Saturday, September 04, 2010

Saturday-10:15pm--Cogitation on Good vs. Evil

I'm overtired and hurt all over. Can't sleep more than an hour at a time. Finally gave in and just took a pain pill. Haven't taken one since three days after I had that tooth pulled, but I also haven't really slept much at all since Wednesday. Waiting for the pill to kick in. Hoping I will finally be able to reach that place in sleep that blankets the physical pain.

But--I didn't come back to piss and moan about my mundane pain issues. I wanted to talk about The Road! Would really love to read this book, that's for sure! :)

The Road is an "after the nuclear holocaust" movie about a man and his young son trying to survive and I won't reveal the plot beyond that. (I loved it, BTW!!) But, since I couldn't sleep, I was lying in bed thinking about good vs. evil--a personal battle of mine from birth.

I think there's a lot of the warrior in my soul. Maybe the warrior lies within each of us? My warrior has always been with me in my dreams--since childhood. Strong, powerful, violent--a vanquisher of evil. The warrior in me rises up to protect the weak--be it animal or human--be it dreams or waking life. I may not feel the urge to protect myself--even in my dreams--but I am beyond fear in protecting others. I can't tell you how many times in my life I have trembled uncontrollably after a confrontation or emergency where I was needed--after the crisis had passed and everyone was safe--and I could step back--collapse. Sometimes--looking back--I was amazed by what had transpired--what was done automatically--without conscious thought--like a knee-jerk reaction of my soul.

I have never yet had to resort to the physical violence of my dreams in my real life. But I have been the occasional deadly violent dreamer--ever since I can remember. When Dagan was a baby--in one dream--with my bare hands I ripped open a person's throat who wanted to kill him. And yet in real life--a was always handing him over to God.

Hence my perpetual internal battle between good and evil.

My belief in the power of good is carved into the bones of my being. But evil is just as real--and has great power of its own. Earth is a place of contrasts--a battleground between good and evil. I believe I have kept asking to come back here--because there is nothing like it! Souls are tested by fire here--moulded by choice--free to rise or fall--shine brightly or dissolve into the darkness. A place of heart-stopping beauty, soul-lifting love, and awe--as well as the hate, cruelty, ugliness, and fear almost beyond comprehension. Earth is a testing ground for souls. A place to discover who you truly are and what your soul is made of. By choice.

The gift of choice is not an easy one to bear. The hundreds and thousands of small choices we make every day are just as important in defining our souls as the few huge decisions we make in a lifetime--probably much moreso. Our choices bump up against each other--large and small. We're constantly effecting the people around us--and creating influences on them with their choices--positive or negative. Ahhh...chaotic, seductive, difficult, painful, scary, glorious choice.

Anyways, back to the movie. The movie made you think. What would you do? How far would you go to protect those you love? To stay alive? What lines would you cross? Or would you cross them? Is mere animal survival enough? Is it enough to limit your love to one person?

And it was clearer to me why I disliked that movie Unthinkable. There was no goodness--no God--in that movie. No hope. No light. I have been up close and personal with evil--several times. The warrior in me is a champion for goodness and light. I know. I have been tested. The light is always there. I have seen it!!

[ ]

My soul will not leave without a fight. I will stand up and look evil in the eye--and try to remind it of the light--see the glimmer of light within the evil. Whether it works or it doesn't--I don't want to join that side. I'll die first. I hope and pray--for my soul's sake--that I would allow myself to be killed rather than switch sides just to stay here. Maybe I have done it so many times in past lifetimes that the shame of that lesson runs deep?

I have been close enough to feel the hot breath--have looked evil in the eye--and spoken of love, God, right and wrong--bared my soul to evil. Sometimes the best response was silence--or appealing to their better nature. The rapists, a man trying to drown a puppy (I was 10), a man threatening to shoot me if I left him, another threatening to strike me with an iron skillet (or butcher knife, I can't remember and it didn't matter to me at the time), a repairman pinning me against the wall, another one advancing with a knife, people on violent acid trips, a hammer thrown at my head, another threatening to run us into a telephone pole if I left him, malicious employers, women who hated my guts and spread lies, one woman cut off all my hair...I'm sure there are more incidents I can't possibly remember them all. I cannot say I've had a dull life.

