Monday-1:45pm

I'm back, I guess.

Been a long week.

While I was sick I got a "daughter angel pin" from my folks.

They got one for me and one for my sister, Renee--who is doing much better with the kidney stones, BTW. They are still dissolving, but she has been off the pain pills for a while.

Thanks, Mom and Dad!

Since I don't really leave the house very often, I found a spot for it--

pushed it into a cardboard box that sits in my desk.

So, now I have another angel watching over me. :)

I have over twenty emails to respond to. Might take me a while to catch up. Thanks everybody for being patient with me while I recover. :)

Got back to the Cinch plan yesterday again. I am washing clothes today. Tomorrow I have my annual appointment with federal housing. Caroline is coming to clean and she is going to give me a ride uptown. Dagan is going to pick me up after work and bring me home. I am so grateful. Didn't really want to have a physical set-back before I am even back to my normal. (It's a three bus journey one way.)

I am glad to be back and am feeling much better. :)

Saturday-11am

I can't believe it is already Saturday! Time flies when you're miserable--hehe! I am still not up to snuff, but I have heard that this flu can leave you listless for up to a week. I'm pretty low energy in the first place--ROFL!

Monday night when I went shopping with Dagan it was a beautiful evening. Had been warm enough for water to be dripping off the eaves that day. Felt like spring. (Now it is back to cold and snowing the last couple days--that I have actually noticed--ha!)

Big thing for me was I ordered the Cuisinart (above) that I have been saving for since October at Bed, Bath & Beyond. It is being shipped via FedEx and is due to arrive on Tuesday--tada! I am so excited--and will post actual photos, of course.

Big thing for Miss Karma is that her treat drawer is full again and she got some new dry and canned foods (that CashWise doesn't carry).

The rest of the trip was buying up the stuff that you have to (toilet paper, paper towels, kleenex, etc) at Target. I did get some cans of "my coffee" though--my one UN-neccessity.

After 2 1/2 hours of shopping--I was shot. Couldn't sleep at all Monday night--too sore and generally miserable. Shakey, dizzy, headache, hurt everywhere, nauseous, and threw up Tuesday morning. Didn't know I had the actual flu, tho--(can feel like that just from pain and lack of sleep)--until I had slept again and was still nauseous and sleep didn't make it better. Pretty sad that I didn't even know I was "sick-sick" for the first day or so--chuckle! With Fibromyalgia--well, you always have that all over body ache like you are coming down with the flu and activity makes it worse--it's hard to tell.

Well, that is totally it for today. I am on the mend--a slower mend than I would have hoped--but I am on the mend. :)

Thursday-7pm

Feeling better day by day. Still not really functional yet. Later...

Wednesday-4:30pm

New pictures of Dagan and Leah's house.

I have been sick since yesterday and will post more when I am feeling better.

Monday-1:15pm

So--what have I been doing SINCE New Year's Eve? chuckle!

I decided to move the easel. I had put it there after Gracie's bird cage left and that spot looked like a blank hole I should use somehow for art.

I only use the easel for acrylics and oils--and I am not doing that right now. It has just been sitting there for the past six months. So, I put it in the storage area.

Drug out an old rectangular folding table (have two actually) that I have used for crafts and many things over the years--to try something. It is four feet long and a little too wide for the spot, but it is a great idea. I have decided to get a folding art table--on sale till end of February!

I also decided I needed an "inspiration wall" once I pinned up the real paintings I got from Barbara and Haiying. So, I printed off a few online pictures of Haiying's and Barbara's paintings (hope you ladies don't mind?)--and a couple of pictures of Kio--just because I like them--hehe! I will probably find some more--switch them up, you know? Take some down and put others up--depending on what I am working on.

Now that is an inspirational wall, isn't it? Hopefully--over time--I will replace them with MY OWN paintings--hehe! Thanks Ladies!!

Below is the folding art table I want to buy. It can be raised from 29-53"--so can be used sitting or standing. (Leah prefers to stand and I might like to on occasion, too.) You can tilt it like a drafting table from 0-45 degrees! That will be wonderful for watercolors! 30 X 42 inches--so it will fit perfectly in that spot and give me a fairly large table space.

