Sunday, September 12, 2010


I'm trying to take Karma's attitude. If the wolf is not right outside the porch or walking on your roof and nobody is dragging you out of your home against your will...just rest your head on your favorite pillow and forget about it.
I have two other door angels that reside on the corners of door frames. This colorful one (gift from Lynnette) is over the little coat closet in the hallway...
...and this one (gift from the lady student I took in when she broke her foot at the college--long story) blows his trumpet over the inside of my bedroom door. Said she bought him as a thank you gift because he made her think of my GA. ;)
This "I believe in Angels" plaque is right over the light switch in my bedroom. And I do. :)
Here's the ceiling light fixture without the cover--drying out.
I had the maintenance man remove the dome cover for me. I held a bucket under it while he did it because it was filled to the top with water and this light bulb was completely submerged!
So, it wasn't coming around the fixture, the dome/cover was overflowing!
I asked him to also empty the roasting pan on the floor for me and he did. It was over an inch deep and I have a difficult time with two-handed lifting (bum arm), so that was nice of him to do that for me.
Since then it hasn't rained that I know of. The buckets were emptied, too, and they all remain empty--thank goodness. But the roofers didn't come yesterday if it didn't rain, like he thought they would. Wonder if they wanted a day for the roof to dry out? He said the roofers told the office that they would come on the weekend if it didn't rain. Sunny morning. Time will tell.
I apologize for being so negative about the collections woman. (My dark side raised its head!) That is just her job to push my buttons...and I let her. We are probably all better off that she has a job where she can vent her anger every day. Heaven knows what havoc she would wreak without that huge vent, eh? Or--she may even be a person who enjoys insulting people and sleeps like a baby. There's a place for everybody, right? She is definitely good at her job.
I've been thinking about how she really pushed my buttons and why. Right off the bat, she could tell I got defensive when she'd call my account "delinquent for over a year" she kept repeating that or saying that it was "in default for over a year". True--it really upsets me that I have been making my small payments and Merit Care and now ASC treat me like I have never paid a dime and they talk down to me like I am some worthless low-life. If I didn't want to pay my bill, they wouldn't have gotten a check every month--duh! And the continual threats to take further action against me...fear of the unknown. Well, I do have this losing-the-roof-over-my-head fear that grips me by the throat--so financial threats always play into that fear of mine.
But I think of everything, it was being verbally you are deserve nothing in this life...who do you think you are that you deserve the luxuries of Internet access, or TV, or a cell phone? And I know what she would have said had she known about Miss Karma!
That was why, rather than cry, I got snippy and in the end hung up on her...because it's true. Who am I to deserve these luxuries? Am I worthless?
This is a core issue of mine. Old tapes. Haunting memories.
And now I truly am not a productive member of society. I cannot hold a job or support myself. Makes you feel guilty and vulnerable...helpless.
I am fully aware and overwhelmed by what I have here. I am grateful for my low-income, roof leaking, pee in the elevator apartment. This is absolutely and positively my personal haven. I just missed being homeless again, but here I am, with my Karma--surrounded by a lifetime of my books, art & craft supplies, angels--and I have a garage, there's an elevator, and I made the balcony into a porch with Dagan and Leah's help. I rent a washer & dryer (never have had one in my apartment) and Dagan and Leah lend me the Paseo and keep me in techieland.
I'm sitting here crying.
True. I may not deserve all this. But I do want it. Am extremely grateful for each and every one of my luxuries.
I have lived with more and I have lived with a lot less. Even lived on the street out of a shoulder bag one summer when I was a teenager. I know what it's like to not have money for food--to not have a bed. I've lost jobs, roof over my head, relationships--moved so many times I lost track after 30. I recognize luxuries. It is all just stuff, after all--material things. But it truly makes my current limited life so much easier to bear. That is just selfishness, I know.
There's a part of me that feels guilty for Karma and I living well in our little sanctuary...our little corner of the world. Because there are so many people on this earth who would feel like royalty living like I do here. And in most countries I wouldn't be able to live independently--being infirm, aging poorly, and fairly useless. How many countries take good care of their young, old, disabled, or incapacitated? You'd either be a burden to someone else or left to fend for yourself begging on the street (almost was here!). Miss Karma and I have a roof (even if it is leaking--they will fix it) and food and windows that close...and, so far, even if they are destroying the property, there haven't been any gunshots or murders that I know of. No drunks bang on my door in the middle of the night. I haven't seen any drug deals going on in the parking lot. More annoying than frightening, you know?
Above all--the thing that tripped my trigger and allowed her to get to me was worthlessness. It was my own issues--not her. Anger begetting anger goes nowhere good. Anger is usually just the outward blanket covering fear and pain. As I have said--loving your enemy is no easy task. One of the hardest things to do. Not that I would expect my being nice to her to change her one lick. But if I can be loving/forgiving of her and not let the fear/anger/pain get the better of ME--then I won't carry it and spread it around. Even if I have to hang up on her or not answer the phone, you know? It isn't what others do or say to you, it is how you respond--what you send out to the universe. And we send out energy even when he do not speak. So--I am working on my own issues around worthlessness and guilt.
Dagan and Leah stopped by yesterday (with the milk) and predicted that, even tho I paid them this month and if I continue to pay them the $54.00, they will still call and harass me and demand more. I am trying to think positive. That we have finally negotiated a payment that I can probably manage to pay and we are done. If they still threaten and call and such...then I will decide what to do. (Honestly--I may go back to paying them the $25.00 a month.)
Thanks for all the support and kind words. It is hard for me to express what that means to me. Being online--meeting such kind and thoughtful people--staying in touch with my wonderful friends and family...I would miss this soooo much.
Kleenex time again. My heart has swelled into my eyes.
Thanks for listening!!! :):)
"The best things in life are nearest: Breath in your nostrils, light in your eyes, flowers at your feet, duties at your hand, the path of right just before you. Then do not grasp at the stars, but do life's plain, common work as it comes, certain that daily duties and daily bread are the sweetest things in life."
Robert Louis Stevenson


