Saturday, January 24, 2009

Saturday-1:15pm--cogitation on my soul and GA

Thought I'd put some old pictures in--all the paste paper that Ann sent me that are now mostly cards. This was the first batch she sent for me to sample and see if I could use them.
Karma thought they made a good pillow--hehe!
I told Ann--Yes!! And she sent me the rest!
I went back to look at them because now I see them differently. I can pick out which big sheets I still have, which ones have been turned into sketch journals, and all the ones that are now on the front of cards. Kind of fun!
I worked a long time journaling about the Soul Coaching book yesterday. Finished the first lesson--tada! A lot of thinking and contemplation about who I am, my goals, who I want to become in this life. :)
My main goal has always been to work on becoming a better person--to work on my soul. I remember having my first "spiritual crisis" when I was five years old. I have not always done that well and I have been very slow to learn, but I have always picked myself up, dusted myself off, and gotten back on my path--eventually. I have had long lapses where daily life and survival were at the fore and my soul seemed to get pushed to the background. Times where I felt overwhelmed with negatives and world weariness--where I thought myself the fool for wasting time and effort on my sorry soul. But I am so glad I did not give up on myself--on life--on humanity. :)
From my first serious crisis of soul when I was five, I have been blessed with guidance (if I bothered to listen--hehe!). Didn't realize for many years that the "God-feeling" I had of somebody over my shoulder when I wrote (to ponder & wrestle with the whys of life from the age of nine)--that those words and the rare picture that would pop unbidden into my head--that the intense belief I have always had that if I offered myself up as a conduit that God could always use me to help calm people or animals in crisis--that I actually have a guardian angel (G.A. for short). He's been my conscience--my goading, loving, joking, nagging, compassionate, butt-kicking spiritual guide. GA has never given up on me.
Those of you who know me--you all are very familiar with GA and have heard all or many of my life stories. :) Feel free to skip over anything you've already heard--hehe! I am giving you fair warning--this feels like the year of my soul. I've been "getting" for some time that I should reveal more layers of myself--here--online. That is why I started the "cogitations". I have been happy and contented here these last four years. I was totally drained--exhausted--beaten down--world weary--when I moved here. Spent these last years readjusting to and accepting my new limited life. Searched out some "food for my soul" activities--painting, papermaking, cards, polymer clay--light reading, movies, chatting on paper to my friends. Just basking in the peace and calm--licking my wounds, so to speak. Learning how to cope with and accept the endless pain, a perpetually tired body, and the foggy brain.
But I reluctantly agree--I don't feel I have been doing as much as I could be as far as working on my soul. Not that I have totally neglected it--hehe! And not that I know why GA has been nagging me to be more open online--but it has never been in my best interests to ignore my "guidance". I have learned that the hard way--ROFL!! All of you who have heard my stories--you know I am more a one-on-one or very small intimate group storyteller. I've been trying to figure out who I can imagine myself writing to--in my head, you know--while I write my blog? And which stories do I tell? Maybe none of that matters. Maybe I could start as if anyone reading this already knows me?
Hey--I had to have somebody else read Soft Breaths for me in college at the public reading thingie! No way could I get up in front of the small auditorium!! And, besides, it makes me get all teary to read it out loud. I write close to my heart. And opening myself up online feels like standing in the front of an auditorium to me. So--be patient with me. Fear fuddles my thoughts. I can be empty and clear as a bell in a crisis--but this makes my insides shake. :):)
I have had a sore throat since last night. I wonder if that is some kind of fear manifestation--ROFL!!


Serena Lewis said...

Rita, I LOVE this open side of you! I can't wait to hear more of your stories. It sounds to me like you were very 'awakened' as a child, knowing at age 9, there was more to our physical existence than what we see on the surface. You remind me of myself in lots of ways too....I was extremely shy growing up and would hardly talk yet I would stand up, without fear, in defence of my siblings and/or animals....two things that were precious to me.

Rita said...

Serena, I don't think anyone would have described me as shy--hehe! And yet I have this loner side to me, too. I think I am just a mess of opposites. I am very chatty and basically open, but I avoid crowds, need my alone time, and keep a part of me to myself. Oh, I forgot--I was going to post "Soft Breaths". I'll have to do that soon. I'm glad you enjoy my stories. :) :)