This means I will not have to tear down and set up--back and forth and back and forth--to do different projects!! I am so excited! I can keep the art table out for painting. I have the wood table by the window set up for birthday cards right now--(still--hehe!)--and can leave that up until I am finished--tada!! Happy, happy me!

Let's see--what else? I started the Cinch plan (for about three and a half weeks) on the 4th after I got my grocery delivery. Dagan and Leah had been trying it--Dagan quit. He liked the chocolate and Leah liked the vanilla. They gave me his leftover chocolate powder last month.

You make a shake for two meals and eat one healthy meal and healthy snacks. I ordered a bunch of Lean Cuisines, which I never buy (too expensive for me)--and low calorie snack bars, carrots, yogurt, nuts, etc, to snack on. At least I am starting out healthier this year--hehe!

Last Friday I had the great visit with Maria! We always have a wonderful time visiting.

Yesterday Leah and her friend, Amber, came by to work on designing Amber's wedding invitations. They were here the better part of the day while I washed clothes. I think it is really going to be a pretty little invitation! :) They really did a good job thinking this up!

Leah has been swamped with work calls, so she can't take me shopping today and might not be able to come over to do crafts on Wednesday, either? Dagan is coming by after work to bring me shopping. And in the meantime--I have to haul out a stack of things to the dumpster and the garage. (The little Christmas tree is coming down early this year--hehe! I often have it up into February, to be honest--just love Christmas, you know!) So--I had best get moving... :)

Sunday-3pm

Last shots from the New year's Eve table!

I got the white heart-shaped plate with the raised angels and roses on from Denise. :)

I have always used it to hold smudge sticks.

Smudging is supposed to clear away negative energy. I may forget to use them most of the time, but every time I have moved in the past dozen years or so I have smudged the entire place before I moved in.

I didn't use them on New Year's Eve--just felt they had been ignored and brought them to the table.

I have a huge crystal that was a kind of mysterious gift, as far as I'm concerned.

When I was living in a duplex in Rogers I came home from work one day and saw a big ugly rock sitting in the dirt--right in the corner where the driveway met the sidewalk. It was a dirt corner--where plants had once been long ago--and nothing was ever there before but a flat patch of dirt and the occasional forgotten toy. I noticed the rock as I walked past it--but got this sudden overwhelming feeling I was supposed to go back and pick it up. (I have learned to pay attention to those feelings.)
The rock was dirty inside and out, but I saw a few sparkles hidden beneath the black dirt.
Took it inside and washed it off with water and a toothbrush...

...and was awed by this beautiful stone!!

I asked the kids who lived downstairs if they had brought a rock over by the driveway and sidewalk--nope.

I was like it was dropped from the heavens? Love it!!

The crystal in the front of the next picture is the biggest one I have ever purchased. I love it! Has so many pieces jutting this way and that. Has really good energy!

The long crystal wand behind it was a gift from Lynnette. I can't remember the name of that stone--started with an S.

The three spheres up in the corner (forgot to get a closeup of them) are different stones. The largest one is a regular crystal with what looks like a tiny red butterfly inside of it--made from natural flecks of some stone?

I saw this red crystal ball (below) at Rosedale in Minneapolis. Couldn't afford it, but I asked if I could pick it up and hold it in the store. It felt like it vibrated in my hands!!! (Still does!) I know it is a man-made crystal, but I really wished I could get it. I finally had the money and went back a month or two later. Figured if it was meant to be mine it would still be there. It was! And it was the same one that vibrated in my hands with the defect line (not too noticeable). The lady told me that they only ever had one large red ball. It has always felt special to me.

So--here's a shot of the crystals and stones--just a general overview of what was on the table.

I also love the one in the foreground--as it is blue and white.

The one in the middle is kind of pink and white.

And I have a few smaller crystals--and the hearts in the front.

Can't tell I like stones, eh? I used to carry small stones that I had found here and there around in my pockets when I was a kid--and later as an adult, to be honest.

I have always been attracted to hematite. When I heard that it is a calming, grounding stone--I used to buy them up by the handful and give them away to people. Used to carry them in my uniforms and work clothes--at many, many jobs over the years. Also gave away the little pweter "angel in your pockets", too. Gave away quite a few of those at the two colleges I went to up here in Fargo/Moorhead.

