Tuesday, January 01, 2008


"A bar of iron costs $5, made into horseshoes its worth is $12, made into needles its worth is $3500, made into balance springs for watches, its worth is $300, 000. Your own value is determined also by what you are able to make of yourself."
Unknown Source

That seemed like an appropriate quote regarding self-worth. I went back to January 2007 on my blog and last New Year's Eve I had picked the "Self-Worth" card, too! Now that is just too weird!! And I could have sworn I picked that same card when Dagan and Leah were here on Christmas Eve? I didn't write it down, tho. So--I guess The Universe is trying to tell me something and I have to start thinking about self-worth on a deeper level.

I aspire to horseshoes...

Often people are fooled by those of us who can chat with a smile, make you laugh, and appear to be able to hold our own meeting new people and in new situations--into thinking we are filled with self-confidence and that we might actually "know our worth" in this world. In my case, at least, that is not true. The consistently good and maybe worthwhile thing I know about myself is that, except for a few brief periods of time scattered throughout my life, I have kept trying and kept pushing myself to be a better person. That is a good thing. But--what motivated me, of course, was the very fact that I don't think I am ever quite good enough, you know?

I do know I have made some inner, spiritual progress--learned some hard lessons--over my 56 years. So, in some ways I think I am probably worth more as a human being now than I used to believe I was. I do really love humanity--human beings--on a spiritual level. So much so that my heart swells up and comes dripping out my eyes sometimes. And animals. And the earth. But I have had a hard time loving some of those people in the flesh--in real daily life--up close and personal. Bosses, neighbors, lovers....

They have had a hard time loving me, too, I guess.

I still have so much to learn--to heal inside of me...

I wonder a lot about why I have all the health issues--why I am overweight (and have struggled with my weight all my life)--why I was so unsuccessful in love. Those aspects make me wonder if I have just plain failed--am a big old failure--in all those areas. Those are the parts of me that feel the most worthless--the parts of me that hang their heads in shame...

Yet I do have parts of me that I am proud of and think I do quite well with. And there are things others fret over and regret that I do not.

I am a dichotomy--contradiction--paradox--enigma. A convergence of opposites--a labyrinth of thoughts and emotions. Get a shovel! Drop breadcrumbs!

Maybe it is because I have always tried to be painfully honest with myself--to see all the black, nasty things hiding inside myself. I try not to shy away from those parts of myself. It is hard work. (As human beings, we are absolutely gifted when it comes to self-denial.) I have been honest with others about those parts of myself, too. Probably moreso than most people--I have learned that is true. But--just because you can see your own dark side and even point it out--confess it--to others, doesn't magically eliminate that darkness within you.

Looking back, I seem to have spent most of my life digging, shoveling, shining bright lights in dark places--unearthing those broken parts of myself. I feel like I have tried to work on healing those parts, too--especially the last 14 years that I have spent alone--but I really question how much actual progress I have made in all those years. ???? Here I am today--unhealthy, overweight, and I never did find my soulmate. (Not for want of looking and believing--until 1993--hehe!)



I need to think more on this--cogitate. :)

I have decided that I want to be less guarded and bland on my blog. Be more my true self, I guess. I will occasionally think out loud online. No idea how often--but I will label these entries "cogitation". If you like this new aspect or have a remark--please leave a comment. :)

Till next time--Happy New Year!


FRANKYE said...


I like the "cogitation" idea and I like what you wrote. Although I only know you by online communication and reading most of your blog entries, I think that you are a delightful person. You are full of great ideas, constantly show your love for your son and his wife, and work very hard to improve your outlook and life.

You have learned some fine skills for dealing with your health issues and have shared those helpful ideas with me. You approach your days with good energy for your intended projects - and you complete them!

Be a bit kinder to yourself...you deserve it!

Rita said...

Thank you, Frankye!
I guess I need to be kinder to myself "inside". My body has forced me to be kinder to my "outside" (physical) self--hehe! Now I need to work on the rest, I guess. :)