When I was taking the Human Services Tech course I asked to always have them give me the worst they had when we went to our on the job training spots. I wanted to know what I could actually handle. I prefer to face things head on--whether I like it or not. So--at the Anoka State Mental Hospital I was assigned to the lock-up ward for the weeks I was there. The employees warned me not to spend very much time in the day room and told me I could spend time helping them in the office. But, of course, I spent all my time in the day room--except for staff meetings I was required to attend. So they warned me about this big, angry-looking man who paced up and down the long hallway with his hands clasped behind his back--all day long. They told me he was very violent--a rapist--don't look him in the eye--don't talk to him--stay away from him.

I'd been raped, so I had no trouble following those orders.

One afternoon while I was standing chatting with a patient who was admitting to me for the first time that she heard voices, that angry pacer man suddenly entered the day room at a fast clip and walked straight up to me--invaded my space--nose a couple inches from mine. I didn't flinch or back away. We stared into each other's eyes.

"Are you good.....or are you evil?", he inquired in a baiting tone.

"Well, I hope I'm good." Our eyes were locked. "I try very hard to be a good person."

We stared. Suddenly his eyes were not as empty as he wished them to be.

He turned and walked away as four orderlies raced thru the dayroom door.

And he paced the hallway as if nothing happened.

A couple of days later, while I was at lunch, he attacked a fellow patient and almost choked him to death in the dayroom. Took more than the four orderlies to pull him off. The pacer was sent to St. Peter (for the criminally insane)--where the poor soul should have been in the first place, if you ask me. They watch them very closely there. I felt he lacked self-control and he knew it. Sad. He believed he was evil. I've always wondered if he was allowed enough room to pace?

Good and evil.

I believe in the power of good. Doesn't matter to me if evil makes temporary gains down here. Wouldn't honestly matter to me if I was killed by evil here--or disease, or accident. It really doesn't matter how you die. It matters how you live. We don't have much choice about how we leave. But--rich or poor--free or not--we still choose every single moment how we live.

These are the kinds of things I think about. Ask anyone who knows me. :)

Is it any wonder why I have been so happy with my quiet life these past few years? ROFL!! Maybe I have earned these more peaceful years--a time for rest. But the battle of my soul rages on...within a myriad of small choices each and every day. :):)

My dearest wish for you? For me? For humanity? Wise choices.

But be prepared for battle. There's no one to fight for your soul but you. Or maybe me, if I am nearby enough to draw my sword! ;)
Love and light!! :):)


Serena Lewis said...

What an awesome post, Rita! I share the same outlook in many ways. I'm glad you loved the I said, it left a huge imprint on me and I can't say any more as I don't want to spoil it for anyone who hasn't seen it yet. I'll email you.

Love, light and peace,
Serena xo

AliceKay said...

It sounds like you've been thru a lot in your life, and even though evil has touched you so many times, your good always conquers what evil has invaded your space.

I don't know you all that well, but I've felt, since the very first post I've read in here, that you were a good person...willing to help, always being there for your family and friends when needed. That's the kind of person I try to be. Whether or not I succeed, only time will tell.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I'm going to go read your blog link you posted up there. *hugs*

Deanna said...

This is a very deep, thought provoking post. It is obvious that you are good and ready to do battle with evil. You have been through a lot in your life and are still waging battles. Thank you for making me stop and think. I try to make wise choices, but sometimes fail. And then I pick myself up and start all over again.

Toriz said...

Excellent post!

There has to be both good and evil, because - like with all things - one cannot exist without the other. I don't think anyone can truely be one or the other either. All those who try to be good have a spark of evil in them somewhere - whether it shows itself or not - and vice versa.

akartisan said...

Wow! that was quite a soul dump! I watched that movie also and felt that where God cme in was at the end of it and also how the father always watched out for his son and taught him to be able to survive without him.

I'm glad you're having a peaceful life these days and hope you'll be feeling better soon. I also had quite a tumultuous past and enjoy my now peaceful life where I can do what I want when I want.

Can you tell if your diet has made a difference yet? Hope you had a good, long sleep.

Anonymous said...

This is a very touching post Rita that made me teary eyed and how true it is that only ourselves can fight for our souls, I hope you have a good day and you can get some sleep :o)

Rita said...

Serena--Email me! You are a shining soul, my friend! :)

AliceKay--I guess I believe that if I carry around the residue from whatever negative, traumatic, or awful things that have happened...then it wins. Several times in my life (so far--hehe!) I have not liked the person I had become--whether I had become defensive, fearful, angry, suspicious, resentful, self-pitying, hopeless...whatever. So, I decided I had to work hard to try and change. Not an easy thing to do! Some issues have been lifelong, but I have slowly made progress in fits and starts. Better to take small steps than stay in a place that feels bad, right? Even if the bad can actually be more comfortable sometimes because it is familiar and all you know--what you are used to, you know? I have always struggled with feeling unworthy. I have no doubts of the worth of others--none! But I try hard. :) Whether or not I succeed in the end, too, only time will tell. :)

*hugs back*

Rita said...