So--there you have it! Yup--I'm still a Flower Child. :)

Now I'll have to catch you up with the daily stuff next time. Have a good one!

Saturday-11:45am

Okay--back to the New Year's Eve table--hehe!

This is almost like having a real conversation with me! I go off on tangents telling stories and may or may not get back to the subject--ROFL!!

The Tibetan Monks and the mandala sand.....

First of all, here is a link to show you pictures of that process:

http://www.artnetwork.com/Mandala/gallery.html

It was amazing! Talk about patience! I used to stop by inbetween classes and just watch them. You didn't talk to them, of course. You could stand and watch more closely or sit and watch from a few feet away. I was there a lot. Just such a good feeling being around them--used to sometimes just close my eyes and listen to the metallic rubbing of the sand tubes.

I was around so much and went to anything they had--various talks, music demonstrations, hung around the table where they sold things--that they got used to seeing me around. When they gave away half of the sand in these tiny plastic bags after they destroyed the mandala, I waited to be at the end of the line so that I could ask them if I could have some extra sand so that I could give some to my son. They smiled and gave me an extra bag of sand for Dagan--filled them both really full! He did the clasping of my hands with both hands that always felt like a blessing.

The monks had a ceremony later (I had a class and missed this one--the only event I missed) where they poured the rest of the mandala sand into the pond on campus. They energize the sand to be a healing agent for the earth, as I understood it. Water cycles from land to air and back--all over the earth--so they put it into water--sending off that healing energy. What a beautiful concept. The earth needs it--that is true!

I wanted to find something small and appropriate that I could keep the sand in--something special. I discovered this small container that looks like it is made of amber. Seemed perfect! It was near the center of the Tibetan cloth on New Year's Eve.

It was difficult for me to get a shot so that you could click and enlarge and see the rainbow of colored sand--but I think I finally got one!

My friend Jennifer (from MSUM writing classes and the student writing group we used to have at my apartment in Moorhead while we were in college) was going to this shop in Bismarck, North Dakota one time and told me they had pendulums there made of crystals and stones, etc. I asked her to pick me out a clear crystal pendulum.

She called me from the store and told me they had these wooden ones that were hollow inside and had a cap. I knew right away that I could put some of the sacred sand inside of it! Cool! So I had her get me two of them. Thank you, Jennifer! I don't let anybody else use this wooden pendulum.

And here is the crystal one Jennifer picked out.

The one I have had for many years is made of brass. I don't clean it. Don't want to disturb the energy, I guess.

And what do we use pendulums for? Actually--to pick cards or rune stones (the white ones).

The Angelic Messenger cards are way too large to shuffle. For years I shuffled them by laying them all over a table and swirling them around. That takes up a lot of room, for one thing. Tried to pick by instinct, warmth, tingling of the hands...whatever. And you can do it that way, of course--I did for many years.



What we found was easier was to kind of give the cards a little side-shuffle and then just split them up into three piles. Then use the pendulum to tell what pile the card is in. Split that pile up...and so on--until you are down to one card.

The pendulum will swing in a circle when it likes a pile or card.



We also used pendulums in the Healing Touch classes I went to at St. Catherine's in Minneapolis. We used them to determine whether chakras were blocked or not.



Seems like a bunch of hokus pokus at first--but I was won over. Besides--you can't possibly pick a bad angel card--hehe!



The last thing I have to show you from New Year's Eve is my crystals. And, of course, I have a story about the biggest one...:)

Friday-11:15am

Since I have company coming soon, I will make this shorter today and just show you the burning bowl "ceremony".

First you kind of get quiet and think about the things you want to send off as wishes/requests/prayers to The Universe/God. You write them down on a piece of paper.

Then fold the papers up. You could have one or however many you want. When we do this is a group, you don't tell anybody what you have written down. I suppose you could. It's not a rule or anything. But it just seems such a private thing, you know?

You pick up a piece of paper--read it--and think about it for a while.
Then you burn it --sending the words inside of the smoke off to the heavens.
When we are in a group, we usually take turns and go around the circle.

