow up with a lovey cat who wasn't afraid of kids!)

Truth--even if I was rich and could afford to treat Annie for diabetes--honestly--I wouldn't do that to her.  Plus, she wouldn't let me, anyways.  One shot.  One pill down the throat.  I'd never get near her again and we would destroy all the trust and bonding we have slowly built up over the years.  She has learned to trust me as much as Annie is capable of trusting a human and she has been so happy here with this old lady in our quiet apartment.  She's probably 16, going on 17 years old.  I want her to live feeling happy and as safe as Annie can feel (which she does with me) for as long as she's got.  

But now it is a matter of waiting to have Annie tell me when it is time to go.  Makes me sad to think of bringing her to the vet (where she will be scared, trembling, and trying to disappear by making herself as small as possible...and I don't know how much comfort even I will be but I will be right there and I am the trusted human as much as she can trust).

All the barfing is also a symptom and that has increased over the past six months or so.  I am watching everything.  Waiting.  So that is why I cried when she raced through the apartment with the joy of a truly warm spring day (which disappeared by the next day--it's 28F right now BTW).

The good news is I have always let Annie come to me since she has always been one to run away and doesn't like to be picked up or held.  But now that she knows she can't trust herself to jump up on my chair anymore...but she misses me because she follows me every time I go to the bathroom just to get some neck scratches (her favorite) and a little petting...I offered to pick her up and put her on the chair before I raise the footrest.  She didn't understand at first--always mistrustful, she thought it was a ploy to capture her.  But she was curious enough to come closer each time.  Finally she was close enough for me to pick her up--stressful for Annie--but I released my hold right away after the footrest was up.  She didn't stay long but got in some neck scratches.

This has been going on for over a week--and now she knows the routine and she is staying a little longer.  If she wants to come up she knows she has to come close enough to the chair that I can reach her easily.  If she doesn't want to she stays out of reach.  But I offer to bring her up on the chair with me and she knows the routine now.  I don't even have to really keep hold of her once she's up while I am doing the footrest anymore the past few days.  So Annie and I do have a little snuggle time once again.  She doesn't stay as long as she used to.  New things make her nervous...but she also isn't feeling her old self, either, I don't think.  All her autistic tendencies with stimulation seem amped up.  She has to leave in a fairly short time but she is purring the whole time she is up here with me.

She's looking a little scruffier.  Her coat isn't as shiny.  She's losing a lot of fur this spring.  Not sure if it is more than normal, though--been harder to brush her.  So funny she has white whiskers on one side in her old age.  Notice her right ear--lost the tip of it from either frostbite or an aggressive male when she was a street cat in her youth.

So...part of my lack of motivation lately is not due to the Keytruda keeping me tired and listless...which it does.  This--Annie--has been on my mind and keeping my attention.  I'm spending as much cuddle time with her as she can handle and wants.  I filled Dagan in on Friday.  Leah is looking for a vet (we didn't like the place we were going to when Sammy and Karma died) who will be caring and gentle with a timid, timid cat.  We need to have a plan.  Any of you who know how this goes with pets--Annie could remain about the same for a while or go downhill rapidly...but I know she has gone past that point where she is going to get better, you know.  When she stopped being able to jump up on my chair...  

That was three weeks ago.  I don't want her to suffer.  She's a bit uncomfortable right now, but doesn't appear to be in any pain and is still active but slower and sleeping more--eating and drinking, peeing and pooping--all the things.  So we will have as many good days as possible before we have to say goodbye.  

In the meantime...Dagan will come after work to see if he can get my printer talking to my laptop again.  I have clothes to come out of the dryer.  I need to set up the small stack of letters on my desk so they are ready for some paper chats this week.  The snow is melted once again.  We're supposed to head back into the 40s tomorrow for the week.  Birds are eating on the patio.  Spring is trying to arrive still.  ;)

Wish me luck on Friday that I can get an infusion.  I need them till the tumors are gone, for sure.  I don't want the trajectory to change, you know?  Well, who would--LOL!  Thinking positive.  You all are a blessing to me.  Till next week...