Deanna--I have made so many odd choices and fallen off my personal path repeatedly--but, like you, I pick myself up and start over again. Absolutely!!

Personally, I am much better in a crisis than I am with day to day dealings with certain types of people and issues--hehe! That's one of my own challenges I have been learning to deal with in a better way over the years--hehe! But wouldn't life be boring without challenges, tho? The heaven they talked about with angels sitting about on clouds playing harps--didn't hold any appeal to me at all. I'd have been bored in no time! ROFL! ;)

Rita said...

Tori--I totally agree with you! I believe there is good in each of us--even if only a spark--and evil in all of us, too--even if only a spark. Most of us fall in the middle someplace--hehe! Without the darkness one cannot see the light. Without both sides--where would we use this gift of choice? What would we learn? How would we be tested to discover what we are capable of? I cannot imagine this world without the power of love--but then hate is also part of the bargain down here. I try like hell to tip my scales on the positive side. ;)

Sue--I've never heard that term--"soul dump"--hehe!

If I hadn't had a "colorful" past, I probably wouldn't so deeply appreciate my "boring" life that I have now--ROFL!! Oh how I love mundane!! ;)

No difference I have noticed at all with the diet. But I just feel better that I am not eating animals anymore. :)

Lynn--I am honored if my words touched you, lady! :) True--we are the only ones who can fight for our own souls--but the fact that we CAN makes us soooo powerful! (Taught me I was not a victim.) It can seem like such an impossible battle to win at times. But, little us--we can actually save our own souls! Amazing!

And there's this LOVE down here!! We can even lean on each other for support if we are so fortunate as to have somebody to truly lean on (the best gift from God, IMHO--leaner or leanee). Ask and you shall receive, eh? But we can even do it on our own. Maybe because we are never truly spiritually alone.

*hugs* :):)

Intense Guy said...

While all you wrote was heavy and insightful, what struck me was the violent dreams. I too "hit a bump in the road" when younger and have had violent dreams - the shrink said I repressed my anger - I asked how I was expected to "unrepress" it and got the usual shrink's shrug of the shoulders and the topic changed.

I dreamt of burning down a house - with evil people inside. Of flying an armed helicopter and destroying the house with missles...

More recently I've dreamt of being able to transport George W. Bush, after filling his pockets with ham sandwiches into whatever cave Osama Bin Laden is hiding in (I actually think he's quite comfy in a resort hotel somewhere but... anyway) in the dream I enjoyed the resulting violence between two criminals - that left them both dead.

So while I wouldn't dream of acting out on such dreams - the darkside exists... repressed.

Rita said...

Iggy--I think we all have at least a touch of violence in our natures--just like Tori was saying--I believe we all have good and evil to various degrees. If we didn't have these violent tendencies, the violent movies wouldn't be so popular. People wouldn't cheer when the bad guys get theirs, you know?

I've wondered, too--how do you release that 'repressed" anger? Well, the dreams themselves ARE a perfect way to release that anger. We all get angry and frustrated, but we don't (or shouldn't 99% of the time) act on those feelings. In dreams we get to!!

I think, also, we tend to deny the dark sides of ourselves. But they just are. Denial gives them more power. We don't deny thunderstorms or blizzards. They come and go--and are natural. Feelings come and go, too--if we don't hang onto them and accept that they are just a natural part of us. It isn't the feelings--they aren't bad or good in themselves--it's what we do with them that counts. (And denial/worry takes a lot of energy and focus.) Dreams are the perfect, free, safe place to vent!!

So--when you have the Osama/Bush dreams--celebrate!! (BTW--I personally loved that one!!)

Nothing is all bad or all good, in my book. There are positive reasons, as animals, that we needed anger, fear, and violence for thousands of years. And I don't think most of us would feel very safe without any of those feelings at all in this day and age, either. We may only need them in tiny doses in our own personal lives, but we hear what is happening all over the world these days. The planet has gotten very small. Sounds like you are also one of the protectors, Iggy, who'd like to rescue people from the bad and evil things in this world. That's not a bad thing. Dream away, my friend!! It's like the whistling of a kettle. Takes the pressure off. ;)