Saturday-5:15am

Sometimes it takes a little head butting, but Miss Karma can make herself a pillow anyplace.

What a strange trip yesterday. Turned out I didn't get out the door until nearly noon. It was already so hot out I planned to just drive over and get my gas so I could use my coupons and drive home. On the way up 42nd St they had the traffic down to one lane, but that was going on last time I was out on Wednesday. I got my gas and headed for home.

Got down 42nd St toward 32nd Ave (two main crossroads a few blocks from my apartment complex) and the entire street was closed--completely closed off. ??? They were directing everyone to turn left--so I did. We all just wandered around like a caravan on these back roads where nothing has been built yet--trying to get over to 32nd to see if we could detour south from that point. Completely blocked off up at 32nd Ave. ??? Who blocks off main thoroughfares--four lane roads--two lanes each direction--with no warning and no way to divert the traffic? Couldn't see any flashing lights--no accident or anything?? The wandering caravan of perplexed cars ended up back at 42nd St and going right back north the way we came from. I couldn't get home.

So I drove back up toward the big mall and all the shopping centers and stores up on 13th Ave.--wondering what to do. I pulled into the Target parking lot and just sat there a minute to decide what to do or where to go. My phone rang and it was my friend Ruby in Wisconsin. Couldn't have been more perfect timing. (I don't answer when I am driving--hehe!) Since I don't really have money to spend outside of my budgeted money, I really didn't want to go into Target and buy nothing, you know? (Not even sure I even could get out of there without buying at least a bottle of water!) So I decided to go over to Dagan and Leah's. Even if nobody was home, I have a key. Said bye to Ruby and off I went.

Soooo hot--melting hot!! Glad to be driving again just to have air moving in the windows--hehe! I chuckled to myself as I weaved an unfamiliar route to the freeway thinking--good thing I got gas so I could drive around town and waste some! At least I didn't have to worry about running out, eh?

I may have lived up here for ten years but I didn't have a car. I walked and rode the buses the six years I lived in Moorhead. And since I moved to Fargo I have only left my apartment once every month or two with somebody else driving--mostly Leah--and we were usually just going up to 13th Ave to shop at Target, the crafts stores, etc. So I really honestly don't know my way around this area up here very well. I know Moorhead better than Fargo because at least I knew the bus routes.

PLUS--I am one of those people with no sense of direction who has to have been to the same place at least half a dozen times before they remember how to get there--hehe! Maybe it was from not learning to drive till I was 30 years old? I never learned to remember or pay attention to how to get to places because I never needed to know. I knew some of the bus routes in Minneapolis, tho. You can spin me around in a circle and I'd be lost. No lie!

Anyways, I made it to the freeway (that's my route I know) and went over to Dagan and Leah's place in West Fargo. Dagan was home. He works half days on Fridays. Leah was working for the tooth guy so I never saw her. Dagan showed me this horrible, bloody game where he has to save the human beings and kill the zombies. What a way to relax after work, eh? We had a nice visit--so that was the silver lining. :) They had gaming that night, so I left and got home about 4pm. Went the long way around to be on the safe side, but it was open by rush hour--as I expected.

Who would have ever thought I'd be gone all afternoon just to run over and get gas?!

Oh--I watched another DVD of episodes of Weeds and I still have very mixed feelings about it. Not sure if I like it or not. ??? Parts make me snicker--but parts make me cringe. I'm afraid the cringing parts might be winning. :(

I haven't gotten to Pillars for a couple of days. I'm having Medieval withdrawal! Today I rest and read--glad I don't have any short trips planned--hehe! :)

Friday-7am

Here are pictures from the papermaking session on Wednesday. Directly above the green chair is the shredder and my piles of shredded red paper are on the table ready for the blender.

This is the overview of our new setup. Kind of work our way down to the white folding table where the new damp paper is laid (holds 14 sheets). We now just keep recycling the water in the tub until we change paper color. You can see the videos on Soulcomfort's Video Corner (upper left on the blog).
Dagan stopped by for lunch. :)
Nuked himself something to eat.

It was sooo hot! When the sun was on their deck the couch papers were dry in less than an hour so we could make a second round of fourteen sheets. 28 sheets! I still can't believe that we made that many in one day! Much more efficient system. Awesome!

Then yesterday (when Leah brought me my memory card for my camera and I gave hers back) Leah worked on my laundry cart. She used toothpicks and wood glue to repair the wheels. I am leaving it in the hallway for a couple of days to dry.

All the weight is on the back wheels when I lift the cart to bring it up and out over the carpeting. Those were the wheels that broke when I didn't lift the back end and thought I could roll them over the carpet ridge.

So--I am going to put the repaired wheels in the front now when I load it up again...and hope for the best. :)

The mystery package arrived yesterday and it was my replacement plate--tada! In one piece! shipped with styrofoam around the inside of the box this time. :):)

Leah and I had a long discussion about her opening an Etsy account. I think that's a great idea!

http://www.etsy.com

Everything they sell is handmade on Etsy. We've discussed it before and Dagan thinks it's a good idea, too. What the heck! Now that all the papermaking supplies are over at her place and Leah can make paper whenever she wants to...she's thinking of selling handmade paper cards and envelopes. Just to see if it is worth the time and effort--dealing with mailing and the website and such, you know?