My burning bowl is copper.

When we first started doing this--we used to make two separate piles. One for the things we wanted to be rid of or release or wanted taken away--and then one for what you wanted brought to you. I think that is kind of how I learned it? (Was in a Women's Spiritual Group in Minneapolis.) Might have been derived from American Indian practices?

We decided that was too negative. You can re-word things to have a positive spin--even when it is things you want taken away, you know? It is better to word it as what you want to have in your life--so you aren't even thinking or concentrating on the other, you know? Power of postive thinking and positive visualization!
I also just put down things I am grateful for. Like sending thank yous up to heaven. :)

It is a nice way to greet the year.

Dagan and Leah love the burning bowl and want to do it every time we get together for Sacred Circle. That's fine with me. :)

Well, I finished! Maria is coming over today. She was my Spanish teacher at Concordia College. We became friends and visit once in a while.

More tomorrow...

Thursday-11:30am

Interruption on the pictures from the New Year's Eve table!

New pictures of Dagan and Leah's house going up!

I wonder what it looks like now?

It always takes me a couple of days to get the pictures. :)

Those guys look cold!

Have to go--CashWise is coming soon! :)

Wednesday-10:45am

This is the side of the table where I gathered all my "stuff" for proper energizing--hehe!

The first thing I did was pick up the singing bowl. The sound that came out of it was absolutely amazing! I have never heard it sing quite like that before! It rang and rang after I stopped--with a kind of pulsing bell-like sound. Since it sounded so wonderful (don't ask Karma for her opinion), I decided to play ALL my sound making "stuff".

I can't exactly get a picture of me using the singing bowl. I hold it with my left hand on the bottom of the bowl and then use my right hand to run the stick around the outside of the bowl. This bowl may not be much to look at, but it has always had a great sound to it. I picked it for the sound tone and not for the appearance. Each bowl is hand made and so each bowl sounds different and has a different tone. Bought it in a Tibetan shop in Uptown in Minneapolis about 16 years ago.

My chime is a very high, hurt-your-ears chime. Actually bought this one online. I like it but have to strike it gently. It is better to be able to hear these kind of items before you purchase them--obviously.

The Tibetan Ting Shaws I also picked for sound. Dagan bought them for me years ago in Minneapolis at a shop down by Lake Harriet. I have no idea what the symbols/characters mean on them. They had plain ones, ones with dragons on, and ones with symbols on. These just had the best sound--to my ear, anyways.

I can ring them holding them in one hand (as below) or holding them by the leather cord at the very base of the bell, hold them upsidedown, and them tap them together at the rim. I have seen them struck both ways. And a good Ting Shaw will vibrate for a long time after it is struck, even when you are holding by the cord at the base, I was told. Mine do--they're wonderful.

And finally I rang my Tibetan bell. (You can imagine Karma's annoyance--but she was too fascinated to leave her spot by the table--wanted to see what was going on, of course. But wouldn't turn around in the chair untl the noise was over and done with--hehe!)

I bought this at the same Tibetan shop in Uptown. I used to work at Uptown Pets as an assistant manager years ago on Lake and Hennipen and this shop was above the ground floor stores on Lake. You had to climb a long flight of narrow stairs to get up there. It always smelled of incense.

Incense! I forgot to light some incense--oh well.

I picked the bell by sound, also. The tiny woman who worked there showed me how you could ring the bell with the clapper--but, if it was a good bell, you could use the same stick as I use for the singing bowl, hold the bell firmly upright, and run the stick around the outside of the bottom rim of the bell, and it would also sing. Mine does. I have a harder time doing that anymore since I have the bad left arm--can't grip. So, on New Year's Eve--just rang it...with the hand-tied clapper.

Okay! There! All the various sound making stuff.

There's something about the vibrations--you can feel them in your body. They feel like they physically lift my spirits up. Hard to describe. But I can see why they use them for religious ceremonies--just feel spiritual to me.

I remember listening to the Tibetan monks when they visited at Concordia College several years ago. They were all doing that chanting where they can do more than one note at the same time in the back of their throats. I have heard it on cassettes before--but there is no comparison to live! The vibrations that they create with their throats--well, it is kind of like the bells or the singing bowl--but moreso. I was up in the balcony and I could feel the vibration throughout my entire body! I felt lifted--lighter--peaceful....very hard to describe the experience.