AliceKay said...

The angels you have around your home are truly your guardian angels. Look at how well they're keeping you your safe haven..with Karma at your side.

Please don't ever feel worthless. No one is worthless. If just one thought from your writing reaches out and touches just one person at some point in time, you have done more than thousands of words can do over a lifetime. Please don't ever feel worthless because you aren't. I can feel your genuine caring for others and your sincerity, and that my friend, is worth more than anything money can buy.

*hands you a tissue and gives you a hug*

Rebag said...

Hi Rita.....I must say I agree very much with AliceKay.... no such thing as a worthless person..

You are right about it being the energy we send out to the universe and so very hard when we have a bad day or things just toss us for a loop... I find at times it is very hard to practice what I preach even to my own Reiki clients... sometimes I find it totally exhausting! :)

Do as Karma it off...take a deep breath and honestly from your posts I have have been much worse off than you are right now! Many people are down and out in this economy and please know there is light at the end of the tunnel and hope!!

Sending you some warm positive reiki this day and a hug! Take time and BREATHE! :)

Anonymous said...

Goodness hand me a kleenex too lol Honey I think you have what you have because it is Gods will, and Im sure he does not think you are worthless, I dont understand why all the bad things happen in this world like they do I dont question it I just pray for goodness every night unless I fall asleep to quick(sadly I have fell asleep while praying hehe)

Thank you so much for sharing your other angels with us they are so beautiful I would like to find something like that :o)

I hope you have a good start to your weekend, hugs

Deanna said...

Hi Rita. I read your last post and then this one.

You have been treated shamefully. The fact that you are sending them money shows good faith. As you know, I have someone living with me who did not make any such effort. My dream would be that he becomes as caring and responsible as you. You ARE NOT worthless and don't you ever think you are!

Your angels are pretty special and are watching over you. I'm glad to see you are trying to take the "Karma approach" to everything.

Rita said...

AliceKay--My feelings of worthlessness come from childhood, so they still can come to the surface with the right triggers. Thank you so much for your kind comments, lady! I'm okay now. :)

Reba--We all stumble on our paths, true. I was taught worthlessness--being of little value and a burden. Get the right trigger and those old tapes start playing. At least not on repeat like they did when I was young--hehe!
Yes, I have had times I was worse off than now. Having ANY money left over after bills--well, I'm living high on the hog! :):) Thanks!

Lynn--Thanks so much! I don't question the whys much, myself. Never have. I'm very happy here and doing just fine. With all my books and art & craft stuff around me--how could I not? :)
Love my door angels! Keep your eyes open, maybe you'll run across one. :):)

Deanna--Good faith payments used to matter. Apparently not anymore. Dagan and Leah have been hounded for the first time for more when they are making medical payments, also. I think they are scared of the new medical coverage bill, to be honest.
Karma has a pretty calm life for a scaredy cat--hehe! I'll take her lead. ;)

Intense Guy said...

Oh Rita.

I've been away for a long weekend and come back to try to catch up with all the blogs and hit this entry.