It is so much fun making paper. Especially when you're not mass producing a hundred sheets at a time. But she sure know how to mass produce them when she wants to--hehe! This way she could do both. Mass produce for sets of cards and also make individual, unique cards. I agree that she should try it. :)

And if I wanted to sell one of my handmade journals or cards or bookcards once in a while--she said I could just sell them on her site. I've always thought it would be a fun idea to have an Etsy account myself, but my output would be so low and unpredictable I didn't think it would be worth it for me. This would be great!

Leah loves to make paper and cards, but doesn't really need but a handful herself. She is not a letter-writer, either. This way she can make as many as she wants! :)

And I love making journals, but I don't need any more for myself. I have plenty! Haven't even been painting or sketching in journals for maybe maybe a year now? Guess I'm due for a rotation in that direction, eh? At my rate of productivity I'd probably be lucky to make 3 or 4 a year, to be honest. But at least I could feel free to make more sketchbook journals!! And somebody could actually put them to good use instead of them waiting patiently on a shelf here for snail master to show up--chuckle!

And I've been wanting to try 90 lb. watercolor paper...hummm? :):)

Anyways, I am back on days!! Ahhh! And speaking of my bookcards--finished three of them yesterday that I have to get down to the mailman this morning. :)

Miss Karma says hi.

My second video should be finished uploading by now on youtube. The sun is shining. Supposed to be another scorcher today (mid-90s again!) and I have to go get gas for the car (coupons to use) so I suppose I should get moving before it has climbed into the 80s by mid-morning.

Stay cool! :):)

Thursday-6:30am

A gorgeous prairie morning this morning!

On the way to Leah's in the morning I stopped at Bed, Bath and Beyond and got my top sheet and pillow cases. Complete new bedding for me--tada! You know how I like variety...might have to build on this fresh start--hehe! I've never had variety in bedding--hummm....

Oh! A few months ago Ruby told me about an artist lady who used cat whiskers for fine lines in paintings. I told her that in all my years with all my cats I had never noticed a stray cat whisker. She said she finds them every so often and would look for me.

Lo and behold--Karma left two whiskers on her chair throw in a matter of days! I was surprised to find one--let alone two. How could I have had cats most of my life and not found one shed whisker? Do you think Miss Karma read my mind and obliged me? After all--she does understand English better than I do cat--ROFL!!

Anyways, I grabbed a container to put these odd treasures in...
...and will have to try painting a thin line with them one day, of course. I would think watercolors would be just perfect! :)

I don't have the pictures or the videos from our papermaking session yesterday. :( I ran out of room on my camera. Dagan and Leah have the newer version of the same camera so she lent me their memory card to make our second video--but then I forgot my memory card over there last night. Leah made 28 sheets of red paper!! That is the most we have ever made in one day. This new system works very efficiently--obviously! I'll show you tomorrow. :)

Leah has some shopping to do today so she'll bring the memory card over and I can post the pictures of our new papermaking set-up tomorrow. I'll probably get the new youtube videos up later tonight, too. We'll see. :)

It was soooo hot that it felt like your bare feet were burning on Leah's deck yesterday! (We were drying paper outside in the sun on the deck.) Mid 90's or higher--I never did hear exactly--but by later in the evening it was still 95 degrees when I got home--arg! Melting weather! Today is supposed to be a little cooler--whatever that means--hehe! Definitely AC for me!

I had gotten a notice in the mail about a UPS delivery back on the 6th that I missed?? (Not sure why--I was home? And why didn't I get the usual sticky pad notice instead of a card much later in the regular mail?) Anyways, I called them Monday when I got the notice and the lady said they'd deliver it on Tuesday. Of course they never delievered it. I was gone all day yesterday and they came, of course. It did say first attempt--so I hope they are coming back today (got a sticky pad notice--a good sign?). I am wondering if this might not be the replacement plate I haven't received? Hopefully I'll find out today. :)

UPS has been kind of off lately. New employees. Smashed packages. Hummm? Aren't there supposed to be people waiting in line for jobs? You'd think the ones who were employed would be extra efficient at their jobs, you know? Go figure. Maybe they have cut employee numbers and they are overworked? Maybe that's it?

Well, definitely an R&R day today for me. A good day to get lost in the Middle Ages again. Boy--do I miss the days where I could really get lost in time and read till my eyes were crossing and lids drooping. But if I have to take it 1-2 hours at a stretch--I'm there!! :):)


Have a great day!!

Wednesday-7:30am

Hot up here! Supposed to be mid-90's for the next several days. :( Karma loves sleeping out on the porch in this heat. Phew!!

Yesterday my bedding order arrived!!! Can't remember if I told you that--because I could spread the payments out over four months--I ordered a summer and a winter quilt or coverlet and a bed skirt. :)
So I washed them up yesterday to get the smell and the creases out of them.

Thought I'd show you the summer look (above) and the winter look (below).