Those men were the kindest, sweetest, gentlest, most loving human beings I have ever met. The monks exude this energy--a beautiful, loving energy--all the time. It was the most wonderful thing to see them laugh and smile.

And then watching the concentration and planning involved in constructing a sand mandala for three days--wow! And then they just destroyed it! To demonstrate how nothing material lasts in this life.

I stood in line to get some of the blessed mandala sand--and that was on my table, too, on New Year's Eve. Show you more tomorrow. :)

Cogitation--Self-Worth

"A bar of iron costs $5, made into horseshoes its worth is $12, made into needles its worth is $3500, made into balance springs for watches, its worth is $300, 000. Your own value is determined also by what you are able to make of yourself."

Unknown Source

That seemed like an appropriate quote regarding self-worth. I went back to January 2007 on my blog and last New Year's Eve I had picked the "Self-Worth" card, too! Now that is just too weird!! And I could have sworn I picked that same card when Dagan and Leah were here on Christmas Eve? I didn't write it down, tho. So--I guess The Universe is trying to tell me something and I have to start thinking about self-worth on a deeper level.

I aspire to horseshoes...

Often people are fooled by those of us who can chat with a smile, make you laugh, and appear to be able to hold our own meeting new people and in new situations--into thinking we are filled with self-confidence and that we might actually "know our worth" in this world. In my case, at least, that is not true. The consistently good and maybe worthwhile thing I know about myself is that, except for a few brief periods of time scattered throughout my life, I have kept trying and kept pushing myself to be a better person. That is a good thing. But--what motivated me, of course, was the very fact that I don't think I am ever quite good enough, you know?

I do know I have made some inner, spiritual progress--learned some hard lessons--over my 56 years. So, in some ways I think I am probably worth more as a human being now than I used to believe I was. I do really love humanity--human beings--on a spiritual level. So much so that my heart swells up and comes dripping out my eyes sometimes. And animals. And the earth. But I have had a hard time loving some of those people in the flesh--in real daily life--up close and personal. Bosses, neighbors, lovers....

They have had a hard time loving me, too, I guess.

I still have so much to learn--to heal inside of me...

I wonder a lot about why I have all the health issues--why I am overweight (and have struggled with my weight all my life)--why I was so unsuccessful in love. Those aspects make me wonder if I have just plain failed--am a big old failure--in all those areas. Those are the parts of me that feel the most worthless--the parts of me that hang their heads in shame...

Yet I do have parts of me that I am proud of and think I do quite well with. And there are things others fret over and regret that I do not.

I am a dichotomy--contradiction--paradox--enigma. A convergence of opposites--a labyrinth of thoughts and emotions. Get a shovel! Drop breadcrumbs!

Maybe it is because I have always tried to be painfully honest with myself--to see all the black, nasty things hiding inside myself. I try not to shy away from those parts of myself. It is hard work. (As human beings, we are absolutely gifted when it comes to self-denial.) I have been honest with others about those parts of myself, too. Probably moreso than most people--I have learned that is true. But--just because you can see your own dark side and even point it out--confess it--to others, doesn't magically eliminate that darkness within you.

Looking back, I seem to have spent most of my life digging, shoveling, shining bright lights in dark places--unearthing those broken parts of myself. I feel like I have tried to work on healing those parts, too--especially the last 14 years that I have spent alone--but I really question how much actual progress I have made in all those years. ???? Here I am today--unhealthy, overweight, and I never did find my soulmate. (Not for want of looking and believing--until 1993--hehe!)

Self-worth.

Self-worth?

I need to think more on this--cogitate. :)

I have decided that I want to be less guarded and bland on my blog. Be more my true self, I guess. I will occasionally think out loud online. No idea how often--but I will label these entries "cogitation". If you like this new aspect or have a remark--please leave a comment. :)

Till next time--Happy New Year!

New Year's Day- Tuesday- noon

Happy New Year!!

I am going to be showing pictures for a couple of days.

Today I'll show the Angelic Messenger Cards and the Healing Runes.