"I truly am not a productive member of society" is not factual nor true. You create art and write and provide others with a certain prespective. You have a lot to offer and ARE offering it.

Don't ever let those mean ones tell you otherwise. In today's economy I think every one is scratching for every penny that is "coming to them" and it' getting more desparate. I just think about the Great Depression and how it took over 10 years and a major war (WWII) to get this country out of it. Let the politicians split semantics.. we are in a depression now.

I just hope it doesn't take this county ten years and another major war to get out of it.

*Hugs* I will I could help - somehow.

Rita said...

Iggy--I guess I meant that, in our society which is based on the buck, if you can't pay your own way and contribute financially--then you are not considered a productive member of society. You're a drain. Unprofitable. In my personal experience, working with seniors, physically handicapped, (animals, too), children, mentally ill, and having been homeless for a summer--well, they are the fringes of the general population. Unless you are a person in charge or had a degree, the rest of the employees are paid barely pay over minimum wage to even work with the fringes--the ignored--the unwanted of our society. The government in one form or another is always fighting to cut services. From what I have personally observed, most of the people/companies interested in helping the fringes--well, they've figured out a way to make money off of them (a lot of that IS with medical and pharmaceutical charges or skimming or padding bills), not because they truly care about them or even if they do seem to care about them.

There are always people who honestly care, by nature, that fight for the fringes. They are usually not the people in positions of power, but can threaten exposure and that can keep things somewhat in check. Maybe it's true--God watches over children and fools? I like to think the fringes are watched over--loved--and given comfort. And no matter how bad things get, you can always find that pure love of a human being for another human being in the fringes.

I have always believed that each one of us is precious and unique. I have bounced back and forth, since growing up in the suburban middle-class, between the fringe and middle class--very familiar with the working poor. ;) When I worked, I usually worked with the fringes. Now I have landed in the fringe, unable to change my circumstances--barring a cure, of course. Learning that my value doesn't lie in what I do, but in who I am. :)

I agree that we are in much worse financial straights than we care to admit in this country. A lot of middle-class and even upper-class people have fallen out of their positions. I think it is a shock to them to suddenly be the people they looked down on or ignored. Money and possessions are not who you are. Finances can always change. Anyone can fall from positions of power. That's life. The woman with her nasty collections job could be the recipient of such calls a year or two from now.

We all need each other. Bottom line--we are all just human beings. One day maybe we will understand that en masse, you know? The majority of us, anyways. This is a glorious place to be--darkness and light. Even that woman was a learning opportunity for my soul.

Hugs back--you already have helped. You heard me. You listened. Thank you. :):)

akartisan said...

Been super busy and just read all this. I hope you are doing better now. Someone once asked one of those workers why they did it and their reply was, "well someone has to do it and I need the money" so iit might not have had anything at all to do with you personally. Also, I have heard sevral times that if they call you again, you can say something like "please do not call me again - you are only allowed to contact me by mail from now on", then once you tell them that, they are not allowed to call you any more. Try it and see or check with someone about it.
Good Luck and I hope things continue to get better for you. DON"T accept their guilt - it's just a ploy.

Rita said...

Sue--Oh yes--feeling better. I got the information from my cousin as to where to go online to print off this form that you sign and mail to them (keeping a copy, of course) that tells them they can only contact you by mail from now on. So, I'll do that--plus tell them if I happen to pick up and it is somebody from ASC. Thanks! :)

Toriz said...

It sounds to me like it's one of those situations where no matter what you wouldn't be able to pay them enough. Just pay what you can, and if they don't like it... Tough. And rather than letting them upset you, if they harass you put the phone down. As long as you are paying something, there's not much they can do.

And, you deserve certain "luxuries" in your life. Regardless of what some people may say.

Rita said...

Tori--I hope our negotiation is "enough". If not--they will get less from me, I tell you. And "click" to them, right! Thanks for the support, lady!

Toriz said...

Good for you, and no problem!

Serena Lewis said...

Dear sweet Rita,

Don't buy into the 'worthless' crap which is based purely on the standards of a conditioned society. Who are they to judge you? You are worthy of so much more and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. I'm absolutely horrified at how you have been treated on this issue, especially, given the fact that you have already been paying a set amount to them each month. Do fill out the form that stops them from harassing you by phone....mail only from now on as it's easier to read and/or dispose of when you are good and ready.

May your Angels protect you and help you cope.


Rita said...

Oh--Thank you, Serena! I am looking up the form online today (Fri).

Yup! GA is always around to make sure I don't sit around feeling sorry for myself or fall into negativity. ;)

*hugs* back!! :):)