I didn't want to splurge enough to buy pillow shams because I wouldn't really use them anyways...

...but when I made up the bed I almost wished I had--hehe! Not practical, tho.

I have had the same rose bedspread for about ten years. It is too hot for me to use in the summer so I have just been using a light blanket every summer. Wow! Now I will have actual bedding for the summer--woohoo! This is definitely a luxury purchase for me. I am grateful to LinenSource.com for the four month payment plan on their sale catalog! It feels like Christmas over here. :)

Having your bedspread trim shredding and your sheets falling apart with holes can be a motivator, I guess. I bought a new cream colored bottom sheet at Bed, Bath and Beyond last month. So this month I plan to buy the top sheet and pillowcases. Completely new bedding--wow! Love BB&B's 20% off coupons!

Caroline came and cleaned yesterday. She's such a nice girl. Young woman, I should say. :)

I have almost made it around the clock and am basically back on days--tada!! This morning I am heading over to Leah's for our first papermaking session over at their place. I'll take pictures! :):)

Tuesday-3:15am

Karma's recovered toy!

This is a plastic tube from a roll of metal foil that Karma was begging me to get out from under the dresser. We had played this game months ago and the tube disappeared. She must have eagle-eyed it.

I put some of her dry food in there and she has to get it out.

And figure out how to get it out when she can't reach them anymore.

Trying to bite open the closed end doesn't work, but she still tried it again. (Not as smart as she thinks she is, eh?)

She quickly remembered that rolling it around on the floor moves them along to the open end. Big fun in Fargo!

I have been reading The Pillars of The Earth and working on a letter in sections (as I usually do these days). Pillars is hard to put down! I think this is the first time I need to have a timer by my comfy chair--hehe! If I don't get up and move and stretch often it's like my body seizes up in pain and stiffness--even in my very most comfortable chair I shouldn't sit over two hours max. But I got totally lost in the Middle Ages and forgot about the time--ROFL!!

Now I am up again, my day has started, and I'm going to go get lost in England--1136--but set my timer--hehe!! :):)

Sunday-2:30am

We've had heavy fog the last two mornings. 100% humidity. Scattered rain. Glimpses of the sun on occasion. I've been asleep by late afternoon.

Spooky Karma in the dead of night last night--hehe!
I finally worked on the rest of the trimming. Finished up with all the pre-cutting!

I may be slowed down--but the tortoise wins the race, right? Isn't that the rumor?

Big stack of bookcard-cover size in the back and the 3-inch trim papers in the front.

What an assortment of papers to choose from! And all on sale. Ahhh!

The 3-inch pieces are tucked away in their proper satchel.

And the cover papers are in their box, too. I am good to go for a long, long time! :):)

Haven't been up to too much. Washed clothes, wrote letters, and watched my three DVDs. One was from Wire In The Blood--season six. Love Dr. Hill and how he solves the complex, sick, violent, psychological murders.

Then--on Dagan and Leah's recommendations I ordered Supernatural and Weeds. It's hard to describe either of them--hehe!

Supernatural deals with the kind of entities that XFiles did. The boys' mother was killed in a specific, horrifying way when the boys were little. Years later the younger brother's girlfriend was killed the exact same way. So there is not only a quest to find their father, but to destroy whatever entity killed their mother and Sam's girlfriend. They also will pretend to be whoever they have to just to get information--and there is some humor in the relationship between the brothers. I would think if you liked XFiles, you'd probably like Supernatural. At least, that is my first impression. :)

Brothers Sam (Jared Padalecki) and Dean Winchester (Jensen Ackles) investigate supernatural mysteries in this spine-tingling series. When their dad disappears while tracking evil forces, Sam and Dean put aside their differences and embark on a mission to find him. While searching for their father, the two run up against a host of vengeful otherworldly entities, including murderous Hook Man, mirror-bound Bloody Mary and the cannibalistic Wendigo.

Weeds:

Suburban widow Nancy Botwin (Golden Globe winner Mary-Louise Parker) launches a profitable but unlikely business venture as pot dealer in the first season of this hit Showtime series about the challenges of managing motherhood -- and marijuana. Desperate times force Nancy into desperate dealings with dangerous characters, which raises the suspicions of a self-involved neighbor (Elizabeth Perkins, in an Emmy-nominated role) and the DEA.

I have to be honest and say that I really don't care for some of the swear words that they use. And this is coming from somebody who loved Deadwood--hehe! But in Deadwood it was basically the F-word and I have worked in factories--chuckle!

Weeds has very good actors and they somehow make the well-to-do suburban widowed housewife becoming a pot dealer to make ends meet quite humorous. But--and there is a but for me--having lived through the 60s and known street kids that OD'ed when I was a vagrant--having loved alcoholics and tried the "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" route for a few years long ago--I probably don't find any kind of drug or alcohol humor as funny as many people do. But, like most people, I don't consider marijuana in the same league as heroin or cocaine or meth--and that is how they get away with getting a chuckle out of even me. A lot of the humor is about the culture clash of Nancy (kind of clueless rich white woman) buying drugs in the scary part of town from the black drug dealers. (Yes--stereotyped.) And the rich girlfriend who is totally shallow and into her looks. (Yes--stereotyped.) But most sitcoms do use stereotypes a lot. I think the show could grow on me. I will rent the rest of season one for sure and take it from there.