Once a year I gather up all my crystals and different objects from around the apartment that need a dose of good energy (some of them a good dusting--hehe!)

This year I didn't forget to take down the very colorful cloth off my bedroom wall that I bought from the Tibetan monks (now in India, of course) when they visited several years ago at Concordia College. I think it might actually be a ceremonial cloth?

Actually, first I drove Karma crazy with all my bells, chime, and singing bowl. I'll show you close ups of those tomorrow.

The pinkish book is the Angelic Messenger Cards book. I did those first.

This year I had a very specific question to ask. I usually just ask in general what I am supposed to focus on or what I need to know--and I kind of ended up getting an answer to that, too, anyways. :)

My question was about whether I should take a my friend Lynnette's Amazon parrot, Rascal, or not--as she wants to find a home for him when they move and asked me if I would take him because she knows how I love birds. She has a cockatiel, also--but I knew I didn't want another cockatiel. I am a sucker for parrots, though!!

These are what the angel cards look like--each one has a flower on it.
They are very positive, uplifting cards.

I ended up with "Self-Worth"....

...and that is the same card I got last time Dagan, Leah, and I did them. I had bookmarked it!
Obviously--a lesson I still need to learn, eh?

The card has to do with not giving away your inner power--
not breaking down your own sense of well-being--
"This card is suggesting that you will do well to make sure you stay in your own power even when others have expectations of your fixing their lives."

"You are responsible primarily for developing your own spiritual capacity..."
"Self-worth is the basis for spiritual advancement."

Since I had gotten this card last time, I wanted something clearer for an answer.
So, I decided to do the Healing Runes--also very positive. This version has no real negatives. I know it is not using them in the "proper" old Celtic way, but I like this book because it is so positive.

The book came with this set of runes-below.

But I was in the mood to use my sparkly set.
I have to reach into the bag to choose these because you can see through half of them (not that I have them memorized--hehe!) The bags didn't come with them, by the way. They were both gifts. :)

Since I had a specific question, I decided to use the five stone layout...

...and this is what I drew.

There's a handy graph inside the cover that tells you what page to find each stone.

These look very different in the pictures with different lighting and background, don't they?

Anyways, the runes gave me a more difinitive answer.

They made me admit denials--reminded me to work on healing myself--to be grateful for my present serenity...

I should be working on "healing of body, mind, and heart."

"Show compassion for yourself."

The boundaries rune had a lot to say:

"Respect and protection for your feelings, your health and your well-being are almost always at issue when you receive the Rune of Boundaries."

"..the time has come to provide yourself with healthy and appropriate Boundaries within which you can heal."

"Perhaps the challenge you are now facing requires the courage to say no to something that no longer has a place in your life."

"Receiving this Rune is a reminder to run a reality check."

It is true. My life has been a lot more peaceful and serene since I found a place for Miss Gracie (my cockatiel). And since then, I have hit menopause full force and am dealing with annoying bouts of insomnia. None of that would be conducive to bringing another bird into my home. I did not like "...that no longer has a place in your life"!! No more birds!!??

But--I love birds--especially parrots!! I still miss my African Greys--I can just think about them and it is like a hole in my heart. (Found an excellent home for them in Minneapolis before I moved here.) I have taken in many birds in my day--and found homes for a lot of birds, too. Many of the birds didn't like me to begin with--including both my Greys. (Rascal doesn't like me--or really anybody but Lynnette). Gracie never liked me, or any other human being, for that matter, and I kept her for over four years. Because I was afraid of where she'd end up when she didn't like humans, you know? (Turned out I found a great place for her where she could have the feathered boyfriend like she wanted.)

It is true--my life has never been as peaceful and calm as it has been since I moved to Fargo--and especially since Gracie (and her constant screeching and threatening) left, to be honest. Serenity is a good thing. I am worthy of peace and quiet and working on my own health, I guess. I do need to keep working on my own healing and my spiritual side. Stress and Fibro are a bad combination--true. I just always think I can handle things, you know?

Sorry, Lynnette. I can't take Rascal. :(

I knew it was true--even if I didn't want to hear it.

More pictures tomorrow from the New Year's Eve table.