Let's see--what else. Oh--the frozen fish went to Chuck and Michal. I hope they enjoy it. I'm glad it didn't die in vain. :)

I watched Finding Nemo on TV last night. So cute!

I really do have a wide range of tastes in movies, I guess, don't I? From Finding Nemo to Wire In The Blood--hehe!

I am now off to rotate writing a letter and reading The Pillars of The Earth. I'll be quiet so I don't wake up Miss Karma. :):)

Sunday-1am-Mommy and That Baby

Mommy and That Baby

The linoleum under the eating table is cool on my belly. I roll on my side and jiggle my hands way above my head. Snow is on the windowsill, but the sun comes way across the floor to me warm on my arm. Maybe I can touch the big silver leg of the table from here. I am getting bigger. Everybody says that I am getting bigger. It looks like I can touch it. Hard as I can, I stretch and stretch, but it’s too far. Maybe if I roll back, flat on my belly and close my eyes, I will be longer. I roll back and those floor squares are really big in my eyes. I run my fingers around the edges and I whisper: one, two, three, four. I like to count. I do it lots of times. I can count really far and I know this is a square. I know circles, too. I whisper the colors of the speckles: red, black, yellow, white. I want to tell my Mommy, but she’s on her bed. It is better for Mommy not to notice me. It is better to be invisible.

I wish I could tell my Mommy numbers and colors today and she would smile and hear me and tell me she is proud ‘cause I know things. I hope today if she notices me, she sees me good and not bad. I remember sometimes she hugs me all up in her warm soft body and I am afraid to move or breath or make a sound. I want it to last and last. Mommy’s smiley times make my heart big and make me feel warm all over. I think I could fly or sing or do anything! But I can’t. I have to be very careful. I have to watch Mommy. If I get too excited, or I move too much, or I spill my “inside happy” out my mouth too much, then I make her come away from that place where she smiles. Then it’s gone as quick as it came. I don’t want Mommy to notice me too much. I really, really try not to be wild and naughty. But I am a selfish little girl and I forget.

When my Mommy was gone at the hospital, I stayed with Mary up the stairs. Mary and Brack are some kind of family to my Daddy. Daddy gives them money for us to live here. Mommy yells about money lots of times and she wants to move away from here. I am selfish. I love Mary and I don’t want to move away. Mary smiles every day. I can sit on Mary’s lap most times when I ask. She even picks me up and hugs me when I don’t ask. Mary has a little boy who’s bigger than me. Bradley is four years old. I am two forever and ever and I want to be four. Mary doesn’t get mad or slap me when I pull on her clothes to ask her things. Mary says, “ You have to wait until spring, but that’s not far away at all.” I told Mary it’s forever and ever, long and long time ago, since Santa Claus and it be spring really, really soon, right? Mary laughed loud with her mouth open. “It’s only been a couple of weeks since Christmas”, she told me. She picked me up and showed me papers on her wall with squares and numbers and pictures of cars on every page. I like to ride in cars. She pointed to a square and said softly, “There’s your birthday.” Mary has my birthday on her wall. Only my birthday. She did not say she had that baby’s birthday on her wall. It must be our secret. She whispered my birthday on her wall. She didn’t tell me not to tell, but to be careful, I will not tell. I did not want her to put me down. Mary smells nice. I wish I could go up the stairs to Mary right now. Mommy is right. I am a selfish little girl.

I remember to close my eyes and try to reach the table leg. I even try to make my fingers longer, but it is out of reach by a hand. Bradley could reach it. Bradley is mean to me. But I can be brave to him ‘cause I like Mary. She’s the one who told me about that baby. Mommy had it in her arms when she came home a lot of days ago. Mary told me, “They’ll make a big fuss over it, but don’t you ever forget that they love you just the same.” That was a lie. Grownups tell lies. They tell lies lots of times. They think I am not big enough to know they lie, but I know lots of times. They lie to pretend sad things are happy. They lie to pretend things gone. They lie to fool me. Sometimes they sound like they believe lies when they say them and forget they’re not the truth. Mary lies too, and that makes me sad. It does not surprise me, but it makes me sad.

My Mommy and Daddy do not love me just the same. Mommy always pays attention too much or not at all. She sees me good or she sees me bad when she notices me. Smiley times she sees me good and tells me how smart I am. She reads to me for long and long times. If she is really in a good mood she will tell me what the big words mean and I can ask questions and she doesn’t ever get mad about that. She reads her books to me until she is tired or I get too wiggly and wild and make her come away from that place she goes when she reads to me. I watch her eyes when she comes back. Mommy may notice me and see me bad, or she may still be busy in her head and just shoo me away. I always hope she doesn’t notice me. I hate it when she sees me bad. When she sees me bad, she thinks of ways to make me be good. But I never learn. It does not work and I am bad again. I don’t mind being in my room all day, ‘cause I forget to “Think about what you did and how bad you are” and I just play and play really, really quiet so Mommy doesn’t hear.

I play really, really good by myself. If I forget to listen for her feet, she might fly the door open and catch me playing. Mommy doesn’t like me to play when I am trying to learn to be good. But sometimes she walks in like I was never bad and she never talks about it. Maybe she is fooling me, but I don’t care. I like it when she forgets I was bad. But I don’t like to be in my little, brown chair in the corner of the eating room. I am glad Mommy doesn’t have the time to watch me and watch me every second in the corner. I do not like Mommy watching me and I can’t see her eyes, so I turn around to watch her. Mommy gets so tired of turning me around in my chair and having to push me back down in place, so then she grabs my arm and drags me to my room and yells and yells about me and slams the door. I don’t mind. I like my room better than the chair. But I don’t like being in that dark closet forever and ever. There’s nothing to do in there ‘cause I can’t see. I just smell and touch the coats and boots full of winter and try to see under the door for Mommy’s feet. I fall asleep in there lots of times and Mommy doesn’t like that ‘cause I am not learning not to be bad. Since that baby came, I am bad and bad. Daddy did not used to notice me much, but now he notices me bad more times. Mommy tells him the wrong things I do. Sometimes she lies, but I never tell Daddy about the closet. I am quiet and quiet as I can be. It is better when they don’t see me, especially Mommy. They do not love me just the same. They see me badder now. Mommy has not read her books to me forever and ever.

Mary did not lie about the big fuss. That baby must be a really good one. Lots of grownups come over to hold it and talk to it. It can’t talk. It’s a boy baby, but it’s too little to move much. Mommy and Daddy are all soft and happy with it, especially when people are here. Mommy is always nicer when people are around. She is nicer when daddy is home. She is nicer to that baby.

Maybe Mary is just nicer to me ‘cause I am “company” at her house, even if I am little. My Mommy does not treat other kids like company at her house, unless grownups are here. Mary holds me and talks nice to me and there are no grownups there. Maybe it is ‘cause I am a little girl and Bradley is a boy and boys are meaner. Maybe Mary wishes she had a little girl. I do not want Mary to know I am bad, so I am extra careful. I don’t think Mary lies as much as my Mommy does. I am not sure, but I like Mary better than my Mommy, anyway. I am really a bad girl. I am a selfish girl. Mommy will really, really be mad if she knows I like Mary best. She will tell Mary how bad I am and make up more bad things to be sure. My eyes pop open. My skin gets jitters all over thinking how mad she’d be. I sit up quickly and look over at her bedroom door.

The door is open big enough for me to get through without touching it. I walk slowly towards the door running my fingers along the wallpaper. Even though I know I am better off invisible, it makes me nervous to be alone for so long. Mommy is usually busy doing things and I watch her. Even if she is having a sad day and sits in the big chair all day and never sees me, I can still watch her. I really like those days that she can’t see me for long and long. I can sing or twirl or bounce on my bed or talk loud to my dollies while we have tea with my real tea set with the pink roses on. Invisible time is nice and nice. Most times I forget to watch her, though, and it startles me when she sees me all of a sudden. I never know if she sees me bad or good until it’s too late. If I don’t watch her eyes, I don’t know what kind of a day it is. If I don’t watch her I can’t see if the day is changing.

By the time I arrive at her bedroom door, I am sure she’s going to startle me. She could fly through the door, zero her eyes on me and pronounce me bad. She could pop out all soft and happy with that baby. I do not know how Mommy is until I see her. I know she does not know what I think when I am invisible, but I am not sure what she knows when she pins me down with her eyes. Will she know what I thought new today? Will she know I talked in my head and said I like Mary better than her? I stand in the doorway and rock silently from foot to foot, swaying, thinking. I suck my thumb, even though that’s bad, but Mommy can’t see me from here. I listen.

The bed is over in the corner away from the door. I hear breathing. After a while, I pull my thumb out and grab on to the door frame. Leaning my head into the room very slowly, I see Mommy sleeping on the bed. My eyes take a while to see in the dark of the room. She is lying on her side with her arm curled under her head. On the softest feet I come up one step at a time. My eyes never leave her face. I am all the way up to the bed and she has not moved. I wait and listen to the breath of her, to hear if she is awake or fooling me. I watch her eyelids. The eyes are not moving. I know if they slide from side to side under there, then she’s almost awake. The breath is slow and faint and calm. My Mommy is sleeping. I suck my thumb again and rock from side to side.

I know that baby is there, even if I have not looked at it. I can hear it breathing.
This time I look at it all by myself. Everyone shoos me away or they hold it up for me to look, don’t touch. They are afraid I will hurt it. They tell me I could hurt it even if I did not mean to. Mommy has a part of her top off and one of the big, soft, cushy parts of her has that baby on it. That baby has its mouth hanging on to her. It smells funny. The hands are curled into little fists. I hold my hand near, but don’t touch. My hand is way bigger. Its eyes are closed, but it is not sleeping. It is making sucking noises and jerks every so often. When it sucks I can see the side of its tongue. Red. The tongue is red. The lips are red. It has little eyelashes and the eyes roll around under the lids. Its head is tipped and I can see up its nose on my tip toes by the side of the roll-away. Inside its nose is red, too. I could look at it long and long. I wonder if they are lying that it will grow up to be a boy as big as Bradley. I wonder if it will be mean to me, like Bradley. It doesn’t look mean. It could change. Mommy changes all the time. I wish it would open its eyes. I would feel better if I could see its eyes. It reminds me of doggies. I want to pet it.

I love doggies. I never hurt doggies. Will I hurt that baby? Why do they say I will hurt that baby? I must be really, really bad. I won’t hurt it now. I know I do not want to hurt it now. Maybe I will hurt it later when it is bigger and mean like Bradley? I am glad it is not a girl. Sometimes Mommy calls me her best girl and she dresses me up in pretty dresses and shiny shoes with straps. She puts my hair up in pin curls. I like my hair curly, but I do not like when she combs it out. Mommy pulls and it hurts and she tells me not to be a baby. I like when she tells grownups how good and smart I am and how, “She talked before she could walk”. It looks so nice up there with Mommy. I want to climb up on the bed and be in that soft, warm place with them. I want Mommy to worry somebody is going to hurt me. That baby gets Mommy nice and smiley lots of times. Maybe I can climb up on the corner of the bed and not wake Mommy. I move slowly and carefully. If I can just get over on the corner of the bed, I will be still and still. I will not move. I will not go by the baby, so I can’t hurt it not on purpose. I will listen to them breathe. I will feel the warmth of them. As I crawl up slowly, I jiggle the bed and Mommy cracks her eye open. Her hand comes out and swiftly pushes me off the side of the bed. Arms and legs flying, I crash on to the hardwood floor and scramble to my feet. I stand up straight with my arms down at my sides and look upon her eye.

“You can’t be up here. You’ll wake the baby,” Mommy whisper yelled through her teeth. “Now, go away.”

I was frozen to the spot. I was waiting for her to drag me someplace by my arm.

“I am so tired. Just leave me alone”, she hissed.

I felt my eyes water, but I know better than to cry. I back up a couple of steps, watching her. I wait. I listen.

“That’s right. You’re such a good girl. You color so nice. Why don’t you go color? Or take a nap or something, okay?” Mommy talked smiley time words. It sounded like a lie, but I didn’t care. I never cared why Mommy sounded nicer. She did not come after me off the bed.

“Something quiet, okay? That’s my good girl. Go on, now.”

I back up slowly, keeping my eyes on her. She settles back into the bed, keeping her eye on me until I scoot out the door.

I spread out a color book on the linoleum under the eating table and dig my fingers in Grandpa’s old cigar box. It smells like Grandpa and crayons. Crayons never get old; they always smell like new ones. Nothing smells like crayons. Blue streaks across the page. I feel wild and happy. No yank on the arm. No chair facing the corner. Yellow streaks across the page. No closet. No mad eyes. Green streaks across the page. First I was bad, then I am good, just like that. Orange streaks across the page. Mommy was too tired to come after me. That never stopped her before. Red streaks across the page. Mommy is very busy with that baby. I stop, up on my elbows. Red. I roll the crayon in my fingers. That baby’s name is Blaine. He has red lips and a red tongue and red inside his nose. If I could, I would sing and twirl around in circles and laugh with my mouth open. That baby must be a really, really good one.

Saturday-2:30am

Been quiet here. I've been up and down sleeping/napping whenever. All three Netflix DVDs arrived today. Plus I finished Caroline's book and can begin The Pillars of The Earth this weekend. Karma was over on the chair dreaming--and she began to talk and growl and twitch. I was trying to remember if I have ever heard her growl when she's dreaming? Snore--yes! Growl? I don't think so.

After I snapped the picture--she woke up, of course. Doesn't she look groggy? Like something or someone was chasing her maybe?

I wonder where she was, what was going on, and who she was growling at?

Oh the mysteries of not knowing the language, eh? :):)

Thursday-4:30am

I forgot to post this yesterday. Moon out already when the sun was just setting. I just thought this looked so pretty and calm.

My mom and dad were here for their visit yesterday. Leah came over late afternoon. We got their car over to the motel (my dad can't drive after dark) and then we went over to Dagan and Leah's place in West Fargo. Played some cards and visited until Dagan got home from work and dinner was ready. We had beef roast with carrots, potatoes, and gravy. Leah made a loaf of bread in the bread machine. (I've never tasted bread from one of those machines and it was pretty good!)
After dinner we had homemade strawberry shortcake!

We see my folks once or twice a year when they come back to Minnesota for the summer months from Florida.

They've been freezing, though, with our cooler than normal weather--hehe!

Dad is still waiting for summer! He's 88.

Mom is 80.

Leah gave mom and dad a ride to the motel and me a ride home. Was a nice day. Thanks for a wonderful dinner, Leah--and all you do! :):)

Got home about 9:45pm--was in bed an hour later.

Karma missed me--hehe! :)

Wednesday-2am--God On The Bus

God On The Bus

I didn’t learn to drive until I was thirty. Buses, my feet, and the kindness of friends and family were my modes of transportation. Everyone asked me, “How can you stand it not being able to drive?” I would calmly reply, “How can I miss something I’ve never had?”

One sunny fall day I finally decided to earn my own personal piece of state plastic. Owning that plastic card did not change my perspective on buses; it was possessing that set of keys dropped into my hand by a paunchy, slick-haired salesman with a practiced smile. “It’s just an aquarium on wheels” my father would snort, but I learned confidence, independence, and freedom behind the wheel of my burgundy Pacer. I could go where I wanted to go, when I wanted to go, and I could get more than one bag of groceries at a time. I finally knew what everyone had been talking about all those years. Walking and buses became a memory that compared poorly to four wheels.

A year ago I was hearing those lamentations once again. “How will you survive without a car? I would go crazy! I could never do what you’re doing. No way!” All this deja vu conversation was eerily foreboding. I had no reply this time. I truly knew what I would be missing. I was forty-eight, packing up and moving from the Twin Cities to go to Concordia College in Moorhead. “This is my chance for a new start,” I told my friends and family as I waved good-bye.

My new start returned me to extreme poverty, no car, an apartment with uneven floors, startlingly noisy pipes, parties vibrating the walls, broken blinds, and a dirty laundry room. The Coppertone stove and harvest gold refrigerator seemed to complete the time warp back to the late sixties. I scrubbed, arranged, pounded, organized, displayed, and made it home. I started classes but managed to avoid the bus my first year.

The bus. It represented the final loss of independence and freedom. As I trudged the nine or ten blocks to school, I realized how much I missed squirrels. What I did not miss was being beaten in the face by leaves, lashed by sleet, whipped by wind, coated by snow, and worrying that I had frostbitten some exposed portion of my anatomy on my pilgrimage to knowledge. I survived the mild Minnesota winter. Over the summer, the bus was starting to look good to me, in a lesser-of-two-evils sort of way. Another school year was approaching rapidly. Another winter.

I purchased a semester bus pass. It was the full and final admission of my carlessness.

My first morning at the bus stop behind the public library I arrived early. I am always early. As I came around the corner, I was reminded that the bus stop was across the street from the homeless shelter. Three rumpled gentlemen were settled in on the low brick wall that surrounds the library. They were each sitting or leaning on their duffel bags. None of them gave me eye contact. I didn’t want them to feel uncomfortable, so I asked if the bus had come by yet. The man in the greasy ponytail glanced at my smile from under his cap and said no. His shoulders relaxed as I sat down on the bricks a few feet away from him. Mine slowly relaxed, too. The trees along the boulevard made it a wondrous place to sit on a sunny morning. The grass was lush and damp. The leaves shimmered and whispered. The squirrel entertainment committee performing “Autumn Acorn Madness” took small notice of sedentary humans. Settling into bus-stop-patience came back to me slowly.

I felt guilty for deliberately avoiding the homeless shelter in my walks since I had moved to town. I felt guilty for feeling that prickle of fear when I rounded the corner. How hypocritical. I had been a vagrant and lived on the streets of Anoka the entire summer of 1969. Then I had been afraid of no one. I slept in the park and occasionally on a gracious host’s floor. Hollow hunger. The decadent luxury of sleeping indoors and hot sudsy, showers. I had allowed myself to forget.

I had allowed myself to forget how kind the assorted young rednecks and dopers had been to me. I had been afraid to sleep in the dark. It was safer to sleep in the park by the river during the day and the cops left me alone on bright afternoons. The nights were long. The people of the night were usually high in some form or another, but they watched over me ‘till dawn. Sometimes they even fed me or bought me my own pack of cigarettes. They protected me.

All my worldly possessions I carried in my black and white crocheted shoulder bag. I didn’t have a razor, but I had a toothbrush, bar of soap, underpants, an extra T-shirt, pens, and notebooks. Priorities. If I was starting to feel sad, I used to talk to God on paper until I felt like myself again. Then I would tear up our conversation into little pieces and throw it in the trash. No attachments. I had the soul of a flower-child, despite being a Midwestern Swede from the suburbs. The street people called me “the mad-hugger” or “sunshine”. I took care of people on bummers. I cheered sad drunks. I honestly thought I could see that place that shines inside of everyone. Love breathed through my pores. I was fearless.

The straining roar of a bus drew me back from my reverie and to the corner. The small bus squealed to a stop, the door slid open to the left, I flashed my bus card, and I was in. I sat behind a small hunching man with hair slicked straight back and graying at the temples. Just like my dad’s. As the bus bounced and screeched on its way, I noticed that the tag on his shirt was sticking up on the back of his neck. In black magic marker it spelled “Elvin”. Naked evidence of living in a home. Overwhelmed with a tenderness for him, I wanted to tuck in the tag. The flower-child reached over the bus seat bar and tucked in the tag. Elvin turned around and stated defiantly, “I’m God.”

I didn’t quite believe my ears. “Pardon?” I asked as I leaned forward to catch his words over the bus whine.

“I’m God,” Elvin dared. The gnarled face held flashing eyes and his lips were crushed into a thin line of defiance.

A warmth spread over me. A warmth that lifts your soul like greeting a long-lost friend...where joy stings your eyes and love chokes your throat. And my heart’s eye opened wide and beheld that place that shines.

“I am honored to meet you,” I told him...softly...from the bottom of my flower-child soul.

Tuesday-4:15am

Karma has taken to sleeping on my computer chair at night lately. Here she's blinded by the light at 3:30am.

Here's the fish--hehe! So silly of me, right?
Made it to the dentist yesterday and got my two fillings. What a relief to be done for now--until teeth cleaning in six months--tada! This is the building for the doctors I have to go to now, too.

I've had several bad dental experiences. I tremble slightly the entire time they drill. Hate that smell of burning teeth. *shudder* But I am a very good patient, of course.

This gives you an idea of where us poor folk go to get their teeth taken care of.

This sign hangs right over the receptionist's desk. And this is in Fargo, North Dakota! Can you imagine what it must be like in New York or Chicago? hehe!

I took notes on all three of the Arnold Grummer tapes on papermaking. So that is done. :) Leah and I decided that we are going to go for one longer day of papermaking on Wednesdays instead of two shorter days a week. We'll be starting next week. I'll take videos. :):)

I was so dreadfully tired yesterday morning that I laid down for a three and a half hour "nap" before I went to the dentist in the afternoon. Sleeping a kind of split shift--hehe! I didn't sleep that long so far tonight, so I wouldn't doubt I'll be down for a few Z's toward morning.

I think I am caught up on the "Stories" blog. Have just a few more things to post from my college writing classes.

I have a headache and hurt all over (the usual for me after the dentist these days and why I couldn't sleep)--but I am in just the best mood!! Just feeling soooo blessed. :):) Happy that, thanks to Dagan and Leah, I will be driving over to Leah's sometime today with the roast for dinner tomorrow, some potatoes (little round carbs), and that frozen buggy-eyed fish--LOL! And we can just hang out and visit for a while today. Others are complaining about the cooler weather--but this has been a magical summer for me. Still feels like May!

I am blessed with wonderful, supportive people in my life. Have people I love deeply and dearly--who love me back. Even online I have met some amazing, generous, kind souls I am lucky to know. I have survived my roller-coaster life for over 58 years--and quite well, I think.

It's true--my body has absolutely taken my life hostage these past several years. But I'll take this physical body roller-coaster ride any day over my previous emotionally draining ride. ROFL!! Everything is relative, right?

I wouldn't change a thing. Without the darkness one cannot see the light, right? And I have been blinded by the light--many times. That must be the theme tonight, eh? Me and Karma--blinking--blinded by the light! :):)

Monday-3:45am

Anything new, right? :)

Fan box.

My check was in the bank early this month--tada! So, I had my CashWise order delivered yesterday. I ordered more fish, chicken, and beef than I ever do because of going low-carb/Atkins type eating this month. I ordered this frozen Tilapia fish--something new, right? I have eaten Tilapia at a restaurant, so I knew I liked it.

Anyways, I reached into one of the grocery bags and pulled out an actual fish that was staring back at me! Did a Scandinavian scream (sharp intake of breath) and dropped it back in the bag! Having actual pieces of beef was a rare enough sight for me yesterday--but a whole fish--too much! Maybe once or twice a year I have a boneless beef roast and other than that it is hamburger (because it doesn't look like anything). De-boned chicken and breaded fish. Truth be told--if I had to actually kill something to eat--myself--I'd be thin as a rail and eating berries and cornbread. Which might not be a bad thing...

When I was a kid we were visiting the farm of my aunt's in-laws and the grandpa asked me if I wanted to help him catch a chicken since I was right there. Was mesmerized by them! Love animals. I got to go close to them, touch feathers on the ground, smell them, watch them run and hop and flap--but of course, I couldn't actually catch one. Wouldn't know what to do with one if I did. Was secretly afraid they would peck me.

Anyways, he caught one and left. I stayed talking to the chickens and he went into the big shed or barn. I decided to go catch up--and as I came around the corner--whack! The chicken's head tumbled to the ground. I froze. He tossed the headless body on the ground and it ran a few steps--right at me! The blood pumping out of its neck sprayed crimson droplets on the front of my clothes before it fell over and the legs pumped a few last times in the air.

That's how I learned where chicken came from. :)

I didn't eat chicken that night for dinner. Didn't eat chicken until I was in my 20s and nothing with bones for years after that. Bologna and hot dogs and hamburger was all I would tolerate because they "didn't look like anything". I know. I know. Delusional. Deeply flawed city-girl logic.

Obviously I still have a reaction to looking at the body--the victim. But I am totally conflicted and thoroughly hypocritical. I do eat those poor animals.

And they do taste really good. *sigh*

I called Leah to see if they wanted to try to figure out how to cook it or had any friends who wanted a whole fish with head and tail. If not--we decided we could give it away on www.freecycle.org --ROFL!

Today is the dentist. Having the two cavities filled this afternoon. Then home and to bed.

Have a good one! :):)